I Never Meant to Start a War

I knew not of what happened between Jasper and the wolves, so when I found myself lying awake that night staring up at the ceiling of my room despite my exhaustion, it was quite the shock when I heard a rustling to my left and looked to find Jasper. I squeaked and sat up straight, a mannerism that made him smile so, so sadly before it faded into the silence, virtually forgotten by the time I had noticed it.

I took in his disheveled state in silent horror, my eyes widening at the dirtiness of his clothes and the crazy state of his hair in several directions. His eyes showed the tale of a dredging sadness, but when I opened my mouth to ask, he just shook his head. Like he knew.

He slowly moved over to me, as if in a daze as he sat down on the bed next to me, staring out at the window but seeing nothing. He slowly blinked.

“Jasper,” I whispered, my heart beating frantically. “What happened?”

“I just came to say goodbye,” he told me in the same withheld manner that his eyes had appeared just moments before. It took me a moment to understand his words. When the meaning hit me, I looked to him, dumbfounded.

“What?” I breathed.

“I’m sorry,” Jasper said slowly, “for all of the pain and heartbreak I have put you though. I don’t think I’ll be able to apologize more, to be completely honest. It hurts more than I ever imagined to let down the one person that I’m going to love forever.”

My heart constricted, but I didn’t get the chance to continue.

“The things I’ve done in my entire life are things I am not proud of; the things I have done recently I am proud of even less. Destroying everything I had with you is one of the things I don’t think I’ll ever get over—I don’t think I’ll ever get over loving you. But, if it’s what you want, I’ll let you love him. Even if it kills me.”

I looked to him, my breath caught in my throat. “Jazz, I’ll always love you.”

“But you’ll love him more.” He smiled at me—and what almost pushed me over the edge was that this smile was true. It was the first true smile I had seen in a while, and it almost made me cry. But I held it together because me losing control at a moment like this would only break our hearts further. And I think they had gone through enough pain.

I shook my head, but he reached out and touched my cheek, keeping it in place. The same smile that I loved was still on his lips. “Don’t worry, Marie. I understand.”

No you don’t, my heart whispered, because I didn’t know if he really did know what it felt like to betray someone in a way like this, with something as true as picking loyalties. I didn’t know if he knew what my heart felt because he wasn’t a heart reader—but he was Jasper. And, for the longest time, he was the only one that ever understood me.

And I would never forget him because of that. He made me feel loved in a world I was sure I would never quite fit into, like a puzzle piece mixed into the wrong jigsaw box. I would never forget how right it felt to finally belong.

I would never forget anything I felt with Jasper.

But I had to move on. I had to remember those feelings and never forget them, but I had to make new memories with Paul and the pack of wolves down on the Quileute reservation that would one day learn to accept my presence and embrace it. I had to make a life out of everything that I was starting over with. And because Jasper taught me how to love, I was sure I would manage it.

I may have turned it against him in the end, but I would never get rid of that piece of my heart that belonged to my first love. Jasper would always be with me.

And yet, I don’t think I’m going to need him with Paul standing dutifully by my side, with a goofy smile and a personality that could take on the world.

I would always know that Jasper was with me in my heart. Perhaps that was all that mattered anymore.

I looked to him and asked, “Are you leaving?”

“I can’t stay,” he said. At the time, I knew not what he meant. “I’ll come back, though, someday. Even if I’m just out of sight.”

I reached out and touched his hand, wrapping my fingers around it and squeezing. I smiled. Really smiled.

“I believe you,” I whispered, smiling sadly to him, but finally feeling this completeness in my chest that hadn’t been there for months in a whole. And it finally felt like . . . like I could finally believe that everything was going to be okay. Finally.

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, leaning back with his eyes closed. He murmured, “Oh, and if he ever treats you badly, you know who to call. I’ll take care of it.”

I burst out laughing and threw my arms around him, savoring the final acceptance of our goodbye. I held on for as long as I could, not wanting him to go but knowing that this was what would make both of us happy, finally happy, so I eventually let him pull away, let him touch my face with a lingering chill.

“Stay strong,” I murmured to him as I leaned forward to kiss his cheek, and I felt him smile.

“I love you,” he said to me. “And I’ll never regret it for a moment.”

He got to his feet then, graceful but slow, prolonging the moment until he was finally leaving me here, finally leaving his heart behind with me. Something was stuck in my throat as he looked to the window, almost as if he was memorizing the sight of it, before he took a deep breath and smiled again that same happy smile that made my heart soar. And then, he slipped through the window with enough slowness for me to see, and his footsteps crunched away further and further into the distance.

Eventually, they faded away.

It wasn’t until days later, when the constant thought of if I was going to ever see him again was pushed to the back of my mind that I realized what had choked me that night: It was only a few simple words.

I love you, too.