Hey There, Delilah

Summer flew by once senior year finally began to pick up speed, and fall barely even had a chance before winter swept in and dusted New York's front lawns with snow.

I've been harvesting that growing feeling for Matt in the pit of my stomach, trying to keep it contained in my screwed up mind. Nevertheless, it's getting harder and harder to ignore the way he looks at me when Meghan is standing right beside him, in his arms. I'll cross my eyes at him in response and I'll watch him fight to keep a smile off his face.

In my delusional mindset, I think Matt even likes me back sometimes, but then reality hits and I wonder who would ever chose me when they already have Meghan.

"Delilah?"

I look up from my magazine and toward Meghan, sprawled out on my bed. "Yeah, Meggie?"

"I think I love Matt."

My breath hitches in my throat and I cough around it, attempting to be able to say something. "What? I mean, wow, really?"

She smiles her brilliant smile and nods. "No one I've dated...Matt is so important to me. Ever since we got together this summer...I've just felt like it's so right to be with him. I -- I love him."

I force a smile and jump on top of her, hugging my best friend. "Aww, my little grasshopper is growing up."

She laughs and we continue to talk even though she can't tell the emotional conflict raging in my mind. She can't tell how torn I am to be happy for her, to be the best friend I know I should be, or to be so upset that she's in love with the guy I'm falling for. Correction: they guy I've hit the ground for, the guy who has screwed up my morals and twisted them around beyond belief.

"Have you told him yet?" I ask, truly not wanting to hear the answer.

"No...I want it to be special, you know? Not at a party, or some date at the movies. I don't know when, but when the moment presents itself..."

"You'll snatch it like a bear snatches a honey-covered jar."

Meghan laughs and rolls over on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, grinning. "Exactly."

<<>>

Ben stood at my doorway, his expression perplexed. "Hey, Del. How's it going?"

"Better now that you're here," I say smiling.

There's a nervous laugh and he pushes his way inside, running a hand over his face. My smile starts to slide off my lips and I can tell where this could be going.

"Look, Del, these last few months with you have been phenomenal, but..." He sighs and squints those bright blue eyes, like he always does when he's saying something upsetting. "But, I feel as if we were better friends than a couple, you know? Like we were never supposed to be together together, you know?"

I smile, surprising him, and nod, "I understand, Ben. I felt that too and I just didn't want to say anything."

Ben hugs me and kisses the top of my head, rocking from side to side, "Really? So we're good?"

"Like we used to be," I respond, hugging him back and laughing.

"I am going to miss that ass, though."

"Oh, please," I say, walking in the kitchen before smacking my butt, "You never got a piece of this."

Ben laughs and leans against the counter, taking the water I handed him. "I guess you're right. But I was close right?"

I look at him and roll my eyes, "Think whatever you want, Ben."

"Hey, since it's Saturday and all, would you care to accompany me to the park, sit on the bench in the frigid weather, and make up stories about the people who walk by?"

"As much as I would love to, I've got a ton of homework to get over with and Matt's comin' over so I can help him what that AP English essay."

"You guys are still doing that whole tutoring thing?" Ben asks, obviously skeptical.

"Yup, I've actually learned to deal with the guy." And almost as as if on queue the doorbell rings and I dance over to it, the door revealing Matt in all his beautiful glory.

I keep my smile to a minimum, like I usually try to do whenever I see him. "Hey, lemme just finish talking with Ben and we can get started."

"Ben?" Matt asks, looking over my head and does that nod thing guys do. "Oh. Hey man."

"Sup?" Ben replies, taking another sip of water.

"School crap, you know how it is." Matt replies, standing much too close to for my liking. Well, let me rephrase. I liked it, I just couldn't think straight.

Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. She loves him. She's in love. She's never been in love, don't take this away from her. I think to myself, distancing myself from Matt.

I envelop Ben in a hug, "It was nice to talk, see you later?"

He nods and lifts me up in the air for a second before placing my feet on solid ground again. "Just call if you wanna freeze your ass off in the park with me."

I smile and knock my hip against his, pushing him out the door. "I'll let you know."

I shut the door behind Ben, locking the cold air out and keeping the heat inside. I rub my arms anyway, trying to brush the goosebumps away and start heading upstairs. "Ready to get started?"

Matt sighs and hikes his backpack further up his shoulder, "Sure. What'd you and Ben talk about?"

"Oh," I say, cracking my fingers nervously. Would he treat me differently because I was single now? Would he act the same? "Ben and I decided to just stay friends, that a relationship wasn't exactly right for us."

I look at me, attempting to decipher his expression. It's torn between confusion and there's that little crease in the middle of his eye brows again. I reach over with my index finger and smooth it out like I've always dreamed of doing.

He smiles and closes his eyes for a second, and I don't fight the hope that wells up inside me telling me it's because he enjoys how my skin feels against his. "I liked a girl named Delilah before," Matt says suddenly and I feel as if my knees could give out any second.

"Oh?" I say, digging in my childhood memories, something nagging me at the back of my mind. I make sure to ignore the part with Alex and the car accident, but his voice seeps into my brain anyway -- Delly.... "I think when I was in kindergarten I liked a kid named Matt. He moved to...Boston."

Matt stops in front of my door and I do, too. Was he...? No, that's impossible.

I look into his eyes and think of the five year-old kid I had a crush on. I added baby fat to Matt's cheeks, shortened him by four feet, and imagined him for shorter hair. "Oh, my god." I whisper, "It was you."

"Delilah? Do you have a red crayon I could use?"

My pigtails spun around as I turned toward Matt, hazel eyes bright even then and black hair shining in the lights of the classroom. "Of course, Matty."

He goes to leave for his table but comes back to me and pecks me on the cheek. "I think you're really pretty, Delly."

A blush so red decorates my cheeks and I smile brightly at Matt, "I think you're cute, too."

"Really?" And the way that one word brights up his entire face makes me grin even bigger, "Of course."

Matt drops his backpack against the wall and takes a hand, brushing my cheek with his fingertips. My eyelids flutter shut, but behind my eyes I can see Meghan sprawled out on my bed again. I -- I love him.

I pull away abruptly, the heat his fingers trailed across my skin burning like his he was still right there and I push past him, into my bedroom.

I couldn't play this game anymore. I had to stop tutoring him. One of these days everything was going to come out and it would screw up how everything was supposed to end up. Meghan and Matt were supposed to have the happily ever after, not have me intervene.

And yet, here I was anyway.

"Are you alright?" Matt asks, coming in after me and dropping his backpack again on the floor near his feet. He takes a step toward me, but I take one back.

"Matt...I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" His voice was so innocent, ignorant. He had no idea what went on in my head everyday while he was here, while he wasn't. When I wasn't with Matt, I was thinking about the next time I would see him, and when I wasn't talking about him, I was waiting for a chance to bring him up as inconspicuously as possibly into conversation.

He had no idea how much he has torn me apart in these last few months.

He had no idea how much I felt like the world's worst best friend for falling for someone I couldn't have.

"Be here, everyday, having these tutoring sessions with you." I pause, really deciding whether I should, whether I could go on. I do anyway. "I can't...lay beside you and pretend to be just friends when - when I want something more. The guilt I feel every second for falling for you weighs me down every second, but that guilt is nothing compared to how ecstatic I feel when you smile. I'm not scared or even upset about what I'm feeling for you. I'm scared that I don't...I don't regret it."

I take a deep breath and collapse in my desk chair, "You probably think I'm some insane girl who goes off on these rants, but honestly, I was dying just by keeping that in." I stare at my fingers twisting them back and forth, distracting myself from looking up and seeing Matt's expression. "So I think...we should stop these sessions. Stay away from each other, because I - this," I move my hand between us, "Is getting too much for me, Matt."

There's silence and I still can't force myself to look up. The springs in my bed squeak as Matt sits down, letting out a big breath. "What if...what if I don't want to stay away from you?"

I shrug and draw patterns in the carpet with my socked foot. "I can be the one to stay away from you, I mean...You're not the one having illogical feelings for your best friend's boyfriend."

"No..." Matt says and I feel my heart break. "I'm the one having illogical feelings for my girlfriend's best friend."

"Exactly so --." I freeze, every muscle in my body constricting and my heartbeat stopping completely. "Wait, what?"

I look up now, brushing my plain brown hair out of my eyes and see Matt kneeling in front of me. "You've been driving me insane, Delilah. When I'm not with you, I'm thinking of you. When I'm with you, I can't focus on anything else. When I'm with Meghan and you're there, I wish you were the one in my arms."

I stare at him in disbelief, my jaw probably hitting the floor. Suddenly I stand up and sit on the edge of my bed, running a shaking hand through my hair. Matt liked me back. Matt had feelings for me. Matt thought about me as much as I thought about him.

The thoughts poured through my mind at lightening speed and I couldn't stop myself. When Matt sat beside me, his hand itching toward mine, linking out fingers together, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "This doesn't change things, though," I whisper in his ear, "I wish it does, but it doesn't. You're in a relationship my with my best friend. It's like an unwritten rule not to --."

He cuts me off with his lips attaching to mine, and I don't fight it anymore. I let him kiss me, and I sure as hell kiss him back.

And it felt even better than I imagined...if that's possible. His arms tightening around my waist and I knotted my fingers in his hair, falling backwards with him right there with me.

And Meghan wasn't anywhere on my mind.

"You talk too much, Delilah," Matt whispers, breath hot on my face, the smile so big on his face you'd think he was a little kid on Christmas morning.

"Says the person who stopped kissing me to say that," I respond, staring at his lips before studying his eyes studying me.

"All you have to do is ask," Matt responds, his lips meeting mine before I even have a chance to respond.

I don't protest.