Faded
am I alive?
When I stick my head above the river of life I was swimming in, my mother is calling for me.
"Dinner is ready!" she says. I groan and roll over. Downstairs, I know there will be a salad and some main course waiting for me. But I don't want it. I tell her I don't feel good.
If I screamed right now, or in the hallways at school, would anyone notice? Try to help? Or just let me stand there, screaming, breaking, crying, until my throat is bleeding and I'm coughing up blood and I just collapse?
If I cut myself during class, would anyone notice? Or would they just ignore it? Ignorance is bliss, you know. But I'm utterly alone. My best friend moved to London and I'm stuck here in Illinois with no one. I might say four words one day. That's it. Because no one talks to me.
I unwrap a paper clip until it's almost straight, lift my pantleg, and slice. It's quick, and painless, and I'm relieved when I see the blood welling slowly in the cut. I do it just to know I'm alive.
Coincidentally, Iris by the Googoo Dolls comes on my iPod, "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive," And somehow I'm gasping and crying, listening to the lyrics. And somehow my mom pretends not to hear, and somehow my brother knocks on my wall to say 'shut up'. And my dog scratches on my door. I get up to let her in. And she lets me lay on her, soaking her fur in salty tears, until I'm almost okay again. She licks my leg, like she can heal the cuts and scars with her doggy saliva. She sleeps with me that night.
Is it sad when my dog is the only person who knows something is wrong?
"Dinner is ready!" she says. I groan and roll over. Downstairs, I know there will be a salad and some main course waiting for me. But I don't want it. I tell her I don't feel good.
If I screamed right now, or in the hallways at school, would anyone notice? Try to help? Or just let me stand there, screaming, breaking, crying, until my throat is bleeding and I'm coughing up blood and I just collapse?
If I cut myself during class, would anyone notice? Or would they just ignore it? Ignorance is bliss, you know. But I'm utterly alone. My best friend moved to London and I'm stuck here in Illinois with no one. I might say four words one day. That's it. Because no one talks to me.
I unwrap a paper clip until it's almost straight, lift my pantleg, and slice. It's quick, and painless, and I'm relieved when I see the blood welling slowly in the cut. I do it just to know I'm alive.
Coincidentally, Iris by the Googoo Dolls comes on my iPod, "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive," And somehow I'm gasping and crying, listening to the lyrics. And somehow my mom pretends not to hear, and somehow my brother knocks on my wall to say 'shut up'. And my dog scratches on my door. I get up to let her in. And she lets me lay on her, soaking her fur in salty tears, until I'm almost okay again. She licks my leg, like she can heal the cuts and scars with her doggy saliva. She sleeps with me that night.
Is it sad when my dog is the only person who knows something is wrong?