Here's Everything I've Always Meant to Say

The officer had left two hours ago and I was still sitting in the couch my head in my hands my body shaking and tears pouring down my face. Eli’s arms were firmly around my body and his head was set on top of mine as he held me close. I whimpered and sobbed in his arms pressing my face further into the palm of my hands.

“Kylie?” Cece’s voice was soft and un sure as she sat down in front of me. “I don’t know if you heard the officer earlier but I figure now is the best time as any at this point.” Slowly I looked up at her my eyes swollen and tears still fallen and I was barely looking at her just peaking at her from behind my fingers.

“Mom, She’s not going to be upset about that, you don’t have to tip toe around what you’re about to say…”Eli’s voice kind of shocked me, seeing as both of us had been sitting their silently for the past two hours, him just letting me cry.

“Well, you’re mother made me promise a few days before you found her dead, that if anything ever happened to her that we would become your guardians…” She took a deep breath and slowly I tilted my head up to fully look at her though looking at any one through my swollen eyes hurt.

“She wrote it out in a will as a final request and turned it into a lawyer; she had a feeling that something was going to happen to her. She made CeCe and I promise not to tell you …”Bullfrog entered the room a cigarette stuck behind his ear as he looked towards me a gentle look on his face. I could feel my heart sink.

“So as soon as we found out your mother was dead we contacted the number she gave us and it was the social work that would be taking your case if something was to happen to your mom…” She stopped for a moment drawing in a deep breath. “The paper work was filled out and the case worker came through while you were at school the other day to check out the guest room that we redecorated and named as your room-”

“Even though we all know you’ll be spending most of your time in Eli’s” Bullfrog cut his wife off with a grin placed on his face. I blushed but it was weak considering how flushed my face already was from sobbing for two hours.

“And, well I guess what I’m trying to say is you live here now and we are your…Legal guardians but that doesn’t change anything.” She smiled gently as she reached over gently touching my face. I wasn’t really sure how to react I was thankful to them but my brain was so fried and so tired that all I could do was look at her like a deer caught in car head lights.

“Thank you.” My voice was raspy and barely there from crying. My throat was dry and my head was throbbing. CeCe just smiled I think she understood how completely drained I was from what I’d just dealt with from that officer.

“You’re welcome sweet heart; I know you’ll be my daughter in law some day.” She winked before standing up causing Eli to groan and run his fingers through his head as she walked out of the room. I looked up towards Eli slightly wincing as my head pounded yet again.

“That was the surprise I was talking about at the ice cream shop. Mom’s been working on that room for you, since you’re mom called and said something might happen because the case worker said you had to have your own room in the house.” Eli expanded on his mother explanation and why they’d created a room when we all knew what bullfrog had said was true. I probably wouldn’t leave Eli’s bed or his side.

“You’re mom’s amazing Eli.” I mumbled gently as I tried to get up off Eli’s lap so I could look at him but my body didn’t want to move, it didn’t even want to push its self off of Eli.

“I know, Come on let’s get you to bed, I’ll do our homework tonight and then we can have the whole weekend to ourselves just me and you.” Eli smiled as he pushed himself off the couch his arms still wrapped around my body as he carried me into the bed room I’d become familiar too.

“NO! I don’t want to lay down unless you’re going to lay with me.” I squeaked as my hands tangled into the fabric of Eli’s shirt. He smiled gently shaking his head and set me down on the bed crawling onto the bed with me pulling me closer to his body. I set my head against his chest and let my eyes start to close.

“Kylie having you around is one of the best things to happen to me, I never understood what I was missing when I was dating Jen and now I understand it.” I giggled slightly pressing my face further against his chest.

“Stop it Eli, I’m nothing special.” I grumbled unable to really make a coherent sentence with my eyes starting to drift to a close position and I couldn’t force them open no matter how hard I tried.

“You are so tired.” He laughed his chest gently rising and falling as he did. He pulled the blanket around us and kissed my forehead. “Everything’s going to be Ok now. I have you.” He whispered rocking me in his arms until I fell asleep.

The next few days passed as kind of a blur. Eli helped me to the best of his knowledge with all the homework that I had missed. I’d skipped school on Monday and now today was the day of my mom’s funeral. I was scared and emotional more than I’d ever been in my life. Today was the day that I couldn’t deny it any more, my mom was dead.

I slid the dark black jacket over my arms as my black dress hugged my body matching the black heals that I was wearing. I had thick black eyeliner on and no mascara, I’d done my hair up so that I could put a black bow in my hair for her, it was her favorite thing I would wear sometimes. I could already feel the tears starting to prick behind my eyes and I was just standing in the parking lot of the church that the funeral was being held at.

“You look fine.” Eli commented for about the fifth time since we’d left the house. I’d been readjusting my clothes since we stepped into the car, fiddling with the bow in my hair and my jacket, Eli continued to reassured me that everything was fine. He was dressed in a black tux with a stripped vest buttoned and a black tie around his neck and his hair tussled almost looked like sex hair and he looked really good. If I wasn’t so focused on the depression starting to seep through my veins I would have jumped him.

“I know Eli, you keep saying that.” I sighed looking towards him tears starting to drip down my pale face. The look on his face was of pain, he seemed to hurt just as much as I was, and though I had a feeling his pain was a result of my own.

“You can do this, you need to say goodbye, and you have to tell all these wonderful people how amazing you’re mother was to you.” He leaned in and kissed the tears that had fallen down my cheeks. I shook my head looking at him with the saddest expression.

“I can’t go in there and look at those people what if they think I did it too? What if they don’t believe that my dad did it…that I’m just that horrible.” I began to ramble tears starting to build up again in my eyes. Eli looked at me letting out a gentle sigh kissing my forehead and pulling me close to his body.

“Come on Beautiful, I promise I’m not going to leave your side.” He murmured gently into my ear as he grabbed my hand lacing his fingers with mine leading me towards the little church. Slowly we walked into the grim funeral home, a bunch of my mom’s family had gathered my father’s family was there too neither side speaking to each other and somehow I felt as if I was placed in the middle of it all.

“Oh Kylie sweet heart.” My grandmother on my mother’s side jumped up and ran to me wrapping her arms around me holding me tightly. I drew in a deep breath holding my grandmother close tears starting to roll down my face yet again.

“Hey Grandma” I laughed bitterly pulling back as I looked at her “I haven’t seen you in a very long time...”

“Well we’ve had some stuff going on but nothing that couldn’t be put down for our only daughter’s funeral.” The way she’d said that made my whole body feel cold like I wasn’t really anything. They just came down to see their dead daughter. I didn’t ever mean much to them any way.

“I’m sure she’d love that you were here” I choked out before letting go of her and letting go of my grip on Eli’s hand as I started to walk towards the front knowing I was going to have to be the first to speak about my mother. There were pictures of her hung up around the place and the casket was open and the mortuary had done a fantastic job of making her look like she was just sleeping. It was the first time in weeks that I’d seen my mother.

Even though she was in the casket she looked like she was just asleep. The mutilating cuts that had been on her face and arms and neck when I found her were covered. She was dressed in her favorite long sleeve black and red striped blouse. Her dark hair was brushed back gently resting against her pale face. Even a little bit of make up on her face almost gave her the appearance she was alive. I let out a small sigh of relief when I noticed the wedding ring she always wore had been taken from her finger. I hadn’t realized that I’d been standing there just staring until I felt Eli’s hands on my hips.

“Come on babe, it’s time for you to talk.” He spoke softly as he kissed my temple. I turned to look at him for a moment before glancing back to my mother in the casket. I nodded slowly walking over to the podium and looking around the little church. Everyone had a different expression from anger and resentment to hurt and immense pain.

“Hello, I’m glad you could all come today, she would be happy you were here.” I spoke softly and all the faces in the church looked to me. I swallowed my grip on the podium tightening. Eli had moved from my side to sit in the front letting me know he was here If I needed help.

“You should be in jail” I heard someone in the church mutter under their breath and instead of lashing out I just hung my head for a moment. I heard someone start moving around but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to look up at them again.

“I know that some of you feel as if it’s my fault this has happened, though I’m not sure why. My mother was everything to me. She always took care of me, she never wanted me to get hurt. Always was apologizing for my father’s actions whenever I would get caught in the cross fire. Sending me away to Eli’s house when she was afraid I wouldn’t be safe…”

“But that’s not why all of you are here. All of you are here because she’s dead now and everyone here deserves to know that she’s in heaven where she deserves to be. Where she can’t be harassed or treated poorly by me or anyone else anymore.” I slowly glanced up at the audience everyone had settled and everyone had tears in their eyes.

“If you killed her why are you sorry?” Another random commentator and I made eye contact with Eli who was starting to get fidgety and angrier after every comment directed at me like that.

“This isn’t a trial. I didn’t kill my mother and whoever killed her is NOT why we are here today. We are HERE to celebrate my mom’s life! Not to point fingers at innocent people! She was an amazing woman! I loved her to death…”

“And look it seemed to come to that.” Another snarky remark only this time I’d seen who had made it. My blood began to boil. It was my aunt on my dad’s side.

“Oh? You seem to think I killed her. This is the third time you’ve said something. News flash I didn’t kill my mom. I loved my mom. You know who killed her. My dad killed her and he was GOING to kill me. Blaming me isn’t going to help you’re brothers situation.” I snarled everything in my body getting ready to lunge at her.

“You’re a worthless bitch!” She screamed and that was it Eli was out of his seat at my side. CeCe was standing up headed towards my aunt and bullfrog was jogging after her.