Here's Everything I've Always Meant to Say

The funeral had gone downhill from that moment. The police had to be called and the family escorted from the funeral home. Now Eli and I and my mother’s side of the family was all gathered around a large hole in the ground. I didn’t know how I was still standing my whole body was shaking tears were pouring down my cheeks and I was staring at the dirt.

“We are gathered here today in remembrance of…” and I couldn’t hear anything anymore. My body was frozen I could see my breath, but the rest of the world seemed to be spinning in circles. I closed my eyes falling back against Eli

“Whoa! Whoa! Kylie!” Eli shouted As he tried to hold me up. I couldn’t think straight much less feel anything in my body as I felt my knees gave way. “KYLIE!” His voice was harsh and loud. Some how it managed to be enough to at least get me to keep my eyes open. I’m sure every one’s eyes were on me at this point though the only thing I could see was Eli’s concerned face looking down at me.

“Should we call 911?” I heard a deep voice call from somewhere around me. Not sure exactly where to pin point the noise or where it was coming from at this point. My body felt heavier than normal, it was a fight to keep my eyes open at this point.

“No, she’s fine, she’s just under a lot of stress and this...” I could hear CeCe talking but I couldn’t see her. I kept my focus on Eli’s very worried face. “This, mess that we have going on here isn’t doing her any good.” She sighed softly and I suddenly felt some one’s hands on the back of my head as I was laid down against the ground.

“Mom, Can you go get the car? She just needs to go back to the house.” Why did his voice seem so far away? I looked at him dazed and very much confused. I reached my hand up but nothing happened. I swore I was moving my hand but nothing seemed to be happening.

“Yeah, help him out…” CeCe signaled for someone else to move in and slowly Bullfrog came into view looking just as confused as I felt.

“She’s done this before, well something like this, the day we found her mom dead. She freaked out almost quit breathing. I think it’s some kind of shock or stress defense.” Eli mumbled to his father as his finger tips slowly came in contact with my cheek.

“Eli...” I croaked but it didn’t even come out above a whisper. I tried to take a deep breath, I couldn’t. It felt like there was a one hundred pound weight on my chest preventing my chest from moving like I needed it too.

“Kylie.” He leaned down softly his face closer to mine now. He set one hand on my cheek and the other by my head as he looked at me. “You’re ok; we’re going to get you home. Count with me.” He said suddenly. I stared at him for a moment before he began to actually count out loud.

“Four…Five…Six…” I slowly caught on to his counting rhythm. I was so focused on counting that I didn’t notice CeCe run back over and look down at us. Eli’s face started to light up as we continued to count and I seemed to gain more and more consciousness as we counted together.

“There we go, good job Eli.” Bullfrog smiled gently as he stood up pulling me up slowly off the ground careful not to move me to fast and make all the blood rush to my head. “You okay there Ky?” His father held me steady for a few minutes until I slowly was able to nod my head.

“I’m ok.” I uttered gently looking towards Eli. Eli let out a soft sigh it sounded relieved that I was alright at least; I believe that’s what the sigh was about.

“Come on, Kylie lets get you back to the house.” Eli urged as he ignored all the people in the background still looking at the hole that was dug into the ground waiting for the coffin my mother was in to be placed into it.

“Maybe…maybe I should stay?” I turned away from Eli my body feeling stiff and freezing as I faced the coffin being slowly lowered into the hole. I felt Eli’s hands gently on my arms before he appeared in front of me, blocking my view of the coffin being lowered.

“No, We need to go home Kylie.” I tried to look around him but every time I moved my head so did he. I let out a small frustrated sigh.

“I’m fine though Eli! I just want to see her put to re-” I choked on the words as they attempted to leave my throat. Eli raised an eyebrow as if he had just proved a point.

“Kylie, the grave will be here for you to visit by yourself or with me any time you want.” He was desperately trying to convince me to head back to the house. I could feel both CeCe and bullfrog behind me ready to catch me if I fainted again.

“Eli…” I countered as I started to argue my defense. He moved out of my way enough so I could see the grave finally being placed in the ground. The burrier picked up a shovel and filled the shovel with a fair amount of dirt. “no!” I shrieked as he threw the dirt into the hole.

“No what” He looked up a look of confusion and irritation on his face. My heart was racing again and Eli was getting ready to edge himself back in front of me but he stayed at my side for the moment.

“Don’t…Don’t do that! Don’t…Don’t cover her with dirt!” I rushed out looking at him tears starting to form again. I could faintly hear several people let out small sobs and a few ‘oh the poor thing’ came from the crowd.

“Listen, This is what has to be done. This funeral has already run over its allotted time slot. I need to put the dirt on and fill up the hole.” HE was trying to be as nice as possible but the obvious agitation and impatiens was creeping through.

“Eli, don’t…don’t let him” I begged turning to face the only person that seemed to be able to make everything seem just fine. Eli looked at me helplessly; a certain amount of pain etched onto his face as he gently took my hands into his.

“Kylie, she needs to be buried. Come on. I’ll bring you back later to say goodbye ok?” He spoke softly. My whole body was starting to shake again at the anxiety I was beginning to feel piling on as he threw another shovel full of dirt into the hole.

“No! She’ll be too far away!” I cried looking at Eli desperately looking for some kind of help or support from the other teenager. The hurt on his face intensified, he let go of my hands for a moment, replacing his hands on my hips and pulling me closer to him.

“Let’s go Ky, you don’t need to see this.” He murmured gently pressing his face into my hair and holding me against his body tighter than normal but I could understand why. I had just fainted on him and I was starting to build up rage the more dirt that was put into the hole.

“Yeah, come on sweet heart. We’ll take you home and cook you some good food… and Eli can watch movies, you don’t have to go to school tomorrow.” CeCe was trying to reason with me now and I was starting to give in as my fist clenched.

“I need her.” I looked away from Eli to CeCe who had tears of her own forming in her eyes and starting to drip down her face. CeCe let out a small whimper before reaching out and wiping a few tears from my face.

“It’s going to be alright sweetie, It’ll get easier with time...” She tried to reassure me but I wasn’t sure that was even enough. Just listening to the dirt hit the wooden coffin cover made my body quake in anger and sadness.

“I know what you’re feeling Kylie, remember Julia? My ex girlfriend. Well I sort of know.” Eli reasoned. I looked at him my eyes bloodshot and tears still forcing themselves down my face.

“She’s my mom Eli; I need her…Burry me with her!” I cried softly my whole body shaking as I sobbed. He continued to hold my waist and hold me against him.

“No, You’re mom wouldn’t have wanted you buried with her. Why do you think she didn’t argue when you came over to my house and didn’t want to go home? She knew something was going to happen or she wouldn’t have called my mom kylie..” Eli was beginning to make more and more sense and something about him making sense was making me angry.

“No!” I screamed fighting out of his arms accidently scratching him as I pushed him away “you’re lying!” I screamed slowly starting to back up pushing my way through people as tears continued down my face.

“Kylie, we wouldn’t lie” CeCe started to shout back but Eli gave her some kind of look and a hand signal that made her stop talking as I continued to back up my leg hitting up against a head stone.

“QUIT IT! QUIT PUTTING DIRT IN!” I was growling now. The man that held the shovel dropped it and looked around concerned I was going to attack him. He slowly backed away from the shovel. The preacher that was there escorted the rest of the group away from me and the hole my mom’s coffin was now laying in.

“Kylie, screaming at the digger, or the preacher, even the hole in the ground, it’s not going to make your mom magically reappear.” It was Eli; his voice was thick with concern and something else.

“SHUT UP!” I glared at him digging my nails into the palm of my hands as my feet hit another head stone. I felt like all my blood was rushing to my head and away from my heart as it pounded desperately in my chest.

“Kylie, I know what it’s like to watch someone you love get buried. Believe me, putting a few layers of dirt between you and the coffin isn’t going to make one bit of a difference.” I let out an ear piercing scream and his hands flew up to cover his ears.

“No! NO NO NO!” I screamed shaking my head as I tripped and fell over another head stone landing on my butt, hard. I sat their stunned for a moment before digging my fingers into the dirt be low me anger still coursing through me.

“Please, Just let me come be near you…I won’t pick you up or try and touch you…just let me come sit with you, Please kylie.” Eli’s voice was heart breaking. The pain in his voice reflected the tears that were starting to form in his eyes.

“I’ll just hurt you!” I cried my whole body shaking the deeper I dug my fingers into the dirt. Eli shook his head cautiously moving towards me.

“No, I promise, you aren’t going to hurt me. Just…just let me sit with you.” He inched closer to see how I would react. I just glared at the dirt my body shaking from the cold and the emotions raging.

“I’m not worth your pain Eli.” My voice wavered as I sobbed. Eli slowly sat down in front of me, not next to me because my hands were dug pretty deep into the muddy grass below us. I watched as his hand slowly slid under my chin.

“Never say that again,” He tilted my head to face his, a small tear rolling down his face. “You are the only person that’s ever made me feel alive again. You helped me move on after Julia. I’d give my life for you.” My fingers were starting to grow numb from being in the dirt and I knew there was no way Eli was going to let me throw my nasty hands around him.

“I’m bad Eli; Everyone I love gets hurt…or killed…” I slowly shook his hand off my face pulling my knees up against my body. “I’m bad.” I repeated my hands trying to ball into fists in the soil.

“No, you aren’t bad. Your father is bad. He did this. He would have killed you too.” Eli scooted closer to me setting his hands on my thighs rubbing them up and down creating a small amount of heat for me to enjoy.

“I should have died…people needed her Eli. No one NEEDS me.” I repeated something I’d said days ago and the look on Eli’s face was enough to shatter whatever was left of my heart.

“Kylie, I need you. I need you way more than I’ve ever let you know. If that were you in that hole right now, I’d be in it with you a bullet through my own chest just to go with you.” His words hit and they hit hard, He really did love me.

“You’re parents need you though… I would be ok…on my own.” I mumbled gently as my fingers slowly uncurled in the dirt slowly I made eye contact with him.

“I love you, Kylie. I love my parents too. IF you were to die, my heart would go with you. I’m never going to leave you alone. I can’t live without you Ky.” Eli’s hand started to slowly move up from my thighs now to my sides. He was inching his way towards me, more cautious than I’d ever seen him act before.

“Kylie, Baby girl, we love you like you were our own. Please, please let us take you home.” I looked over. CeCe had tears rolling down her cheeks and bullfrog was holding her looking rather sad himself. I glanced back to Eli.

“We really do love you Ky; please let us take you home.” Eli Looked towards me inching his face towards me. I bit down on my lip nodding slowly leaning my head forward meeting his. The kiss was one of desperation, one of pain and love.

As our lips met slowly my hands came up from the dirt and my body uncurled. I was desperate to get closer to him. Desperate to feel him against me, desperate to feel anything but pain, I rearranged my body my knees now on the ground under me as I moved my body closer towards his. He reached up his hands on my waist holding me steady as our mouths moved together. I grabbed his sleeves on his shirt pulling him even closer.

“Would you mind stopping the two of them? No one needs to see that.” I faintly heard some voice I didn’t recognize and then I heard CeCe shouting but I couldn’t make out any of what she was saying. Slowly I pulled away from Eli and looked him in the eye both of us panting and out of breath.

“Let’s go home,” he murmured, gently he stood up taking me with him. His arms quickly found their way around my waist as we walked back to his parents. “It’s ok mom, let’s go before she changes her mind again.” He smiled trying to lighten the mood but we all knew he was serious.