Playground Eyes.
move your body when the sunlight dies.
“What –What are you doing for Valentine’s Day this year?” Alex asks tentatively, playing with the messy sheets of his bed while Jack hurries around the room and dresses.
“I don’t know, Holly will probably want to do something, I guess. Why?” The taller boy responds with a shrug, buttoning his shirt quickly. Alex knocks his eyes down to his fingers, knotting in the soft, sweaty green cotton of the sheets he’s had since he started college last year.
“I was just –no, it doesn’t matter.” He starts, trailing off and glancing at the smooth, polished wooden flooring. Anywhere away from Jack.
“What is it?” Jack says, pausing in his battle against his tie, sitting on the bed and moving over to Alex, cupping his cheeks with his hands.
Alex stares at him, hard in the eyes, and he’s struck by the times that Jack had told him his eyes reminded him fondly of fun fairs, and city lights, and the night sky, and the way rain shimmers when sunlight passes through it. He always comes back to the fun fairs.
“Alex?” Jack says after the nineteen year old boy’s long silence. “What is it?”
Alex shifts his eyes to the wall behind Jack’s head as he starts to speak, voice shaking, watery, reminiscent of the sea and the uneasy bob of the boats on even the softest of waves.
“I was –I was just thinking, maybe this Valentine’s, maybe just this once, we could maybe make love?” Alex says, his voice trailing and sad, tone softening and softening until he’s barely audible at all.
“Alex,” Jack says with a soft laugh from the back of his throat, “you know that’s not what we do.”
Alex tugs the blankets up over his still-naked body, as though it makes a difference.
“No, Jack, it’s not what you do. You don’t make love –you probably never have in your whole life. But speak for yourself. I’ve only ever made love. Although, lately, I seem to be making more shame and regret than I do love.”
Alex finally looks up, and his eyes meet Jack’s for a fraction of a second before he has to look away because the tears are starting. He never meant to fall in love. This is just an affair –just a fling behind the back of the wife of the twenty-five year old accountant.
But flings don’t last two years. Flings don’t involve dates, and compliments, and staying up until three am just to make sure they fall asleep to the sound of your voice. That’s a relationship, and it’s as clear to Alex as the color blue.
“Alex, you know we can’t.” Jack says softly, and Alex shifts away from him. “You know that’s not why we sleep together.”
“Then why do we?” Alex snaps, sitting up and glaring at Jack, eyes clashing as they stare at each other. The fun fair’s on fire –there’s fireworks in the city sky.
“Alex, I-”
“Why, Jack?” Alex asks, eyes starting to run with tears. “Why do you do it? Because I know why I do, not that it would mean anything to you.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I love you. That’s why I make love. I can’t do anything else. I’m not sure I know how.”
“Alex, you know I don’t love you like that. We’ve had this conversation before.”
Alex’s expression hardens, and he raises his arm in the direction of the door.
“Then get out.”
“Alex-”
“You sleep with me for the thrill of hiding it from your wife. I know. I sleep with you because I love you. They’re different.” Alex sighs, blinking his eyes quickly. “Now, please, just go before I say anything else that you don’t need to know.”
Jack frowns, almost reluctant to leave the younger boy, but he sees the time is nearing five in the afternoon, and Holly expects him back no later than five thirty.
He pauses to take a last, lingering look into Alex’s wet, teary chocolate brown eyes and his fears are only confirmed. There are no stars in the night sky anymore –no sun to glimmer through the rain.
“Just go.” He says, voice quiet and lisping with tears.
And so Jack goes, the only thing in his mind being the way Alex’s eyes looked just like shattered glass –shining with a broken hope that can never be rebuilt.
“I don’t know, Holly will probably want to do something, I guess. Why?” The taller boy responds with a shrug, buttoning his shirt quickly. Alex knocks his eyes down to his fingers, knotting in the soft, sweaty green cotton of the sheets he’s had since he started college last year.
“I was just –no, it doesn’t matter.” He starts, trailing off and glancing at the smooth, polished wooden flooring. Anywhere away from Jack.
“What is it?” Jack says, pausing in his battle against his tie, sitting on the bed and moving over to Alex, cupping his cheeks with his hands.
Alex stares at him, hard in the eyes, and he’s struck by the times that Jack had told him his eyes reminded him fondly of fun fairs, and city lights, and the night sky, and the way rain shimmers when sunlight passes through it. He always comes back to the fun fairs.
“Alex?” Jack says after the nineteen year old boy’s long silence. “What is it?”
Alex shifts his eyes to the wall behind Jack’s head as he starts to speak, voice shaking, watery, reminiscent of the sea and the uneasy bob of the boats on even the softest of waves.
“I was –I was just thinking, maybe this Valentine’s, maybe just this once, we could maybe make love?” Alex says, his voice trailing and sad, tone softening and softening until he’s barely audible at all.
“Alex,” Jack says with a soft laugh from the back of his throat, “you know that’s not what we do.”
Alex tugs the blankets up over his still-naked body, as though it makes a difference.
“No, Jack, it’s not what you do. You don’t make love –you probably never have in your whole life. But speak for yourself. I’ve only ever made love. Although, lately, I seem to be making more shame and regret than I do love.”
Alex finally looks up, and his eyes meet Jack’s for a fraction of a second before he has to look away because the tears are starting. He never meant to fall in love. This is just an affair –just a fling behind the back of the wife of the twenty-five year old accountant.
But flings don’t last two years. Flings don’t involve dates, and compliments, and staying up until three am just to make sure they fall asleep to the sound of your voice. That’s a relationship, and it’s as clear to Alex as the color blue.
“Alex, you know we can’t.” Jack says softly, and Alex shifts away from him. “You know that’s not why we sleep together.”
“Then why do we?” Alex snaps, sitting up and glaring at Jack, eyes clashing as they stare at each other. The fun fair’s on fire –there’s fireworks in the city sky.
“Alex, I-”
“Why, Jack?” Alex asks, eyes starting to run with tears. “Why do you do it? Because I know why I do, not that it would mean anything to you.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I love you. That’s why I make love. I can’t do anything else. I’m not sure I know how.”
“Alex, you know I don’t love you like that. We’ve had this conversation before.”
Alex’s expression hardens, and he raises his arm in the direction of the door.
“Then get out.”
“Alex-”
“You sleep with me for the thrill of hiding it from your wife. I know. I sleep with you because I love you. They’re different.” Alex sighs, blinking his eyes quickly. “Now, please, just go before I say anything else that you don’t need to know.”
Jack frowns, almost reluctant to leave the younger boy, but he sees the time is nearing five in the afternoon, and Holly expects him back no later than five thirty.
He pauses to take a last, lingering look into Alex’s wet, teary chocolate brown eyes and his fears are only confirmed. There are no stars in the night sky anymore –no sun to glimmer through the rain.
“Just go.” He says, voice quiet and lisping with tears.
And so Jack goes, the only thing in his mind being the way Alex’s eyes looked just like shattered glass –shining with a broken hope that can never be rebuilt.