We've Got It All Figured Out... For Now

I did finally buckle and call Kirstie. I couldn’t bring myself to call Todd. I could barely look down at my wedding ring. As time went on, I honestly considered taking it off. I didn’t deserve to wear it. Todd’s loved me through so much and now… I kissed Tanner… my ex!… and told him that I… love him. What the heck is wrong with me?

“Ky!” I heard Kirstie’s voice shout once they walked through the door.

“I’m up here,” I attempted to shout back, but it didn’t come out that way.

Apparently, it was loud enough. Heavy footsteps came up the stairs before the whole Grant gang appeared in the doorway. I didn’t want to tell them. Todd’s their friend and… Tanner really isn’t. Why am I such a horrible person?

Kirstie told Emma to get down to Mason’s room while Josh came in and laid Christian on the bed. I just sat on the little couch we had in front of the bed, cradling my knees to my chest, holding in my tears that were threatening to fall already.

“What happened?” Kirsite asked softly as she walked over and sat next to me, rubbing my back softly.

“I messed up… like I always do,” I mumbled forcing my tears in, but causing my voice to crack with every word.

“Aw, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” she tried to soothe.

“I… I… kissed Tanner,” I muttered, blinking to allow a few tears run down my warm cheeks.

“Ok, this is what’s going to happen,” Josh butted in, trying make a little humor out of this situation. “He’s going to be upset for like a whole two minutes. But then he’ll realize that he loves you and everything will be just fi…” he tried to finish, but I shook my head violently to cut him off.

“It’s not going to be just fine,” I replied, continuing to shake my head.

“Ky, it was just a kiss. Todd may be a little upset, but…” Josh kept trying.

“I told him that I loved him,” I said in a voice nothing above a whisper.

To make me feel so much better about this whole situation, the room fell dead silent. It brought out my tears. Kirstie went on to pull me into a hug that I gladly gave into. Josh eventually come over and sat on the other side of me, trying to give off his JG comfort that Kirstie boasts so much about.

“Do you… love him?” Kirstie asked once my sobs had quieted down.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled without thinking.

“No, Kylee, you can talk to us. We’re your friends too,” Josh spoke up.

The look in his soft brown eyes reminded me of Todd. Even though their shades were completely different, it brought more hurt over me. I couldn’t look at him. It made me want to cry all over again.

“I mean… he’s Mason’s dad. Of course I have love for him, but…” I trailed off, not really knowing where I was going with this. Why do I feel like I do still love him?

“It’s not wrong of you to want to be with the guy that fathered your first child; especially with how much time you’ve been spending with Mason and Tanner lately. And I know how much you think what if. But… you can’t do that. You just have to focus on what you want. And… I know it may be hard, but if you want to be with Tanner, then you should. But if you love Todd, then you should be with him,” Kirstie explained.

“I feel like that most horrible person ever though,” I sniffled. “In a way, I left Tanner for Todd in the beginning. And then I left Todd for Tanner… and then I left Tanner for Todd again… and now… it could happen again. It’s so wrong. I have a baby with both of them,” I vented, finally voicing all of the confusing thoughts that have been running through my head.

“Ky, we can’t tell you who you want to be with. Only you know,” Josh spoke up softly.

“I know,” I sighed while wiping my tears away.

“We’ll be here for ya though; no matter what happens,” Kirstie smiled, pulling me in for another hug.

“Thanks,” I pushed a smile through momentarily.

As we were sitting a little less awkward silence than before, Jayden’s soft whimpers could be heard from the monitor. I told the Grants that they didn’t have to stay. I would be fine. They seemed a little uneasy about it, but they did as I walked down to my baby’s room.

I went over and picked him up, bouncing him gently before I went to Mason’s room. Since Emma was in here, he was awake. I sent him a small smile before I asked him to come downstairs with me. While rubbing his little blue eyes, he came with me.

Mason went on into the living room while I went and got Jayden a bottle. After it was ready, I went out to my other baby. He was lying on the couch. I smiled at him before I sat down, allowing him to come snuggle up on my lap. While Jayden was taking his bottle Mason fell asleep.

Once Jayden had hit that stage, I curled both of the boys up to me, giving each of them a kiss on the forehead. I hate that… I’m questioning the love I have for my husband… and the feelings I have towards my ex. The more I think about it, the more I feel horrible about myself. I hate this… But one thing’s for sure, I’ll always love these two boys and nothing in the world is ever going to change that.