Walking By

James stood there, speechless, as his world crumbled down around him.

She was walking around the room, frantically grabbing things off of her dresser and tossing them into the suitcase lying open on her bed. A flat iron, a picture frame, and a stuffed monkey lay scattered across a pile of neatly folded clothes. It was obvious that this had been on her mind for a while, but it was just bubbling up to the surface.

“I just can’t be here anymore. I just can’t do it. This was all just one bad idea, and I don’t belong here,” Autum repeated over and over as she walked around the room, a fist tugging at her bangs in frustration as she tried to focus on the task at hand.

“Nothing is going the way I planned,” she almost muttered to herself as she sank into the bed in defeat.

In a way, she was right. Things weren’t going the way Autum thought they would when she moved cross-country from a small town in South Carolina to Los Angeles. Even though she and her best friend had only intended to stay there for a summer to “see how things would go,” a part of Autum wanted to stay, wanted things to work out, wanted to have that Hollywood ending like in the movies. Though she’d never admit it to herself, that part also wanted things with James to work out.

James came to life when he saw the girl that he loved fall apart.

Pushing aside her suitcase, he took a seat beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her towards him. Without hesitation, she buried her head in his chest and clung to him for support. It was the first time he’d ever seen her that vulnerable, and while it made him feel amazing that she was finally opening up to him, he felt like it came at the wrong time, just when she was about to walk out of his life…

It was hard to believe that only the night before they’d been lying awake in her bed, gazing up at the ceiling and sharing stories from their high school days. Their laughter had seemed to flood the small apartment, the only other sound being her roommate’s occasional soft snore coming from the next room. As they talked, James felt like he was seeing a different side of her, finally seeing her for who she really was instead of the front that she tried so desperately to put on for the world. Underneath the giggles and anecdotes, he knew that something was there, and he knew that she felt it too.

It hung in the air like static electricity, causing sparks to fly with every touch. James couldn’t handle the idea of losing that.

The rest of the afternoon seemed to drag on, neither one of them wanting to bring up the issue, constantly tiptoeing around the subject. There was no laughter, no tears, just silence, and the television seemed to numb all of the thoughts floating around in their heads.

That night, James slept in Autum’s bed again, but the carefree atmosphere they’d created the night before had vanished. In its place was tension and guilt.

He could feel her tracing letters and squiggles across his bare chest as he gazed up at the ceiling. He wanted this to last forever, but that seemed like something just out of his reach. Wrapping his arm around her, James trailed his fingers down her back as a million words sprang into his thoughts, a million different reasons for her to stay.

They were all words he couldn’t say.

“You know I care about you,” she whispered as she nestled her face into his neck, “but nothing here is working out. I’ve got no job, no idea of what I want to do with my life. I can’t just rely on you and Kandi forever.”

“I know.” He sighed as he ran his fingers through her short chocolate locks. Why did she have to leave now?

She lifted her head to look him in the eyes. The soft glow from the city below them made her brown eyes shimmer like fireflies. “We can still find a way to make this work,” she said softly, her fingers motioning in the space between them. “I mean, it would be worth a shot, right?”

In the dark, he wasn’t sure if she could see his slow nod. She was talking, but she wasn’t saying anything. She was just saying things to make him feel better, but James knew better than to put any faith into her empty promises.

The next morning, as the sun just began to peek over the horizon, James watched as Autum packed the rest of her things. It amazed him how an entire summer could be packed into one suitcase so easily, how she could put so many memories away without saying a single word or shedding a single tear.

James rose up as she began to move towards the bedroom door, his legs slowly shifting towards the edge of the bed. When she noticed he was awake, she stopped, her fingers still clutching the handle of her suitcase.

A faint smile spread across her lips as she stared into his eyes. “I’ll text you when I get home, just to let you know I’m okay.”

At first, James couldn’t move, couldn’t get the words in his mind to form on his tongue, but as her steps crossed the barrier from the bedroom into the living room, he found himself chasing after her.

Before he knew it, the words were tumbling out of his mouth. “Autum, I love you.”

Autum hesitated at the front door, her fingers brushing over the brass knob. She stared at him for a moment, his honey eyes filled with desperation as he stood in the middle of the living room.

“I know.”