Just a Note

this note will lay upon my still chest

To whoever, whoever finds this, whoever cares,

I can't take this anymore. It's no one's fault - well, probably my fault, but still, some of it I couldn't help.

I sometimes wish this could end differently but there is no other way. I just need to get away from all of this, everything to do with my life. I can't stand it anymore. I'm too weak to deal with these things anymore. I have to find a way out.

It feels like I'm drowning. Some people have described it like being in a hole, dark and alone. I guess it felt like that at first - but now the hole is filling with water and I can't keep my head afloat.

I'm already dead. Not physically, but it won't be long before that happens. On the inside, there is nothing. No life, no happiness, nothing. If this is what it feels like to live, then why are so many people afraid of death? It's life that people should fear. Life can break you, crush you, shatter you.

No one can understand what it's like to be me. Stop judging me! You don't get it. You've never been hurt by someone you loved. Or maybe you have. I don't really know. If you have, I wish I had've asked you for advice on how to deal with it.

I have no one though. No one will listen. Maybe I'm not loud enough. But I don't want to get any louder - the wrong people might hear.

I'm not mental. Okay? Why can't you see that? I just need someone, anyone, to hold me as I cry, celebrate with me when I'm happy, listen to me when I need to talk.

Instead I get lonely nights, crying alone. I am rarely happy and I don't have anyone I trust enough to talk to.

Wait. I do. Did. Not many. And they're never around anymore. Right when I need them most, they disappear.

I have no reason to live.

Or do I? I don't know. The uncertainty is nearly worse than having no one to trust. I hate all these questions circling around in my head. So many that I know now are never going to be answered.

There are so many other things going through my head too. Things I want to say to people but I've never had the courage to actually say. Why are so many people's opinions never said? Because if they're voiced, they'll be punished. So basically these people keep their mouths shut in fear. One of these people is me.

Maybe if someone's opinions are destroyed so much, their life will be destroyed too. Do you even live if you don't have any thoughts on anything?

I do have opinions. They're just hidden so deep; no one will ever hear them - though they might read them in this letter. Sometimes I'm glad. At least if no one knows my thoughts, feelings and opinions then maybe I won't be punished, won't have my secrets spilled out messily to everyone.

But here I am, writing all these thoughts down. Maybe when I'm gone, people won't judge me so harshly. I won't have to put up with everyone giving me weird stares or coming up to me, asking questions, because I won't be there.

I don't want to cry but tears are pricking at the corners of my eyes now anyway. No one can see them. No one looks hard enough.

I can't take this anymore. I'm too tired. Too weak. By doing this no one will have to deal with my depression anymore.

Bye, Me

♠ ♠ ♠

I was just going through my old writing stuff, and I found this. It was one of the first one-shots I ever wrote. Kinda depressing...