Status: weekly updates :)
My Diary (if You Really Care to Know)
Depression
This week has been very....black. Just dark as hell. Today was really good, but the rest seems to all be just a blur; a huge, fat, ball of depression which keeps rolling over me everyday, only this week, it feels like it has actually flattened me into the ground. I don’t know how it started...well, actually, yes, I do. It started when a guy who used to be my close friend posted a link on fb saying that it would link you to the awesomest person on the planet. Deep inside I knew that whoever clicked upon this link would automatically see their own page, but I let my hopes get smashed like I normally do in believing that someone would actually say such a nice thing about me. Someone else clicked on it and told me that they got linked to their profile, and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach. It’s stupid as hell; especially since I knew all along that it was that kind of link, but I guess that little part of me inside that wants to believe I’m worth something to somebody else grabbed hold of my mind, and once again smashed my hopes into the ground. I was talking to my mom too, and she was talking about how horrible her job is and I was trying to tell her about how I felt but she wasn’t listening, or caring, for that matter. After that I just had this overwhelming sense of sadness.
I just have to say that I love mibba right now. It is there for me when no one else is, and I will always value it’s creators, and the people on it for offering me that kind of comfort. My friends......I just can’t talk to them. With my one friend, I always feel like when I try to talk to her about how I feel, she always turns it into a “Who’s Life Is More Fucked Up’ contest, instead of actually listening and trying to help me. I feel like I have no one, even though I know that this is not so true. But there is really only one person I can talk to, and she’s the school’s social worker. I never tell my friends anything anymore, and I always doubt at whether they really even like me at all. I don’t like me very much, so how can they? I actually wanted to commit suicide more than once in this one week. It felt like it would be so easy, you know? Pop a bottle of pills and it’s all over. No more sadness that I can never seem to get rid of, no more hating myself, no more everything. The first thing that would stop me was the thought of the people whom I know care about me, even though I find it hard to believe. It’s hard for me even to imagine people caring, but deep down inside I think I know a few of them do. My dad, my mom, my two uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my sister, my dog, my cat. I think those people love me. Even though I’m not even sure I believe in love anymore.
I used to think that it was unconditional, but the divorce rate will tell you otherwise. I used to think that to have friends was to have people whom you treat with respect, but really it’s not. In the end everyone is out for themselves. It’s sad and pathetic, but it is so true. Well, maybe that part isn’t so true. I know I would do anything to help my friends, but the question is, would they do that for me too...I kind of doubt it. It’s that doubt that has been keeping me down. I can’t sleep very well, my eating habits have changed, I don’t even want to eat anymore. Every bite feels like a brick sliding down my throat.
In light of the fact that I don’t want to sound like a huge whiny pants, I will say that today, for the most part, offered me a brief escape from my head. My friend, whom shall be known to you as bird, randomly invited me to hang out with her today, and we spent close to seven hours just walking around the city and going into shops and laughing our asses off doing random things. We also had these amazing gourmet cupcakes. She’s coming back over tomorrow night for a sleepover, so I’m starting to come out of my pit a tiny bit.
Hope you all are doing well :) Love and peace
-Wendy L.
I just have to say that I love mibba right now. It is there for me when no one else is, and I will always value it’s creators, and the people on it for offering me that kind of comfort. My friends......I just can’t talk to them. With my one friend, I always feel like when I try to talk to her about how I feel, she always turns it into a “Who’s Life Is More Fucked Up’ contest, instead of actually listening and trying to help me. I feel like I have no one, even though I know that this is not so true. But there is really only one person I can talk to, and she’s the school’s social worker. I never tell my friends anything anymore, and I always doubt at whether they really even like me at all. I don’t like me very much, so how can they? I actually wanted to commit suicide more than once in this one week. It felt like it would be so easy, you know? Pop a bottle of pills and it’s all over. No more sadness that I can never seem to get rid of, no more hating myself, no more everything. The first thing that would stop me was the thought of the people whom I know care about me, even though I find it hard to believe. It’s hard for me even to imagine people caring, but deep down inside I think I know a few of them do. My dad, my mom, my two uncles, my aunts, my cousins, my sister, my dog, my cat. I think those people love me. Even though I’m not even sure I believe in love anymore.
I used to think that it was unconditional, but the divorce rate will tell you otherwise. I used to think that to have friends was to have people whom you treat with respect, but really it’s not. In the end everyone is out for themselves. It’s sad and pathetic, but it is so true. Well, maybe that part isn’t so true. I know I would do anything to help my friends, but the question is, would they do that for me too...I kind of doubt it. It’s that doubt that has been keeping me down. I can’t sleep very well, my eating habits have changed, I don’t even want to eat anymore. Every bite feels like a brick sliding down my throat.
In light of the fact that I don’t want to sound like a huge whiny pants, I will say that today, for the most part, offered me a brief escape from my head. My friend, whom shall be known to you as bird, randomly invited me to hang out with her today, and we spent close to seven hours just walking around the city and going into shops and laughing our asses off doing random things. We also had these amazing gourmet cupcakes. She’s coming back over tomorrow night for a sleepover, so I’m starting to come out of my pit a tiny bit.
Hope you all are doing well :) Love and peace
-Wendy L.