My Diary (if You Really Care to Know)

I hate this. I hate waking up every day feeling like I have a huge weight on my shoulder. I hate it. I really fucking hate it. I hate feeling like no one gives a shit about me. I hate hating myself because it hurts me deep inside where no one knows what I put myself through on a day to day basis. I’m not worth it to anybody…I hate myself. Sometimes I want to get up and just stay in bed for hours and days and weeks, but I can’t. I wish I could be the A+ student that my parents deserve but whom they never force me to be. I wish I wasn’t so fat, pathetic, and stupid.

I can’t do anything rite. Every time I try I mess up. I’m always messing up. Sometimes I really want to die…sometimes I try to but then I think about what that would do to everyone else. The least I can do for them is live, even if I’m not that good at it. I hate the fact that I lose everything because I’m so stupid and absent minded. I hate the fact that my parents can’t boast anything about me because Im not talented, Im stupid, and I’m nowhere near as pretty or thin as my sister.. Even when I have makeup on I’m ugly. I hate the fact that I’m selfish because I’m always sad and hate myself.

I wish I could drown or continually bash myself in the head until I bleed to death but I can’t; I’m trapped here forever. I hate how when I look at the scale or in the mirror or on my power school grades I am never looking at what I want to see, yet no matter how much I try to make it better I’m only setting myself up for another let down. No one can save me. I’m stuck like this forever.