Status: weekly updates :)
My Diary (if You Really Care to Know)
Of Cuts and Sadness
Today I hit a new low in my depression. It was the lowest I have been in years, if I have ever even felt like that before now. I got home from school feeling so sad. I hated myself. It was so bad that I actually could feel myself losing it. I wanted so bad to cut myself. I finally did, and I felt relief. I had to get a hammer and smash a small mirror to have something the cut with, but it all worked out. I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me that this is not the way to go and that there are other options. The thing is, I agree with you. I agree with you completely, but this is one of my only ways of coping.
There is just so much going on. The only people I ever confide in are the school social worker, my therapist, and on occasion my mom. My friends don’t give a rat’s ass about me, and no one else that I know would understand what I am going through...I hate constantly going through all these ups and downs. I never say the word hate because I think it is too strong a word t use in almost any context, but there is no other word to describe how I feel about my constant emotional problems. I mean, usually I am in what I call ‘the in between’: not exactly happy per say...but Average, which is good enough most of the time. I mean average meaning that I am still sad, but I can generally put it on the back burner and concentrate on other things to the point where I can forget about it for a while. No matter what though, you can always count on life to bring you back to stinky, shit fucked reality. When I got home today I wanted to do nothing; I was a mixture of broken hearted sadness, anger, and self-hatred, so I went up to my room with a hammer, smashed my cheap little pocket mirror, and used it’s shards to cut myself. I cut three times, but I had to keep going over them until I finally drew blood. I always stop when I begin to draw blood; It’s enough to satisfy me, and the mark will go away after a few months or so.
After that I just sort of laid in my bed, thinking about my friends and how much they probably secretly hate me. How much people don’t want me, how worthless I am, how stupid I am, how fat I am. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t; I wanted to scream and shout until my lungs collapsed, I wanted to throw things, I wanted to do something, anything to get rid of all the horrible feelings inside my body, but I couldn’t do any of them. Even though I wanted to very badly, I couldn’t.
So that’s what happened. I needed to vent a little to you guys, even though I know that most likely you will care about just as much as everyone else, which is not at all.
There is just so much going on. The only people I ever confide in are the school social worker, my therapist, and on occasion my mom. My friends don’t give a rat’s ass about me, and no one else that I know would understand what I am going through...I hate constantly going through all these ups and downs. I never say the word hate because I think it is too strong a word t use in almost any context, but there is no other word to describe how I feel about my constant emotional problems. I mean, usually I am in what I call ‘the in between’: not exactly happy per say...but Average, which is good enough most of the time. I mean average meaning that I am still sad, but I can generally put it on the back burner and concentrate on other things to the point where I can forget about it for a while. No matter what though, you can always count on life to bring you back to stinky, shit fucked reality. When I got home today I wanted to do nothing; I was a mixture of broken hearted sadness, anger, and self-hatred, so I went up to my room with a hammer, smashed my cheap little pocket mirror, and used it’s shards to cut myself. I cut three times, but I had to keep going over them until I finally drew blood. I always stop when I begin to draw blood; It’s enough to satisfy me, and the mark will go away after a few months or so.
After that I just sort of laid in my bed, thinking about my friends and how much they probably secretly hate me. How much people don’t want me, how worthless I am, how stupid I am, how fat I am. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t; I wanted to scream and shout until my lungs collapsed, I wanted to throw things, I wanted to do something, anything to get rid of all the horrible feelings inside my body, but I couldn’t do any of them. Even though I wanted to very badly, I couldn’t.
So that’s what happened. I needed to vent a little to you guys, even though I know that most likely you will care about just as much as everyone else, which is not at all.
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry that I am such a downer to you all! I feel like every time I post I am always sad and/or depressed. Maybe it's because those are the times when I need you guys most, I don't know. I hope to be more uplifting in future chapters!