In The Morning And Amazing

*Mikey POV*

“Oh Mikey, what have you done?” I was curled up in a tight ball when Gerard came in and disturbed me. I was twisted with grief and I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to be numb.

“Mikey, there’s enough pain in loss to bring down mountains – to crush whole planets and if the pain turns to revenge it can tear you apart. Don’t let Frank tear you apart and don’t you dare tear apart Bert with your revenge. He’s a nice kid and he deserves better than that.”

“Bert?” What was Gerard on about?

“He loves you Mikey. You just gave him hope and then tore him apart. Don’t be a fool Mikey, how could you not know?” I felt my first glimpse of an emotion since I broke down. I sat up and faced him, anger pumping through my arteries.

“What’s your fucking problem Gerard? It’s none of your fucking business okay? You waltz back into our lives and tell us what to do and how to be. Truthful eh? When was the last time you told me what you did that year you hardly came home? Why don’t you tell people about how you eat, or lack of? When did you last mention the clinic that tipped our lives upside down 3 years ago? What gives you the fucking right to tell me how to live and treat people when you all do is follow your own rules and care only about yourself? Have you ever been in love Gerard? No, that’s impossible. How you care enough about someone else to be in love. Fuck off Gerard. You have no idea about my loss, my pain, my revenge. You have no idea how torn apart I really am.” I was shaking at this point. Livid with anger and disbelief at what Gerard was doing. He knew nothing about what had happened between Bert and I. He didn’t know that I regretted every second that I had spent with Frank because it had only made me love him more. He couldn’t fathom how sorry I was about how I had treated Bert and how much I wanted to apologize but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

“I forgive you Mikey.” I punched him then. How dare he know? Life is so much easier when people don’t understand. You can pretend that no-one cares and so you stop caring about yourself. Suddenly I understood why Gerard never talked about himself. He thought no-one could understand him so he stopped caring. That was why he knew I just wanted to be forgiven. He understood that I didn’t want to care. And I hated him for that. It was so unfair that he could let no-one care about him but when I wanted to be numb he wouldn’t let me.

Once Gerard gathered himself I punched him again, in the face. I fell over from the shift of weight. Gerard and I were sprawled on the floor rolling around as I tried to continue the fight with him trying to stop me. He had me pinned and I started laughing again. I was in hysterics.

“Mikey, for fucks sake stop laughing! Please? Stop crying for me, for your brother, for your Gee?” I looked up and I saw he was crying. Then I noticed I was too. The tears were rolling down my checks and I stopped laughing. Gerard had blood pouring from his noise and I silently hoped I hadn’t broken it.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I whispered. All my emotions deflated back to numbness. I was roughly yanked up by Gerard so we were facing each other.

“Don’t you dare resign yourself to defeat Mikey. I care for you too much to allow that.”

Then I was crying on his shoulder, shaking from the emotional struggle my body had just endured. Gerard wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on mine. His blood dripping into my hair mixing with his tears and my sweat. I’m not sure how long we stood there, two boys torn down and defeated from life. The embrace allowing them to lend each other courage so they could begin building themselves back up together.