Last Days Alive

The black hearse slowly rolled across the yard, a procession of grim faces following. Each dark garment was embellished with a hint of blue- his favourite colour. I clenched my pearls more tightly in my hand as we marched. It was the only reminder I had of him and our time together. Wanting to look anywhere else but the cold stones surrounding us, I cast my umber eyes towards the sky.

The dull grey clouds moved as slowly as we did, creeping across the heavens like a blanket slowing being pulled over our mourning eyes. The cold wind ruffled the hem of my lace skirt playfully, and I gasped, a summer memory returning to the front of my mind. Us, laughing, running on a soft, sandy beach with the orange-yellow sun setting as we entangled ourselves in each other’s embrace. We kiss, we hug, we share our thoughts, we love.

My mother pulled me down onto a hard metal chair placed in towards the mahogany casket. I stared at the assembling people, their faces a similar expression to mine- pale and sombre. I held onto my mother as tightly as I could with my free hand, lightly mumbling to comfort myself from the guilt. Ever since the day at the hospital, I haven’t been able to say his name. Every time I try, a jumble of emotions gets caught in my throat, making me burst into tears. It’s been a week now. How am I supposed to remember the good times if I can’t say his name? Let alone think it?

As the priest begins the small service, a drizzle of rain pours from the sky, but none of us seem to care. The sermon is short and sweet, but by the end of it all of us are reduced to tears. As the casket is lowered into the ground, his sister, Hayley, sings a mournful hymn, her voice full of grief. Finally, as the hard earth is shovelled back into the ground, the audience divides; everyone going their separate ways, nobody looking back. But I stayed. I stayed for him.

I watched from a distance as his parents said their final goodbyes- each laying a violet flower on his grave. Bowing my head respectfully as they passed, I made my way towards the memorial, cautious.
“Kyle,” I said, wincing. His name burned in my throat.
“I didn’t…. I didn’t mean…. what I said to you. You know I love you.” I cleared my throat- embarrassed.
“I have always loved you, ever since you dropped your ice-cream in the park when we were five…” gave one, short laugh, sinking to the ground. “ I used my money to buy you a new one. I even remember what flavour. How lame is that?”

I sighed, my finger finding the dewy grass, pulling out clumps of it in frustration.
“Now strawberry is my favourite flavour. Well, I actually hated it, but I told you I loved it because, well…” I blushed, my eyes rising to the picture of Kyle leant against the gravestone.
“Well, because you did. I know it’s stupid, but now that you’re…gone, it’s something that I can look back to, and smile about. You can understand that, right?”
I stared half-expectant at his grave. Huh. Like I was going to get an answer.

“I.. I wanted to leave you this,” I pulled a small, fluffy brown teddy from my bag. Two halves of a heart was stitched onto its chest, which I had done myself. I carefully placed the seemingly meaningless trinket on the damp grass, propping it against the tombstone. Tears threatened to make their way to the surface, but I pushed them back painfully. I sighed, closing my tired eyes.
Colourful memories began to dance behind my lids, each one of Kyle and myself, each one precious.

“I love you,” The boy said, his face burning scarlet. “I always have. I didn’t want to say anything, because I thought you might reject me and that would be so embarrassing and probably ruin…” The boy couldn’t finish his sentence, for the girl had leant into him, smiling, hesitant. Lightly, she pressed her lips to his for the first time, and she felt electric. The little hairs stood on her arms, her cheeks flushed a cherry blossom pink from the pure elation and love at this moment. They were young, but in love.

My eyelids fluttered open. The bright, happy memory was gone, only to be replaced with the heart-wrenching reminder of the present.
I sighed.
“Michaela,” My Mom came up behind me, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“We have to go now, honey. Kyle’s gone. You need to accept that.”
I sniffled, silent tears sliding down my face.
“Kay,” I whispered. “Let’s go.”

I got up off the hard ground, turning away from the grave, from my past.
Slowly, my mother guided me through the graveyard, the night creeping across the sky behind us. I let my eyes wander, trying to avoid the concerned gaze of my Mom. I was drawn to a dark, shadowed figure, standing by the bare oak trees. He was clad in a stunningly exquisite suit, with a small corsage of blue wildflowers. His hair was a rich hazelnut colour, a shade or two darker than Kyle’s. The stranger’s piercing blue eyes sprang through the semi-darkness, staring. Staring at me.

We locked eyes for a fraction of a moment, when it struck me- this was Kyle’s brother, Josh. I had known him as long as I had Kyle. How could I not have known? He stalked past us, his gaze now directed towards Kyle’s grave. I ducked my head as he passed, but he ignored me anyway, his eyes to the ground. I watched after him, curious. Why was he not at the service? My Mom tugged on my arm, pulling me to the car.

“Hurry up, Michaela. We need to go. I’ve got an address for the… the house-mourning I guess, but I can’t make sense of the hand-writing…” she babbled on as we got into the car, but I wasn’t listening. My mind was going into overload- emotions filling my head, clogging up my throat. I hadn’t seen Josh in a while, but I knew he never acted like that- around anyone. Why had he changed? What had made him change?