Last Days Alive

That first week was hell.
The absence of Kyle had created a hole of despair and melancholy in my heart, leaving it bare, broken. It was hard to believe that I was alone.
That Monday after the funeral, I point-blank refused to go to school. I mean, how could I? I knew that if I stepped one foot into that school, everyone would stare at me like I was some kind of freakshow. Like I needed that?

It was Friday. All week I had hidden behind my grief- not bearing to face the outside world. I lay on my bed, the small gap between the windowsill and the blind revealing a dull, grim sky beyond. The grey light shone through the split, adding to the depressed vibe the room gave out. What I gave out.
The room was fairly big, but not too big to suggest that I might be remotely rich. The walls were painted sky blue, with smooth, white wooden floors to match. A tiny single bed lay in the middle of the room, always unmade.

I sat there now, phone in hand, debating whether or not I should call my friends. Should I call them? Do they miss me? No. I needed to stop this.
I couldn’t go back to normal life yet. Without Kyle, I didn’t know how to handle everyday life alone. Since we were five, we had always been inseparable; always playing, always laughing, and always together.
Tears made an attempt to crawl up my throat, but I refused to let myself cry again.

Kyle wouldn’t want me to be this weak.
I had to live for both of us now- a life he would be proud of until we met again; spending an eternity of glorious, golden love in each other’s arms. But that would have to wait.

My phone bleeped softly in my palm, alerting me of a text. I pressed read.

“Hey Mick.
I know you’re upset, so I have a little pick me up idea for you.
Nightclub? You, me and Jer. Txt me back, k?”

Upset? I laughed darkly. That didn’t even begin to cover it. I chucked the phone onto my desk, pursing my lips. I wanted to go out… needed to go out. But was I ready? I knew that Cassie and Jerry would be there if it became too much…
So, what’s the risk? If I needed a night out, then why not? There was nothing stopping me. Except for the restraining wall of grief. But tonight would be forgetting all about that. It would be fun. Relaxing. I grabbed the phone back, dialling Cassie’s number.
“Hey Cass?” I genuine grin spreading across my face. “We still on for tonight?”



Regretful thoughts swam in my mind as I slid on my short, frilly black dress. It fell in mesh-like waves around my mid-thigh, emphasizing my long legs. I pulled the top of the strapless dress upwards over my cleavage, annoyed as the hem started to ride up my legs. I sighed.
The doorbell chimed lightly. I gave up on fixing my dress, slipping on my heels and clomping to the door. I opened it cautiously.
“Babes!”
Oh, god.
I was engulfed in a mini Cassie-whirlwind. She wrapped her delicate arms around me, squealing in delight.
“Uh, hey Cassie.” I said, trying to wriggle out of her bone-crushing hug. She refused to let me go, awkwardly swaying from side to side.
“Um.”
“I can’t believe what you’ve gone through, babes!” She finally let me go of me, pouting her red stained lips.

My eyes tightened. I tried to distract myself from the pain by analysing Cassie. Her short, podgy stature hugged a multicoloured mini dress, one that was supposed to be a t-shirt but she wore it as a dress anyway. Her thick brown-dyed-blonde hair was up in a slick bun, sassy earrings hanging from her small ears. A splattering of freckles were streaked across her high cheek bones.
She looked gorgeous.

“So,” I said, rocking back on my heels. “Shall we go?” Cassie grabbed my hand excitedly, leading me out eh door. She blabbered about some place I didn’t know and how fantastic it is. I was beginning to doubt my decision to go out.

The club wasn’t all bad. Although it was a small building, with lots of people crowded into the small tent of a room, the atmosphere was… nice, I suppose. Only a handful of people were dancing in a corner; their hair whipping back and forth according to the song. Mingle-y people were scattered around the room, obvious from the way their eyes searched around in desperation for another to talk with. I averted my eyes from the loved-up couples, instead I headed for the bar, ordering a large Gin and Tonic.

As I waited for Cassie to park the car, I eyed Jerry from across the room. He hadn’t noticed me yet- only having eyes for the pretty blonde swishing her golden hair in front of him. He was making her laugh. I smiled. His geeky-chic always attracted the ladies. Jerry’s eyes wandered, spying me at the bar. I waved half-heartedly. He lightly touched the blonde’s shoulder, sliding through the crowd of bodies to reach me.

“Hey, Mickey,” he said, hugging me.
“How’s it going?” I yelled, the music drowning out my voice.
“I’m okay,” He shouted back. “Main question is, how’re you?”
I shrugged, not sure whether or not I should tell Jerry how crappy I felt right now. I played with the lime on my glass absentmindedly.
He frowned.
“Hey Jer!!”
Cassie appeared from nowhere, a huge grin planted on her face.

She held her arms out for a hug. I stood there awkwardly, watching Cassie. Her body seemed to change around Jer. Her shoulders relaxed her posture less straight. Her face brightened as they hugged, her baby-blue eyes twinkling.
I downed my drink, revelling as the liquor burned my throat pleasantly.

Maybe she was in love with him. I grimaced, turning to the bar. Cassie’s relationships always ended in two ways; snot-tears being shed about the boy who dumped her after two weeks, and even though their time was short it was special- and the less dramatic one, when she couldn’t give a crap about his feelings after she dumped him. It was annoying, but after a while you get used to it.

Maybe it wouldn’t be like that with Jerry, if she did go for him. I smiled. It was nice to think of something happy for a change. I heard an attempt at conversation pass between them, but I ignored their efforts to include me, downing another drink. And another. And another. Until I forgot. The numbness would help- for at least one night, anyway. I was allowed that, wasn’t I? Just one night of happiness.

As I drank, the setting around me changed. The dancers moved in slow motion, their hair spinning vortex-like around their laughing faces. The music had changed too- the thumping base replacing the rest of the instruments the speaker threw out. The wood seemed smoother than before. I ran my hand along the panelling, liking the feeling under my palm. I giggled drowsily.

The dance-floor had progressively become more packed- it now seemed as though hundreds of us were swaying unison to the music. The strobe lights flashed crazily, changing colour and illuminating the sweaty faces of drunken adolescents. I manoeuvred across the floor, dancing. It was a great feeling- like I could be anyone, do anything.

Forget.

Suddenly, a crash of glass shocked me into soberness.
“Bitch!”
I watched cautiously as the scene unfolded, unable to take my eyes off the wrestling girls by the bar. Nails clawed at faces, extensions were pulled, dresses were torn. A crowd had gathered, jeering on the rabid fighters. I caught a glimpse of one of their faces- their teeth bared in aggression. I was shocked.
Cassie!
Crap! Crap, crap, crap!!

I shoved through the crowd, ignoring the snide comments from the frat-boys watching the cat fight. I broke through to the fighting area, startled.
Cassie and the other girl were locked in each others arms, trying to wrestle the other one to the floor. They staggered in my direction, grimacing.
“Cassie!” I yelled, rushing forward to break them apart. Cassie snarled, tugging on her opponent’s hair. The girl aimed a kick at Cassie’s shins, but she dodged, tripping her up. She fell to the floor hard, wincing as her spine cracked against the cement. The girl glared, blowing her black hair from her face, launching herself at Cassie.

They became entangled in a fearsome lock again.
I strode forward, defiant. I shoved my arms between them, attempting to pry the fighters apart. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to work.
“Back off!” Cassie yelled, turning her face angrily at me.
The unknown girl took this as an opportunity to not hit Cassie- but me.

She gave one sharp, painful head-butt to my forehead. My world rocked.
I crashed to the ground, my vision temporarily fizzled.
I heard the voices of the security guards as they escorted Cassie and the vicious girl from the club. My eyes slowly opened, but bright colourful lights dotted my vision. I squeezed them shut again, moaning.
Somebody walked up, placing a light hand on my arm.
“Go away,” I groaned.
“Are you okay?”
My eyes sprang open at his voice, shocked.

“Josh?”
He was leaning casually over me, like I wasn’t just lying on the floor, probably with a massive bruise on my forehead.
“Yep. And you better get up before they jump to conclusions and assume you need to go hospital. I doubt your Mom wants you to come home in an ambulance with a great big bandage on your head.”
I smiled crookedly, grabbing his hand. As he lifted me up, I noticed the group f jeerer’s had moved away into little groups- whispering excitedly about the fight.

Jeez, it’s like they hadn’t seen a fight before.

“Uh, thanks,” I said wiping myself down. “What are you doing here anyway?” I asked, curious.
He waved his hand at me, not meeting my eyes.
“Same reason you did. To forget...”
The end of the sentence hung in the air between us, known but unspoken. Tentatively, I raised my arms out to Josh. His eyes widened in shock. He stared at my arms, as if willing me to put them down.
I flushed red, embarrassed as I began to lower them again- but Josh stopped me.

He grabbed my hand, pulling me closer, until I was pressed against his chest. I stared into his eyes, so much like Kyle’s, yet still so unique. He stared back, my hand still clasped in his. Slowly, he laid his head on my shoulder. I gasped.
Another flashback.

Kyle holding me like I held Josh now, rocking me gently as soft sobs escaped from my mouth. That was the year my Grandmother died. He comforted me, told me it was going to be okay. He held me all night, even when I fell asleep.
Faithfull. Loyal.
And here I was, chest to chest together with his brother.
I couldn’t do this. Not to Kyle.
I pulled away abruptly, not bearing to look in Josh’s eyes.

“I should probably get home. School and all that tomorrow.” I mumbled. School? What a lame excuse, Michaela. Well done.
Josh ruffled his hair, sheepish.
“Sure, sure. I should go too. Getting late.” He sighed. “See you later.”
He smiled, gliding past me. The door banged loudly as he left.
“See you.” I echoed.

It was quiet. Everyone had left the club. I was alone. Again.