Listen to the Thunder

Spring Break so far had been great. There were only a couple of days left until I’d have to travel back to California, and I was determined to make the most of those days hanging out with Caleb, Rian, Zack, Pat and Alex. Tonight though I’m having dinner with my mom, just the two of us, because I haven’t done that since I was in, like, Freshman year. Hopefully it’ll be a good evening.

Unfortunately, just as we were finishing dessert, I learnt that I was wrong.

“You miss him, don’t you?” my mom said softly.

“Miss who?” I frowned.

“Kyle,”

I swallowed heavily at the sound of his name and bowed my head to look at my food. Why did she have to bring him up? Why?!

“I’m with Alex now,” I said as calmly as I could.

“That’s not what I asked, Jack. It’s okay to miss Kyle. I can see it in your eyes. They’re not as vibrant as they used to be when you were with Kyle,” my mom said sadly.

“Yeah, well, maybe if Kyle hadn’t broken my heart by cheating on me three times, then maybe I wouldn’t miss him. Maybe mine and Alex’s relationship wouldn’t be held together by a thread. Maybe I wouldn’t feel a great fucking surge of heartbreak every time I see him around campus. But it’s too fucking late for that,”

“Jack, I…”

“What, mom?” I knew I was out of line for talking to her like this, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was like floodgates had been opened. “What? You’ll make it better? Everything will be okay? Well it fucking won’t! I will never have Kyle back, not as a lover or a friend. Alex made me choose between him and Kyle. Yeah, Alex made me choose. I have to cut Kyle out of my life or I’ll lose Alex, and if I lose Alex I’ll have no-one. I fucking love Kyle, and it’s killing me not being with him. So excuse me for not wanting to admit that I miss him,”

“Oh Jack,” my mom whispered.

As soon as I started sobbing she walked around the table and wrapped her arms around me. This only made me cry harder, leaning my full weight on her, so much so that we both fell to the floor. My mom didn’t loosen her hug though, which I was grateful for, just letting me cry into her shoulder until I couldn’t cry any more.

“Why does it hurt so much, mom? I hate it. I hate it so much,” I whimpered, attempting to dry my cheeks with my shaky hands.

“I don’t know, Jack. Love hurts everyone, one way or another. You’ve just got to decide what’s best for you, not anyone else. It’s your heart you’ve got to protect,” my mom said softly, brushing my fringe out of my eyes.

I just nodded miserably. Why…Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I have a normal relationship? I need…I need Alex. I need Alex’s arms around me, telling me everything’s alright, soothing me in only the way that he can.

“C-Can I go, mom? Please?” I begged, my voice cracking.

My mom sighed but nodded. “Yeah. Let me know where you are when you get there,”

I sniffed and hiccupped, grabbing my cellphone off the table as well as an old Blink182 hoodie, before leaving the house. As soon as I was walking down the path, I called Alex. Huh. No answer. I tried again. Still no answer. What the fuck? Alex always answers his phone. So I tried Rian instead.

Rian: Jello Jack! What’s up?
Jack: Uhm, do you know where Alex is?
Rian: Yeah, we’re all over at my place. Why?
Jack: Oh, well he wasn’t answering his phone. Is it okay if I come over?
Rian: Of course it is! Are you okay?
Jack: I just really need Alex. I’ll be there soon.

I closed my phone before Rian could ask any more questions, starting to walk a little faster to get to Rian’s faster. Right now I don’t care that Alex isn’t answering his phone. I just need to see him.

15 minutes later I knocked on Rian’s front door, forcing a smile onto my face as Rian’s mom opened the front door.

“Hi Jack! I’m just on my way out but the boys are in Rian’s room,” she said warmly.

“Thanks,” I nodded, walking past her.

After quickly texting my mom my whereabouts, I headed up the stairs, opening Rian’s door when I reached it, my forced smile slipping when I only saw Zack, Pat and Rian.

“Don’t look so happy to see us!” Zack teased.

“It’s not that, I promise,” I sighed.

“What’s wrong, Jack? You sounded rough on the phone,” Rian smiled.

I sighed again. “My mom brought Kyle up in conversation and I basically broke down in tears and started yelling at her. It hurts so much without him and I wanted to see Alex to make sure I wasn’t going crazy,”

“Oh Jack,” Pat said sadly.

I leant into him as he hugged me, ignoring Zack and Rian’s sympathetic glances. I don’t need this right now. I just need Alex.

“Where is Alex?” Zack frowned.

“He went downstairs to get a drink with Caleb a little while ago,” Rian frowned too.

“Do you want to come and get a drink, Jack?” Pat asked softly, stroking my fringe.

For some reason, all four of us ended up walking down Rian’s stairs towards the kitchen. I wasn’t paying too much attention as I walked into the room, but when I did look up, I froze. A-Alex and C-Caleb? Oh my God. O-Oh my God.

“What the fuck?!” Rian said angrily.

I broke out of my shock, tears immediately pouring down my cheeks, even more so when Alex broke away from Caleb’s lips, his cheeks flushed and his eyes wide. Caleb’s expression was exactly the same.

“J-Jack, it’s not what it looks like,” Alex begged.

I just shook my head, whimpering. Why? Why?! I closed my eyes, blocking out everything as Rian and Zack started shouting at Alex and Caleb, but all I could see in my mind was Alex and Caleb kissing. Alex’s fingers tugging gently at the ends of Caleb’s hair. Caleb’s fingers grasping tightly onto Alex’s t-shirt. Their lips moulded together in a way that looked perfect. Like they were meant to be kissing. Why? Why does this always fucking happen to me?!

“STOP!” I shrieked, clutching my hands over my ears.

The shouting immediately stopped, Zack’s hands immediately going to my hips to hold me upright. It’s a good thing he did hold me, because I felt so faint that I could barely hold myself up.

“Jack please, let me explain,” Alex begged.

“Explain what? That we all walked in on you kissing Caleb? That instead of holding me in your arms like I really need you to right now, you were wrapped in Caleb’s? How could you do this to me? You know how this affects me,” I said sadly, wrapping my arms around my own torso.

“It wasn’t like that! Caleb wanted his first kiss from a boy to be from someone he trusted, and he trusts me! I was going to call you to talk about it before I did anything but I couldn’t find my phone. It’s completely innocent, I swear,” Alex pleaded, his eyes wet with tears.

I just shook my head and pushed my way through my friends, away from Alex. I-I can’t believe he did this to me! Innocent or not, he still kissed someone that wasn’t me. I barely made it out the front door before my legs collapsed from underneath me and I landed on my ass. This only made me cry harder and I just curled up in a ball on the front porch, not wanting to move anymore. This is so fucked up. Why can’t I find someone that won’t cheat on me? Is it that much to ask?

It didn’t take long for someone to sit down next to me, but I immediately froze as I realised who it was when he pulled my shaking body into his lap.

“Go ‘way Lex,” I muttered, squeezing my stinging eyes shut.

“N-No, Jacky. I love you and I’m not letting you go like this,” Alex whimpered, closing his arms around me.

“Then why did you kiss Caleb, huh? Why did you cheat on me?!” I hissed.

“Caleb is so scared about being bisexual, and it hurt me so much when we were talking earlier and he was confessing all his fears. He’s so fucking scared, Jack. All I was trying to do was ease those fears. I don’t want him, not as any more than a friend. I don’t want to sleep with him and I don’t love him like I love you. I’m sorry if what you walked in on looked worse than it was, but I’m telling you the truth, I swear,” Alex choked.

I looked up at him, really looked at the broken mess he’d been reduced to. I don’t want to believe him, but I know when Alex is lying. And he’s not lying right now.

“D-Don’t do this to me, Lex. I only came over here tonight because my mom brought up Kyle at dinner and I broke down in front of her. I needed you to hold me and tell me everything would be alright, but instead you were holding Caleb. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Kyle cheated on me with someone I didn’t know, but I’ve lived next door to Caleb since I was 6!” I exasperated.

“I’m not Kyle, Jack. I’m not a natural cheater and I would never hurt you like that. I was only giving Caleb a first kiss from someone he could trust not to destroy him. I would never leave you for him. I know you probably don’t believe me, but I’m really sorry I’ve hurt you like this. I love you,” Alex said softly.

I didn’t know what to do. What Kyle did to me was so fucking bad and the only person I can really trust is Alex. Can I trust him not to do this again? Can I trust him not to fuck me over like Kyle did?

“Please, Jacky,” Alex whispered.

There’s only one thing I really can do. “Okay,” I said simply, wiping my face dry.

“Do you really mean that?” Alex asked hopefully.

“Yeah. But I’m only giving you one more chance. Please don’t hurt me, Alex,” I said nervously.

“I won’t, I promise. Fuck Jack, I swear you won’t regret this decision,” Alex breathed, hugging me tightly to his chest.

Something’s telling me I already do.