Listen to the Thunder

It’s been two days since Kyle moved into his new dorm on our floor. Alex, Matt, Danny and I helped Kyle finish unpacking after Zack, Pat, Caleb and Rian left, the 4 of us having pizza and beer with Kyle and his new dorm mate afterwards. Kyle seemed relieved, although he was very quiet. I just hope it was nerves. I just hope he isn’t slipping into something depressive again. I haven’t heard from him since we left his dorm that night, and I’m a little worried. Who wouldn’t be after all Kyle’s been through lately? I just hope this all works out. After all, I did only just get Kyle back into my life. I can’t lose him again.

Today I’d just come back from getting coffee with a few people from Theory Lab (Alex had a paper due that he didn’t finish so he’s in the library for the afternoon), and I’m in a great mood. It’s nearly the end of my first year in college, Kyle is out of danger and Alex gave me amazing head this morning. What could possibly go wrong on a day as good as this?!

I reached the corridor where we all lived and noticed Kyle’s new dorm mate Christopher Drew walking down the hall in my direction. Perfect! Time for an update!

“Hey, Chris,” I beamed, bouncing up to the shy boy.

“H-Hey Jack,” he stammered, smiling nervously.

“Aww don’t be so shy! I was just wondering how Kyle is settling in. We haven’t heard from him since we finished helping him unpack,” I said.

Chris smiled weakly, wringing his hands together.

“He won’t talk much. I mean, I’ve tried, but there’s such an underlying sadness that I can’t break through. It probably doesn’t help that we barely know each other, but still. He’s not good, Jack. I’m sorry,”

My good mood immediately vanished. Kyle…isn’t good?

“Oh, um, is he…y’know…harming?” I asked awkwardly.

Chris’s eyes widened and he shook his head. Alex and I decided it would be best to tell Kyle’s new roommate exactly what happened for Kyle to end up in hospital and everything that’s been plaguing him. Drugs, abuse and cutting. I needed someone else to look out for Kyle as well, y’know? An extra set of eyes and ears.

“No, not as far as I can tell. He hasn’t been wearing long sleeves any time that I’ve seen him, so I would’ve noticed,” Chris told me.

I breathed a sigh of relief. At least he’s not cutting again. But why is he so sad?

“I just…I wish I knew how to make him happy again,” I said sadly.

Chris stayed silent for a few seconds, before looking down at his feet.

“He cries out for you in his sleep. Not sexually, but in fear. As if he’s going to lose you. I never say anything to him about it, but I know what I hear,” Chris murmured.

My breath hitched in my throat, tears pricking at my eyes. Kyle really does that?

Chris finally looked up at me, smiling weakly. “I think we both know what would really make Kyle happy again. You and Gaskarth are good together, everyone knows that. It’s just a shame that it hurts Kyle to be true. I’m not suggesting that you do anything to change your lifestyle. Hell, you’ve already gotten Kyle out of the hell he was in. I just think you should think over all your choices,”

I sniffed and tried to blink away the tears in my eyes. Fuck it.

“Fuck, you barely know me and you’re making me upset,” I accused playfully.

“I’m just saying it how I see it. Kyle’s sad, you’re awkward and Alex is oblivious. Just do what’s right,” Chris shrugged.

With that, he walked away. It’s kind of refreshing to see someone completely on Kyle’s side, but that doesn’t make it any easier on me. What the fuck am I meant to do now, knowing that Kyle is still deteriorating?

“Uh, Jack? Are you coming in?”

I snapped out of my thoughts, turning to face Matt who was standing in our dorm doorway.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Sidetracked,” I mumbled, walking past him.

“Don’t even think about disappearing into your room, Barakat. You’re two blinks away from crying. What happened? Did you and Alex fight again?” Matt frowned.

I laughed pathetically and shook my head. As if it was as simple as that.

“No, Alex and I are fine. I just talked to Christopher Drew, that’s all,” I replied.

“Kyle’s new dorm mate? Is everything okay?” Matt asked, concerned.

I sat down on the sofa and told him everything. How Kyle isn’t really talking. How Kyle is sad all the time. How Kyle cries out for me in his sleep. How the obvious solution to making Kyle happy is impossible to achieve without hurting Alex. Matt sat next to me in silence until I’d finished. I wasn’t holding back my tears anymore, just letting them stream down my cheeks. He stayed silent after I’d stopped talking, only making me feel worse.

“You know what you have to do, right?” Matt eventually said, looking directly at me.

“No, I don’t know,” I whined, hugging me knees to my chest.

Matt smiled weakly at me. “You have to choose between Kyle and Alex for real. Not for them, for you. You’ve got to make a final decision so everything can be made right again. Or they’ll both end up hurt in the end,”

My jaw dropped slightly. H-How can he say that?

“You know I can’t choose like that,” I whimpered.

“You have to. Dude, you know how good friends Alex and I are, I would be rooting for him on a normal day. But I’m not rooting for anyone because I know that you love Kyle just as much as – if not more than – you love Alex. You need to let your heart decide once and for all, or all three of you will end up miserable. I don’t want anyone getting hurt, especially not you or Alex, and after all Kyle’s been through with Santino he doesn’t deserve to get any more hurt,” Matt said firmly.

Tears started running down my cheeks all over again. I can’t do this! I can’t do what he says! It isn’t fair! Although it is the right thing to do, and didn’t Chris tell me to do the right thing?

“Just decide, Jack. No-one will think any differently of you for doing the right thing,” Matt said softly.

There it is again. The right thing. Matt walked away from me and into his room, leaving me alone with my tears and my thoughts. How can I do the right thing if I don’t even know what the right choice is?