Explain to Me

He's looking at me again. He's standing in front me most of the times, but when he suddenly turns around to walk back towards Bob or Mikey or just to prance around the stage, I catch him staring. Sometimes, he'll look away quickly and pretend he wasn't looking at me but that his eyes simply passed me. Other times, he'll look me in the eye for a split second – let me see his stare – before one of us breaks eye contact.

I still have no idea why he does it. I don't understand him anymore. He used to tell me so many things – maybe not everything, but almost, I'm sure – but he was the one who chose to end things, so I don't understand him when he gives me those stares. It's like he wants me to do something about them. Like he wants me to drop the mic, ignore the crowd and ask him if he's okay and force him to talk to me like he used to do all by himself.

But I wasn't the one who ended it.

At first, I had no idea what I went in to. He started hitting on me, and I let him. I subconsciously hit on him too, so one thing naturally led to another and we wounded up together. At first, I thought it could be something serious, but apparently, he never intended it to be more than just...what?

I don't think I ever understood him.

Pretty quickly, I learned not to put too much into it. When I heard he'd fucked some groupie, I finally understood all his 'don't take this too serious'-speeches. I used to think it was insecurity, but apparently, it was him saying 'let's be fuck-buddies'. Sure, I was pissed at first, but then I realized that I wasn't in love with him or anything, so why put that much into it? So I played along. I played too. I fucked an old friend. I had fun, just like he did.

But then, I don't think his other fucks meant as much to him as I did. I hate saying that; it makes me sound selfish. But it's true. We'd always been close, sure. We were in the same band, had the same friends and pretty much the same taste in music. But it still seemed that he thought more of me than others.

I remember one time after we'd fucked in his bunk; he was fast asleep, but I couldn't follow. I lied restlessly in his arms. I'd usually go for a walk or something, but I was comfortable and I didn't wanna wake him, so I stayed there. I looked around his bunk and noticed he had my birthday scrawled on a note with a little drawing on it. I think I drew it for him once. It could look like something I'd done, but I wasn't sure. What I was sure of, was that those numbers were my birthday. It even had my age next to it.

He once told me that he always felt he could tell me everything. That it was like he couldn't help himself but to tell me everything.

So I really don't get him. He told me not to put too much into this ”relationship”, but it always seemed like he was the one putting too much into it – like he couldn't help himself.

And then, he was the one who ended it.

Well, he never really ended it. He just kept being ”too busy” to see me. He kept rejecting me, and after having been rejected for the fourth time over text messages, I stopped asking.

He never asked. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I just didn't mean enough to him. Or maybe he was too scared to do so. I'll never know.

And now, he's giving me these looks. Like he's trying to tell me that he needs my help, but he always half-ass his attempts. I can never read them fully. It's like, when he looks me in the eye from across the stage, he starts telling me something; but he never finishes his sentence. And so, I never know what it is he's trying to tell me – what he wants me to do.

I think he wants my help. I think he wants to get things off his chest. I think he misses telling me everything.

So I tried. I tried sitting down with him as friends and talk, but he didn't open up. He kept shut. Like he was afraid.

So what does his looks mean? Does he want me back, now that he can't have me? Is it a ”reach for the stars” kind of approach? Now that I'm married, he can't live without me? What is it? What does he want?