Unintended

Being in love with someone you can't have will eventually consume you until it's all you think about. I dwell on it all the time. I also feel guilty and I punish myself, because what I feel is wrong. I'm in love with my best friend. My band mate. And he happens to be engaged. Engaged to a lovely young woman who whenever I see her, my blood runs cold with pure jealousy. I'm jealous because she gets to be with the man I love. She gets to hold him, kiss him, tell him she loves him and hear him say he feels the same way about her.

It's almost like I live in a bubble inside my own head. I spend every spare second fantasising about me confessing my undying love for Frank, and hearing him tell me he loves me right back. I dream about him loving me the way I love him. I dream about him loving me more than a friend, more than a band mate. I dream about the way his lips would feel against mine. I dream about being able to hold him in a passionate embrace and whisper sweet nothings in his ear. I envision it over and over until my mind becomes tired by my fantasies. Because that is all they are; Fantasies.

Having to see him virtually every day is hard, and yet somehow I wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes I'll find myself watching him a little too closely, and sometimes I'll even think I feel him watching me back. I know it's all in my head though. I know when he flirts with me on stage, it's all an act. He even kissed me on stage once. It all happened so fast it barely registered with me. I hated myself for not savouring it, for not treasuring it... because it's as much as I'll ever get from him.

I laid awake in the bed of some 5-star hotel room. I couldn't sleep. Frank was in the room next to me, with only a door separating us. I found myself wondering what he was doing, wondering whether he was asleep, or maybe he was reading. Maybe he was taking a shower. I hoped he wasn't missing his fiancé too much. But saying that, he hasn't mentioned her a lot lately. I think he finds it too hard to talk about her. I'm not complaining though, because whenever I hear her name mentioned I feel raging anger inside. It's unfair, it's stupid... I feel guilty about it. I wish I didn't care. Far too many times I find myself overcome with jealousy. It's surely the worst emotion there is.

It was dead silent. You could probably hear a pin drop. The only thing I could really hear was my breathing. The bed felt so empty, and I felt so lonely. It'd been ages since I'd shared a bed with anyone. It wasn't as if I didn't have any offers; without sounding arrogant, I could probably take a new girl home every night. Hell, I could probably take a new guy home every night too. But I didn't want any old girl, or any guy... I wanted Frank. And the truth is, I'd wanted him from the moment I laid eyes on him.

My thoughts and the silence was disturbed by such a faint sound that I wondered if it was my mind playing tricks on me. It sounded like... a moan? It snapped me out of my thoughts, and caught my attention. I stayed perfectly still, though I wasn't sure what I was listening for. Until I heard it again. A soft moan coming from the room next-door. I could hear it purely because my room was deadly silent. And then I heard it again, slightly louder. It was Frank.

All I could do was listen as the small, quiet moans became more frequent. Was he masturbating? My stomach flipped and twisted in excited knots. I slowly sat up and pressed my ear to the wall. From what I could hear, it was apparent what he was doing. And the thought of it made my heart start to race.

I climbed quietly out of bed, and walked to the door that separated our rooms. I used to curse those kind of doors, I always felt it was an invasion of privacy... but now I blessed it. I could hear him a lot clearer with my ear pressed against the door. But suddenly I felt terrible, I felt sinful, I felt like a bad friend... I shouldn't be listening to him like that. That is an invasion of privacy. It's none of my business if he self-pleasures. But my God... I couldn't stop myself from listening. The sound, the mental vision... it was so perfect. The thought of someone as perfect and beautiful as Frank touching himself, pleasuring himself... it put hummingbirds in my stomach. It made my mind twirl with a million amazing visions.

But what I heard next I couldn't believe. What I heard next I honestly question if it was real. It was my mind playing tricks on me, surely. I imagined it. I heard him moan my name. I could swear it. Frank, moaning my name. I must be dreaming.

My heart started to pound hard inside my chest. I pressed my ear even tighter against the door, hoping he'd say it again...hoping that he'd prove I wasn't going crazy.

"Gerard..."

I heard my name gasp quietly from his lips. My breath got caught in my throat and my eyes widened. He was masturbating over me. I blinked my eyes tightly, wondering if I had actually fallen asleep and this was one of my many dreams about him. But deep down inside, I knew it was real. I knew it was reality even though it was hard to come to grips with.

I suddenly had no idea what to do, but I knew what I wanted to do. I knew what I was desperate to do. It was dangerous, it was wrong... it could be the riskiest thing I ever do. But I wanted to do it so badly. I couldn't stop myself. Maybe it's the risk-taker in me, maybe it's the devil in me... but I had to do it.

I placed my hand on the door handle. My hand was actually trembling with nerves, excitement, anticipation.... I twisted it slowly and opened the door. I stepped inside, as quiet as a mouse. My eyes instantly laid on the love of my life.

Frank laid on his bed, on top of the covers. He was wearing nothing but boxer-shorts and his hand was down the front of them, visibly stroking and touching himself. His eyes were tightly closed, his face was flushed red and his head was tilted back.

I swear my heart stopped for a few moments. My breath got caught in my throat again and I let out a small gasp for breath. My mouth fell open slightly and my eyes felt like they were going to pop out of my head. I was watching someone beautiful, someone sexy, someone more important to me than he'll even know... watching him touch himself. Watching him pleasure himself. I'd never seen anything more wonderful or amazing in my life.

"Gerard, oh Gerard..." Frank moaned again quietly, and he bit his lip in an attempt to restrain his moans.

I couldn't believe this was happening. I was standing in a room, watching the man I've loved for 5 years masturbate over me. And he didn't even know I was here.

I found myself walking closer to the bed. My heart was racing like I'd just run about a million consecutive marathons. I'd never been more nervous and more excited in my life. I had no idea what'd happen if he saw me standing there. The thought both terrified me and excited me no end. But I couldn't leave, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him - they were fixated. I was watching a thing of pure beauty.

I don't know whether Frank sensed that he wasn't alone, but suddenly his eyes snapped open. His face suddenly drained of it's colour and a look of pure and utter horror washed over it. He pulled his hand quickly out of his boxers and he stared at me, looking utterly mortified. He looked humiliated, ashamed, scared... but he said nothing. And I said nothing. I just stared at him as he stared back at me, both of us equally as wide-eyed, both of us equally as shocked by the situation. Frank knew he couldn't make up excuses, he knew he couldn't pretend he wasn't masturbating over me, so he kept his mouth shut.

For a second I had no idea what to do. Maybe I should say something? Maybe I should tell him that it's okay, that I don't mind that he was thinking of me while he pleasured himself. Or maybe I should do what I've wanted to do for longer than I care to remember.

Without a word, I walked around the bed. My eyes didn't leave Frank, and his eyes didn't leave me. He watched me intently, as if he was trying to anticipate my next move. I don't know what he felt when I climbed onto the bed next to him. I suddenly realised my own boxers had gotten rather tight. I suddenly felt like I was having an outer-body experience, this was so surreal.

I put a hand either side of Frank, and I positioned myself so I was laying over him. Neither of us uttered a single word. I just stared down at him. The look of horror on his face seemed to have turned to that of shock and surprise. He looked totally stunned. He looked how I felt. Our eyes locked and I gazed down at him, and I could almost feel his heart racing. Mine sure as hell was. I thought it might explode from my chest.

I moved my face closer to his, and I could feel his breath hitting my face. He was breathing heavily, much like me. I glanced down to his lips. I could see he was biting the inside of his bottom lip, and my eyes moved up to meet his again. I then lowered my head slowly, and lightly pressed my lips against his.

Frank instantly kissed me back. The feeling of his soft lips against mine made my insides dance with joy. He kissed me back slowly, softly, yet passionately. The cold metal feel of his lip ring just added the sensation. I had no idea what would happen after this kiss, so I savoured every last moment, every last detail. His taste, the feeling of his lips against mine... I then felt his tongue press against my lips, and I parted them to give him entrance. This was already the most amazing kiss I'd ever experienced.

My tongue lightly pressed against his. I felt as if we were searching each others mouths. My body still hovered high above his, but I felt his hands on my bare back, and he gently pushed me down, closing the gap between us. Our kiss became more passionate and a little deeper, but still filled with so much respect, so much care.

That's when I could feel Frank's erection poking into my thigh. I'd also developed a problem 'down there'. We broke our kiss and kept our faces dangerously close. We were both breathing heavily, and still neither of us spoke. My trembling hand then moved down and underneath my body. I stroked Frank through the fabric of his boxers and I got an immediate response. He shut his eyes and let out a small moan, which made me feel like all my dreams had come true. My hand then moved down the front of his boxers, and I took him in my hand.

The only cock I'd ever touched was my own. So the feeling of Frank's in my hand was a new and exciting experience. I begun stroking him, and I watched his face intently. He moaned again, clearly liking what I was doing. I suddenly felt like a God. I must be special if I can make someone as special as Frank moan. He bit his lip and tilted his head back. I felt like I had VIP seats for the greatest show on earth. Getting to see his face consumed in pleasure, and knowing that I was inflicting it on him... it was unreal. I wanted to take a mental photograph and savour it forever.

I then felt that it wasn't enough for him - he deserved more. I let go of him, and his eyes immediately opened and begun watching me again. I became nervous, unsure if I should do what I was planning on doing next. I didn't want to embarrass him, or make him feel exposed. But I wanted to pleasure him as much as I possibly could.

My hands took a light grip on the top of his boxers. My heart started pounding even faster, and I looked at Frank, silently asking him if I could continue. He didn't say anything, so I slowly pulled down his boxer-shorts, exposing him in all his glory.

My eyes must've widened to the size of fish bowels. I started breathing even heavier as I gazed down at what was before me. I'd never seen Frank naked before, and it was truly a sight to behold. I'd never seen anyone more perfect or beautiful in my life. He was a credit to the human race. I looked him up and down, and every inch of him was perfect. If there is a God, Frank must've been first in line when he was handing out perfection. 'Perfect' is literally the only word to sum him up. No other word gives him justice. He was far more beautiful than I ever imagined.

I realised I must be daunting him a little bit, staring down at his naked body while I was still wearing my own boxers. I looked into Frank's eyes again, and it was almost as if he was undressing me with his own. That excited me. That thrilled me. And without taking my eyes off Frank, I pulled down my own boxers and threw them to the floor. Now we were equal. Now we were both fully revealed to each other. I watched Frank's face and he looked at me in a similar way to how I imagine I must've looked when I first laid eyes on his naked body. His mouth opened slightly and it was almost as if he was marvelling me, which suddenly made every little insecurity about myself disappear. If I was good enough for Frank, I was good enough for anybody. But I didn't care about anybody. I didn't care if I was ugly to just anybody, because Frank was making me feel beautiful.

After several moments of gazing at one another, I placed my hands on top of Frank's thighs. I spread his legs open a bit, and I positioned myself between them. I planted a kiss on his lower stomach, and I'm sure I felt him shiver. I then moved my head down and took him in my mouth. I'd never given anyone a blow job before. I had no idea what to do, or how to make it feel good. The feeling of him inside my mouth was a lot better than I thought it'd be. I didn't even feel that weird.

I started to move my head in ways I could imagine feeling good on myself. I heard Frank moan, and I realised I must be doing something right. I could then feel a hand press on the back of my head. I think he wanted to grip hold of my hair, but I think he felt he had to contain himself. But as I started to suck him harder, he refrained from holding back, and his fingers entwined in my hair, taking a hard grip.

"Oh Gerard..." Frank moaned, and the feeling that gave me was overwhelming.

Hearing him moan my name was out of this world. I used my tongue to do things I couldn't even describe, but Frank seemed to love it. I could hear his moaning and heavy breathing increase, and the grip on my hair got tighter. I had to remind myself what I was doing, I had to remind myself I was giving Frank a blow job. Frank, the guy I've been madly in love with for years. I was pleasuring him, I was hearing him moan my name.... I'm the luckiest person on earth.

"Mmmm...Gerard..." Frank moaned softly, his hips rising unintentionally. "Gerard...."

I took him deeper in my mouth than I thought possible. I was doing anything I could to make this amazing for him. Suddenly I could feel him tensing up in my mouth, and I wondered what was coming next.

"I can't...I can't hold...ohhh...on..." Frank moaned breathlessly.

I awaited what was coming next with wonder. He tugged on my hair almost violently and his hips raised slightly before I felt him explode in my mouth. It was the weirdest feeling ever. It tasted different to how I expected, and the texture was different to how I expected too. I managed to swallow all of it, but I can't help thinking I could only swallow because it was Frank. If it was anyone else's I would not want to know.

I lifted my head and looked at Frank's face. He looked exhausted but satisfied, and I couldn't help but smile. His hands found their way to my back, and he pulled me down on top of him. Still not a word was spoken. I think our eyes and bodies were doing all the talking.

I kissed his lips softly, letting him taste himself. That's when I felt Frank's hand take hold of me, and it caught me completely by surprise. We broke our kiss as Frank begun stroking my length, massaging me with his thumb. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and a moan escaped my lips. The feeling of his hand on me was sensational.

"Frank..." I breathed as he started to pumped me slowly. "I love you..."

The moment those words left my lips, fear struck me. I felt Frank let go of me, and my eyes opened to meet his again. I looked down at him, and he stared up at me in total shock. He looked absolutely stunned. I was suddenly so fearful that I'd 'blown' it. I had no idea what this meant to him. Maybe talking wouldn't have been such a bad thing after all. I couldn't believe I'd let myself get lost in the moment and utter those 3 words I vowed never to say.

I looked down at Frank, waiting for some kind of response. I almost expected him to push me off of him, to tell me to leave, that this was a mistake, that this was just sex. That I was just a substitute for his fiancé who was back home in Jersey.

...But he didn't.

His mouth opened slightly, his deep breathes now shaky and his eyes filled with wonder. "Then make love to me." He whispered.

"W-What?" I stuttered, my eyes widening in disbelief.

Frank swallowed hard. "I want you to...to make love to me." He replied.

"Are you serious?" I asked him. Was this really happening?

He nodded his head, his breathing still shaky. "Yes."

I looked at him, straight into his eyes. I could see he was certain. I felt like I'd been waiting for this moment my entire life. I was in complete shock.

"I-I-I don't have anything to uh...you know, prepare us..." I stammered, the words almost getting stuck in my throat.

Frank shook his head slowly. "I don't mind." He said.

I bit my lip. I knew I wanted to do this more than anything in the world, but I wanted him to be certain. I didn't want him to regret it. But we both seemed fully aware we were about to commit a huge sin.

I swallowed, my body shaking with anticipation. I kissed his lips softly, and then hovered above them. "I only want to do this if you're sure." I whispered.

"I am sure." Frank replied. "Please..."

I wasn't going to let him down. But I was so nervous. I had never done this before. I didn't want to hurt him, and we had nothing to prepare him, to make this easier. I was almost unsure how to go about it myself. For the first time I blessed over-hearing my gay friends talk about sex. It gave me some indication what to actually do.

I lifted Frank's legs up. My whole body was shaking by now. I manoeuvred my fingers around until I found his entrance. I slowly pushed a finger inside of him, and I instantly felt him tense up and he let out a gasp. My heart was pounding by now. I watched his face as I pushed another finger in him. His face twisted and he winced, biting his lip. I then started to make a scissor-action with my fingers, and I studied Frank's face for signs of pain. It was obvious he was in at least discomfort.

I pulled my fingers from him. "If you don't want to go through with this, it's okay." I assured him.

"I-I do." Frank said, nodding his head. "I do."

I positioned myself over him. His legs were wrapped around me and I stared directly into his eyes as I gently pushed myself into him slowly with as much care as I possibly could give. Frank's face scrunched up and he let out a groan of pain, but the physical feeling for me was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. I didn't know whether it was because it was with a guy, or whether it was just because it was with a guy that I loved so much, but the physical feeling was amazing.

Once I got over my own moment, I begun worrying about Frank. He looked uncomfortable, and that upset me.

"Are you alright?" I managed to choke out.

Frank winced before nodding his head. "I don't want you to stop." He said.

I started to move my hips, gently pushing myself into him further. I was being slow and being as gently as I possibly could. I couldn't stop myself from moaning as I pushed myself into him. Frank groaned again, and I felt awful that I was feeling so much pleasure whilst causing him pain.

I withdrew myself slightly before pushing back into him with equal amount of care. I studied Frank's face, hoping to see signs of him getting used to it... and after a couple of minutes, he seemed to relax. I could actually feel him relax around me. I quickened my pace but only slightly. I wasn't about to pound into him - I didn't want to hurt him.

"Oh Frank..." I moaned, shutting my eyes and tilting my head back.

"Gerard...oh God..." He moaned in response, this time his voice filled with pleasure.

We started breathing and moaning in unison as our bodies begun working together. Frank's arms wrapped around me and I felt his fingernails drag gently down my back. I pressed my lips against the skin on his neck, kissing him, nibbling him, taking in his scent and treasuring every inch of him. Frank's legs squeezed tighter around me and his back arched into me. My own hands caressed his sides, roaming his flesh as if it was the last thing they would ever feel. We were in a tight embrace, sweat forming on our moaning bodies, beads of joy consuming our skin as we consumed each other. Everything we were doing to each other was amazing. Everything we were doing was spurring the other on even more. I had never experienced anything as special as this.

I hit something inside of Frank, and it got a huge response. His hips bucked, his back arched and he moaned my name louder than before. Getting such a reaction made me hit that spot again, and again, and again...

I was making love to the person I'd dreamed of making love to for so long. I felt like this was where I belonged. I felt like a prisoner who'd just been set free. I felt like I was drinking fresh water after being stranded in the desert. I felt more myself than I'd ever felt before. I felt at home. This wasn't about sex. It surely couldn't be about sex. I knew I was desperately in love with Frank, but something about the way he was touching me, the way he was connecting with me...something told me that he might, just might, feel the same way. It seemed impossible for it to be any other way. We were like two halves that fitted together. We were one. Two bodies connected, two hearts. This couldn't possibly be 'just sex'. This felt like the action of two people who were madly in love.

I knew I was close to having the best orgasm of my life. It was like 5 years of waiting was finally about to pay off. I grit my teeth tightly, and I laced my fingers with Frank's before letting myself go. I fell over the egde and fuck, it was the best feeling I'd ever had. I dragged my orgasm and Frank managed to help me. We worked together and it was the best orgasm I'd ever had times a trillion.

My body collapsed onto Frank's. Our chests were heaving, our bodies were sweating... I laid on Frank, burying my face in the crook of his neck, breathing into his skin. His arms wrapped around me, and he gently stroked my back, caressing it, holding me in such a way that made me feel like I was worth more than a million dollars.

My head was spinning in ecstasy. I'd never felt more complete in my life. I knew there was a million questions I should be asking, but I couldn't help but be fearful for the answers. There was one question I had to ask though.

I lifted my tired head and looked at Frank. I got lost in the moment, and ended up just gazing down at him. He smiled at me softly, placing his hand on the side of my face and stroking it lightly with his thumb.

"Was that okay?" I whispered, unsure as to how he could say it was anything less.

Frank nodded his head slowly, his breath still heavy and a look of 'complete' still written on his face. "That was much more than okay." He whispered.

I smiled at him before brushing a piece of damp hair from his eyes. We gazed at each other, and I wanted this moment to last forever. I was scared of what would happen next.

"Gerard..?" Frank said quietly, still staring straight into my eyes.

"What is it?" I whispered, cupping his cheek in my hand and caressing it lightly.

Frank shut his eyes in a relaxed state, leaning his face into my hand. "I love you too..." He sighed contently.

Those words made my heart beat for an actual reason. It made all the pain I'd been feeling over these last 5 years disappear. I'd been longing to hear those words for so long, and hearing them was no disappointment. The fantasy came true, and it was more amazing than I ever imagined.

I felt overcome with emotion. I felt like I could cry with pure joy. But I was too stunned to cry. I was too in awe of the moment to cry. All I could do was stare down at my lover and thank the heavens above for finally granting my long-running wish.

"I've been waiting to hear you say that since the moment I laid eyes on you." I whispered, my eyes fixated on Frank's relaxed state.

His eyes opened and focussed on me. "You've loved me all this time?" He asked in disbelief.

I nodded my head. "Since the moment I first saw your face. I always knew you were special." I said, stroking the side of his face.

"I wish you'd told me..." Frank said. He almost looked sad, upset... he had a look of regret. "Me and Jamia have been fighting. I knew something was wrong when I realised I didn't care enough about the arguments. I realised I didn't love her when I looked at her and felt nothing anymore. I realised I didn't love her when it was you that made my heart beat faster when you walked into a room. Not her.... And it scared me so much. It scared me because you were my friend and the singer in my band, and I have a fiancé. But the truth is I've always felt something for you, there's always been something there... it just took me a long time to admit it. And the honest fact is... I love you, Gerard. I love you so fucking much."

I blinked my eyes rapidly, fearful that they might fill with tears. I kissed Frank's forehead and looked him in the eyes. "You have just completed my entire life." I whispered.