If I Should Fall, Would You Catch Me?

Running. My feet are dancing up the stairs with such pace I'm afraid I'll topple over. I hear nothing but the struggle my lungs make to keep me breathing. My heart aches, my stomach churns and I felt my throat get raw as if I had dry swallowed a pill. It wasn't rare that I had felt this way, it was everyday.

Everyday just a little closer, a little lost, a little hopeless.

I had lost my faith in everything, where I was to go? Who did I belong to? If I didn't belong to me anymore, was there someone else? Of course not.

There was no one to catch me when I fall. No one to extend a hand to pick up the shattered pieces of myself off the floor. No one to glue it back together. No one to fix me.

I get a little closer to relief as I open the narrow door and a breeze greets me. my hair dances softly as I stop my running and stay still. My heart beats a little faster as I hold a hand to my flushed my face and take a small breath. I close my eyes before reopening them and taking in the indigo and light blue sky. The dark clouds almost look black as they trail across. Looking mean and ready to attack any moment. I shiver a little.

I had thought I planned it out perfectly. Because this wasn't the first time I found myself here. I had 'practiced' if you will. Everyday I took one more step closer to the end. I had every intention to make it quick. I didn't believe in making a scene. No one even had to know. This was my idea. My way. My moment. My time to shine.

I walk along the center of the roof with careful steps as the wind starts to pick up. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I smiled. It hadn't felt this great before. This must be a sign. Now was the right time.

'Almost there, you can do it.' a voice encourages as I continue to walk a few more steps before I'm back at the familiar spot I had come to love.

'Go.' the voice whispers as I look around once more before down. It's quite a fall from here. I can barely make out the people walking, but the sound of traffic lingers in the air. Here we go again.

I bite my lip as I move my right foot dangerously close to the edge. This is where I got frustrated the most. I would hesistate without any reason. All I wanted was this, what the problem? It was almost as if something was holding me back, but I didn't know what it was. Something so important it had convinced me to step back. But not this time. It was my chance and I was going to let anything ruin it. I was in control this time.

"Just...go." I whisper to myself as goosebumps break out on my skin. I had never gotten this close before. I was anxious, excited, nervous, pressured. This was it after all. The final curtain call to my wonderful show called life. The climax being reached and my resolution had been revealed to me. It was escape.

With one final movement, I could cut off all ties. Wipe the slate clean once and for all and just let go. There was nothing much out there for me. I had done what I wanted to do, lived like I wanted to. But it wasn't good enough to stop this inner battle that manifested many years ago. You see, for some reason I had always felt this...urge. I ignored it for as long as I could, but it was fruitless now. I needed to surrender to the inevitable.

"It could all be over." I whispered once more as I lifted my right leg up and took a deep breath.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" someone yelled as I jumped back, instead of forward in a sudden streak of luck. I turned my head to the person responsible for ruining my special fucking moment.

"What do you think?" I asked the guy as he stood there with a shocked expression on his face, a cigarette burning in between his right index and middle fingers.

"I just-"

"Look, save me the speech okay? Can you do me a small favor and just walk away? Thanks." I replied as I turned back to my original spot.

"Hey, wait a minute there pal. I know what you're thinking, and don't do it." he replied as I rolled my eyes. Here it goes. Just like a fucking movie.

"Please don't start okay? Not the whole 'you have a lot to live for, you can get through it.' You don't know me okay? So just go." I told him. He stepped closer as I could make out his face. It was a creamy pale color. He had these certain eyes that bored into me in a strange way. His dark hair framed his face.

"How could I just go? I know I don't know you, but for fuck sake, I can't just let you jump off a fucking roof." he scoffed.

"Why not?" I asked sarcastically. I was starting to get pissed off. He was wasting my precious time. I could've been done with this by now.

"Just please listen to me. What's the problem? You can talk to me." he insisted as I growled under my breath. I didn't want to talk!

"I don't want to talk, I don't want to think. Seriously, please go." I begged him as he stood there defiant and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Can you at least tell me your name?" he asked softly as I looked at him and sighed. The nerve of this guy.

"It's...it's Sarah." I replied equally as he nodded and took a drag off his cigarette.

"Well Sarah. I'm Jimmy." he said casually. "You plan on this night being your last night?" he asked me.

"Yes." I replied childishly as he laughs softly.

"Why's that?" he asked once more as I felt my patience starting to drop.

"Well not that's any of your business, but it's just something I feel like I need to do alright?" I replied hastily as he put his hands up.

"No need to get all hostile on my ass sweetheart, I just want to help." he retorted as I rolled my eyes.

"Help me? Help me by making up some lie to convince me it's all in my mind? That I need to just calm down? Well fuck you okay? I know what I'm doing." I replied as he rolled his eyes.

"Look kid, don't make things harder than it already is. Just step back for a minute. Enjoy the scenery. Think about this." he told me.

"Why do you care?" I asked him in almost a whisper as he looked at me.

"Because I once stood in that exact same spot with the same exact state of mind. I know what you're thinking and don't." he told me. "You're not going to be happy if you carry out your plan, trust me. My dad beat the shit out of me and my mom couldn't care less. My best friends died in a car accident three years ago. If you're here because you've lost something, I understand." he replied softly as I stared at him and felt my throat get raw once more. My stomach twisted a little more into knots as I looked down.

"I'm sorry." was all I could say as he shrugged.

"You learn and you move on. I got through it. I'm sure whatever you're going through, you can get through it too." he offered as I half smiled at him and looked out into the LA sky.

"I'm not sure anymore." I answered honestly as he came a little closer.

"Never say never." he replied as he smiled at me.

"You think you can step back just a little more? Please." he asked me as I felt trapped. I didn't want to move back. I didn't want to give in again. But there was a small part of me that wanted to listen to this Jimmy.

"Don't do it." he whispered as he held out his hand while I looked at it carefully and felt tears fill my eyes as I reached out to it. I stepped forward a minute too soon and I slipped off the edge while catching myself. I gasped as I hung on for dear life while looking up at Jimmy.

"Jimmy." I whispered as he came closer.

"Give me your hand." he insisted and extended a hand as he reached out to me as I shook my head.

"I can't." I whispered as I looked down. It suddenly seemed more scary to be on the other side of the roof.

"Yes you can Sarah, give me your God damn hand. Come on." he begged me as I still didn't move. I couldn't find the will to as I looked back up into his green eyes filled with panic.

"It was nice to meet you Jimmy." I said softly as he shook his head and reached for my arm.

"Sarah, don't let go. I'm serious, give me your fucking hand." he replied carefully as I gave in. I let go, but not to Jimmy's hand. I gave into me. I let both my hands go as I suddenly felt a force pushing me down as Jimmy screamed and watched me fall down the cold LA air as I looked up into those piercing eyes. I had to let go.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and opened my arms as I prepared my last landing. No one would understand.

I smiled as I closed my eyes and got closer with every inch.

I was free.