Aim High, Never Rest

The following eight days were a whirlwind of photoshoots, interviews, and legal jargon, which seemed like a bit much considering I was only doing five episodes, but it was whatever. Though she was enthusiastic about this new gig, my mom kept pressuring me to find an agent, and even though I knew I needed one, I just didn’t have the time. With school and hours of filming for the show, I was exhausted every night. It had become a daily struggle to resist the urge to immediately fall into bed and drag myself into the shower first.

It felt like I had been doing this for months instead of just over a week.

With only two more days of shooting for my character, I was sort of at a crossroads. While I was happy that I no longer had to go through those long days and struggle to balance my schoolwork with filming, I really needed to find another job and an agent.

School had been a bit weird lately. Logan and I still weren’t talking, and I’d practically begged James to be my lab partner, even though it meant I’d have to do all of the work. It was totally worth avoiding the awkwardness.

Thank God we didn’t have to shoot on Sundays. The hot midday sun felt great against my skin as my flip-flopped feet hit the pavement. Other pedestrians breezed past me on the crosswalk as I headed across the street to have lunch with Jo.

As I stepped onto the curb, a warm gust of wind brushing against my bare legs and my face shielded by a pair of oversized sunglasses, I felt completely Hollywood. For once, I didn’t feel like this awkward southern girl on the other side of the rose-colored glass just looking in; I actually felt like I could own this city, make my new location work to my advantage instead of just being rolled over like most of the teenagers with dreams in this town. It was definitely a good feeling.

Jo was already there waiting when I walked into the somewhat crowded coffee shop. Her brown eyes stared intently into her coffee cup for a moment before she noticed me, and I greeted her with a smile and a slight wave as I walked to the counter.

Though we hadn’t exactly gotten off on the best note, Jo and I were actually beginning to bond. I guess when you spend so many hours working with someone, you sort of get used to being around that person. It was just a lot easier to grab lunch or dinner with Jo between scenes than it would be to try to drive around LA traffic on my own. Plus Jo knew the best places to grab a quick bite when you’re strapped for cash.

Both seriously drained of energy and in need of a caffeine boost, we decided on coffee, and Jo claimed that she knew a coffee shop just down the street from the Palm Woods that was “better than Starbucks.”

I highly doubt that anything could be better than Starbucks, but I decided to trust her judgment.

After the cute blue-eyed barista handed over my venti vanilla latte and blueberry muffin, I joined Jo at the table she’d snagged by the window.

“Hey, how’s your day off been?” I asked as I took the seat across from her.

“Pretty good,” she smiled before taking a sip of her drink. “How about yours?”

“So far, no complaints, then again, I only woke up a couple hours ago.”

Jo sighed as she tossed her flat-ironed hair over her shoulders. “Must be nice to get to sleep in. I had a breakfast date with Kendall.” A faint smiled formed on her lips at the mention of her boyfriend, and for a split second, I wished that I had someone that made me feel that way.

“Aw, that’s cute.”

“Yeah, it’s just so hard to find time to be together when all this is going on,” she said, her hands in a flurry for emphasis.

“I can’t even imagine,” I replied honestly as my fingers began to tear apart the oversized muffin in front of me. “I don’t know how you guys do it.”

“It’s definitely not easy, but in the long run, it’s worth it. Nothing that’s worth doing is easy anyway, right?”

I nodded in agreement before wiping the muffin crumbs from my lips.

“I mean, I’d rather struggle to be with Kendall than not be with him at all,” she continued, and it felt like she wasn’t talking to me as much as she was trying to reassure herself.

Maybe there’s trouble in paradise.

We chatted a little more about trivial things like school and music before I noticed that I had to get going. My mom had found me an audition for some big blockbuster tween movie that I would probably never be cast in, but I figured it was worth a shot. At least I could feel somewhat productive on my day off.

I drove a little too recklessly through downtown traffic in order to make it back to the apartment to change clothes and collect myself a little before the audition. After all, this was going to be my first real audition, that in itself frayed my nerves.

Of course, as soon as I walked through the door, all of my plans were thrown out the window.

“Kandi, where have you been? I swear I’ve called your cell phone at least ten times,” My mom’s voice was rushed and frantic as she immediately grabbed her purse and met me at the door.

“I was at lunch with Jo, my phone was on silent, what’s going on?”

“The fridge is practically empty, so I need to go get groceries or else we’ll have nothing to eat for dinner, and my car won’t start. I need to borrow yours.”

“But I have that audition at two, can’t the groceries wait until after I get back?”

“That supermarket down the street closes at three on Sunday, surely you can find a ride to the audition. Maybe Jo can take you?”

I rolled my eyes as I handed over the keys. Great, now I have to try to bum a ride from someone.

My mom uttered a muffled “thanks” before hurrying out, and even though I didn’t have a ride yet, I went into my bedroom to change into something more professional for the audition.

I grabbed a khaki-colored blazer from my closet to match the shorts I was already wearing and threw it on over my coral-toned tank top, both part of the new “up and coming actress” wardrobe I’d splurged and bought with my first check.

I pulled my hair down from its messy bun and shook my head around until it looked somewhat decent, then slipped my feet back into my Rainbows and grabbed my phone before walking out of the door.

Someone in this building had to be free and willing to drive a girl to an audition.

As I walked down the stairs to the lobby, I was met head-on by Carlos as he excitedly carried two Icees up towards his apartment.

“Hey Carlos, are you busy right now?” I asked, trying to muster up my most depressed and desperate expression.

“Eh, kinda sorta…not really,” he sighed. “I was going to take Hannah this Icee, but she’s not in her apartment. What’s wrong?”

“I have an audition at two, and I really really really need a ride,” I pleaded, fumbling with my hair as I spoke.

“I would totally take you to your audition if I could drive. Logan’s the only one of us that can, and he only has his permit. He’s not doing anything right now so I’m sure he’d take you, but you guys aren’t talking or whatever.”

My shoulders automatically slumped. Looks like Logan’s my only option if I want to make it to this audition.

“I guess I could ask him,” I sighed, and as soon as the words left my lips, I swore I saw Carlos’s face light up a little. Seeing that hopeful gleam in his brown eyes made me smile, even if begging Logan wasn’t exactly at the top of my to-do list.

Carlos would definitely make some girl a great boyfriend one of these days.

As I reluctantly followed Carlos back up the stairs to 2J, I tried to find the right words to say to Logan, but I knew I’d find some way to make this already-awkward situation even more awkward, so I figured I might as well wing it.

Carlos practically busted through the door, slamming the two cherry Icees down on the kitchen counter in defeat.

I slowly walked through the door, ducking my head around cautiously as I glanced around the living room. My breath hitched in my chest as soon as my eyes fell on Logan sitting on the couch, his eyes skimming the pages of the book in front of him.

“Hey,” the single word came out a little more loudly than I had intended.

Logan’s eyes darted up to meet mine, and there was something about his expression and the way that he smiled at me that completely threw me off. The only thing I could compare it to would be that look of loyalty that you can only really get from a dog, and I was thrown off because I’d never seen that type of pure devotion from anyone before. It was like everything was instantly forgiven, just like that, and neither one of us really had to say a word.

That’s the type of thing that scares me the most, more than car crashes or sharks or horror movies.

“Hey, what’s up?” he said as he folded over the page of his book and let it fall onto the bright tangerine couch cushion.

“Uh, I have this really big audition in a couple hours, but my mom took my car, so I have no ride. Could you please please please take me?”

“I just have my permit,” he stammered, twiddling his fingers in his lap.

“Yeah, and you can drive as long as a licensed driver is in the car with you, right?”

He nodded.

“Licensed driver right here,” I laughed.

Logan stood up and walked over towards me. “I guess I could try, but if something goes wrong, you’re taking the blame.”

“That’s totally fine with me,” I flashed him a smile, and we headed out the door.

Without Carlos’s presence, the tension between us crept back in. We spent the elevator ride down to the lobby in silence, neither of us exactly sure what to say.

It wasn’t until we had reached the parking lot that Logan finally broke the silence.

“So how have you been? I haven’t really seen you around lately.”

“Busy,” I laughed. “Jo got me a small part in New Town High.”

“Yeah, I heard about that,” he said as we walked across the pavement, weaving through rows of cars. “How do you like it?”

“Honestly…I feel like it’s a great opportunity, but I’m not exactly in love with my character. She just seems really flat, but I’m probably just putting too much head into it. But what about you, how have you been?”

“I’ve been okay,” he mumbled as he came to a stop beside a russet-toned convertible.

“Is this your car?” I asked as my eyes skimmed over the exterior. It definitely wasn’t something I’d picture Logan driving.

“Well, technically Gustavo got it for all four of us to use, but since I’m the only one that can drive…” his lips curled into a smirk as he unlocked the door.

As he slid awkwardly into the driver’s seat, he leaned across to open the passenger side door.

“Thanks,” I said softly as I climbed in, relishing the smell of the car’s cream leather seats.

Logan waited until he was out onto the highway and at a comfortable speed before continuing the conversation, but it wasn’t really the same. It just felt like there was this huge elephant in the small space between us, and that elephant just happened to be named Camille. Their relationship was something that I had to admit I was curious about, but I felt too uncomfortable to flat-out ask him.

“Are you sure you won’t get in trouble for hanging out with me?” I teased as I slipped out of my flip-flops and curled my legs against the soft seat.

He chuckled slightly, but I wasn’t really sure if he caught the hint. “I hope not.”

The only sound that could be heard was the sound of Logan’s finger’s drumming against the steering wheel.

“So what’s this audition for, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“You’re only taking me there, of course I’m going to tell you what it’s for….as long as you promise not to laugh.”

The sound of Logan’s laughter filled the car, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little myself. For that moment, things felt like the way they were before, before the party, before Camille, before New Town High, before things got so complicated.

But that feeling vanished in an instant.

“You’re laughing now and I haven’t even told you yet, how am I supposed to believe that you won’t laugh at me as soon as I tell you what it is?”

“Kandi, I swear I won’t laugh…unless it’s somehow affiliated with Justin Bieber, and even then, I’ll just chuckle a little.”

“Okay, I appreciate that.”

“Spit it out already, it can’t be that embarrassing.” He rolled his eyes dramatically, almost rolling past a stop sign. As soon as he noticed, his foot immediately landed on the brake pedal.

“I’m auditioning for the next Justin Bieber video!” I squealed with exaggerated enthusiasm.

“Really?”

“No,” I replied blankly, trying not to laugh at Logan’s expression of disbelief.

“Damn, you’re pretty good. Seriously though, what is it?”

“It’s an audition for Varsity Vampires 3,” I said, trying my hardest to keep a straight face, though it was difficult with Logan glancing at me from the corner of his eyes as he drove.

“Actually, that is a pretty big deal. Those movies are like, summer blockbuster big,” he remarked thoughtfully instead of spitting out some smartass comeback.

“I know. This could be really big for me.” I could hear the words linger in the air, but my eyes were focused on the cars that passed us by.

“Well, I wish you luck,” Logan said, and even though it seemed like forever since we’d spoken, the conviction in his voice proved his honesty.

“Thanks.”

Even though it’d only been about ten days since the party, there was a world of distance between us.

That was what I had wanted, right? Distance.

At the casting office, Logan sat with me in the waiting area, and I gripped his hand as the lady called each person back, one at a time, anxiously awaiting the moment when it would be my name that she called. I felt like my heart was about to explode through my skin, and I know that sounds sort of ridiculous and cliché, but words can’t describe how torn up I was at that moment.

The scariest part of the whole situation was that if this became my career, I would have to go through this process on an almost daily basis and sit in rooms similar to this and feel this gnawing in my gut every single time.

“Kandi Jenkins?”

Logan had to shake my shoulder before I realized that she had called my name.

As I rose to my feet, I took a deep breath and followed the woman into the adjacent room.

The woman took a seat behind a desk and handed me a script. “Hi Miss Jenkins, could you please read for Addison? Tony here will be reading Ethan’s lines.” She motioned towards the Taylor Lautner look-a-like sitting in a plastic chair in front of her desk.

I nodded and took my place in front of the camera, my eyes skimming over the lines quickly as I tried to get the gist of things and tie each phrase to a gesture or expression. Of course, they would give me a cheesy love scene.

“You can start whenever your ready,” the woman replied, and even though her voice was soft, I could tell that she was trying to rush me.

I shook my shoulders out a little before staring into the camera head-on. Just because Kandi felt like the room was spinning around her didn’t mean that Addison’s feet weren’t firmly planted on the ground.

And just like my reading before, I went through the lines, losing myself for a moment in time, but this time I didn’t feel as nervous. When I finished my scene with Tony, I actually felt pretty good about my performance.

“Thank you, Miss Jenkins. You’ll know by five PM if you’re getting a callback.”

“Thanks,” I replied as I laid the script on her desk and practically bolted through the door.

I immediately felt better as soon as I saw Logan’s familiar face in the room full of strangers, and I could feel my normal laid-back self begin to creep back into my muscles.

“So how did it go?” he asked as he sat aside the magazine he’d been flipping through. He seemed more excited about the possibility of my career taking off than I felt.

“Actually, I think it went really well,” I fibbed a little, and I could feel that nervous reaction of my teeth sinking into my lower lip. “Probably just jinxed myself. Anyways, I don’t find out until five.”

I’m not really sure what caused me to hug Logan Mitchell in the middle of that waiting room with all of those people staring, but I did. There was just something insanely comforting in the gesture: the way Logan’s arms felt around me, the way even his scent seemed calming. And I didn’t care if he was dating Camille or talking to some other girl or whatever, I wasn’t going to let it get in the way of this.

I wasn’t going to let anyone keep Logan from being my friend.

“Will you wait with me?”