Aim High, Never Rest

My eyes hardly blinked. The lights kept flashing on and off, on and off, on and off. I don't really care at this point. I'm in one of the ten photo shoots Katie signed me up to. 

Now I'm signed up for this ad for a new branch of perfume. It supposed to have a tropical flavor because now I'm hovering over a palm tree in a forest with nothing but leave covered two piece clothing. 

I have to say that I feel rather uncomfortable in a grassy bra and panties. But I need this dream to come true. The thought of Cassie envying me brought my determination up. I need to be the best, I need to be sexy and glorify the world. Cassie would hate me and wish she never called me fat. 

Although, I still am.

That's why Carlos preferred the Jennifer's over me in a heartbeat. All three of them are skinny, have nice slim figures. They are gorgeous, perfect, everything I'm not. 

I need to develop a logical method to lose some weight and gain a perfect body. That way, Carlos might actually pay attention to me, look at me in more than a friend. I want him all over me like he is to the Jennifer's.

They don't pay attention to him, treating him like vermin instead. They push him around, act like he's not worth her time. To them, he is not good enough. Their theory made me feel like shit. 

I want Carlos to myself. He is nice and funny. He is the only person to ever consider me beautiful or pretty. Too bad he doesn't find me gorgeous like the trio of arrogant hussies. His innocent chocolate brown eyes drawn me in, he made me feel comfortable with myself somehow. It's what he is that brought me affection for him. 

This sucks ass.

If only he would look at me.

"Hannah baby, look into the lens, sexy, come on" the photographer cooed, beckoning me to give the media some more.

I pressed my mid torso closer to the tree and pouted at the camera the photographer was behind.

"Good, I like that! Sexy!" he yelled enthusiastically.

I remain in that position and watch more flashes harass my eyes. 

This is getting sickening when the only object of matter in my head is Carlos.

The guy who only see me as the girl next door. He doesn't see that I want more than that which brings me on the edge of depression. How did this get so bad? When Carlos rubbed his Carlosness off on me. 

Damn it.

My lips then parted slightly, eyes intense. The suggestive look I had on looked to be about to leave the photographer and the crew members squirming, because most of them are frozen in their place, shock written all over their faces.

Wow, if I had that effect on them, why won't Carlos like me like he does to the Jennifer's. If my name was Jennifer, would he like me better? In a more affectionate way?

Fuck this, I'm on the road to making myself prettier. Carlos likes people like that trio. I need to Jenniferize myself if I want to win his heart.

"One more, babe" the photographer demanded for one more round of pictures.

I leaned against the palm trees holding the perfume bottle with one hand and lightly stroking the tree leaves with my other. My body composition was set, more flashes. My mind translated back into Carlos. 

It seems like he's the only person in my mind lately. 

My parents don't mean crap at this point. I make money, give them money. They don't care. I go to my room, ignore Cassie and sleep.

Go meet Carlos in the lobby on occasion and tag along Katie to various photo shoots. 

That's my life with Carlos in my head at all times.

The idea of love never occurred much to me but I always dreamed about being with a nice, letting go type of guy who doesn't care much for image and wealth. In Florida, I only see the ones I despise. When in this new place, Carlos brought my mind into a whirlwind of the same emotions.

He is the guy I've always dreamed of having and spending the rest of my life with. He is the prince charming that sweeps me off my feet. He is crazy, energetic, and just outgoing. Carlos do what he wants to do, not caring if he comes off as silly and overexcited. His stunts always brings reassurance to me, telling me that people are not what I always expected them to be.

"That's a wrap for today" 

And I was brought to change from my uncomfortable set of attire. 

Makeup artists hovered over me, removing my complicated makeup. I sat there. Just simply thinking. About Carlos and how I will make myself more attractive to him.

What will I do, honestly? Lose weight? My hand reached to my stomach. Running over it softly, I feel a blob of fat. 

I grimace, wanting to cry immediately. I feel some meat in there, showing me that I have body fat.

What a fatass, no wonder Carlos don't love you!

Tears welled up in my eyes at this moment. Cassie and her group of fakes were right all along. I might have tried to push the comments back and ignore them. But it got to me. I was losing contact with my self esteem. Moving to California brought it back up since the modeling job. Feeling my fat belly made everything worst.

What was I thinking, believing I'm skinny?

I was brought outside the building. A limo was there, waiting for Katie and I. 

She offered me to go in first, looking all sophisticated in her suit and sunglasses. I did because if she caught sight of my face, she will sense something. I feel even lucky that the makeup artists didn't say anything. If they did notice my change in emotions, then they obviously don't care.

I don't care if they don't. I just want Carlos to.

But he shouldn't find out when he's only attracted to the plastic barbies.

The plastic barbies I want to be so badly.

The limo drove to Palm Woods in five minutes. I noticed that it wasn't far from the studio and the landscape the shoot was in. Whatever, as soon as I can go back to my room and write up some plans to starve myself.

I deserve it.

Carlos would appreciate my effort and I'd be skinny and beautiful.

My dream would come true.

Katie got out the car and nudged me to do the same. I did absentmindedly though. I wasn't in the mood to think of the present time. Everything sucks so much that it just hovers over my thinking span.

Ugh, if Carlos paid attention to me, I wouldn't be stuck in this situation right now.

I walked into Palm Woods with Katie beside me.

The lobby was pretty busy because now is almost dinner time. People crowded the lobby to meet up with their friends to enjoy a hardy meal together. 

A meal I would not be paying mind to.

"There you are!" the familiar cheery voice exclaimed.

I forced a smile because I didn't want him to think something wrong. He needed the impression that everything is fine in my world.

"Hey" I turned to Carlos who excitedly hopped to me. He looked like he is in the middle of a sugar rush, but he is always like this. 

I don't find his behavior surprising which draws me into him even more. 

"I've been looking all over for you. I thought you would be back by now. They kept you late, didn't they?" Carlos continued talking as if my world wasn't corrupting because of his lack of love for me.

His dimples nearly made me swoon over. It's just so damn intriguing. Ugh, this sucks.

"Yeah, kept me late" I mumbled.

"Let's go eat dinner! Mrs. Knight has a bunch of hash browns ready to be eaten" before I could object, I was pulled into the elevator.

Looks like I might be eating tonight.

Carlos pressed the second floor button and we are on our way to their room. We are alone in the elevator now. If I didn't know better, I would have kissed him right there.

If only he see me as more than a friend.