Aim High, Never Rest

The next morning, I was back in the plain white-walled waiting room, thumbing absentmindedly through an issue of Cosmo, except this time, I was alone. Though the Palm Woods school had a pretty lenient policy when it came to absences, considering the line of work that all of its students were in, I couldn’t exactly yank Logan out of class to come to the callback with me. Maybe that was a good thing. I still didn’t know exactly what to say to him after the awkward situation in the guys’ apartment.

But I didn’t really have time to worry about Logan, not with the pressure of this final audition looming over me. He had been right; this was big. Bigger than anything I’d ever imagined.

As my line of vision wandered upwards over the pages of the magazine, I couldn’t help but check out the competition, the three other girls scattered along the opposite walls of the room. All of them had the same coloration, and it became obvious that the casting agency had been after a certain look: fair skin, brown eyes, brown hair. I hoped to god that they weren’t trying to make this film a rip-off of Twilight as I recalled the Taylor Launter lookalike I’d auditioned with previously.

Kandi Jenkins doesn’t exactly do Bella Swan well.

One girl was in the corner of the room, rapidly texting on her Blackberry. Her glossy chocolate locks sleekly framed her face, and she sported a black blazer, white blouse, and primly creased jeans. I mentally cursed at myself for not dressing more professionally, clad in a flowing ivory top, jeans, and flats.

Another girl was seated down the aisle from me, her legs crossed as she doodled in the margins of a notepad.

All these other girls seemed so prepared, so calm and collected, that I couldn’t help but feel a bit inferior. And a part of me couldn’t help but wish that Logan was there with me.

I didn’t have much time to feel self-conscious, my thoughts interrupted as a girl exited the adjoining room. Her face was flushed, a rosy hue adorning her cheeks as her gaze lingered on the door as it swung shut behind her. Her glowing reaction wasn’t good news for me, but I didn’t really have time to process it as Ms. Hart poked her head through the cracked door, calling my name in her casual, carefree tone.

“Miss Jenkins? You can come on back now.”

I obliged, trying to appear as confident as possible as I strolled into the next room, the same small room I’d been in only the day before. As I stood at the desk, I made sure to stand up straight, relaxing my shoulders to make myself look less tense, twisting my lips into a friendly smile. All these gestures that, under any other circumstances, would’ve come naturally to me but right now, were forced.

I guess it’s all just a part of acting, or life in general. You’re brought up to basically become a social chameleon, to be able to shift your colors and adapt to each facet of your world. And after a while, after all of that shifting and adjusting, it’s hard to remember which parts of you are real and which ones are just acquired to please other people. We spend most of our lives denying who we really are.

“Hi Kandi,” Sheila greeted me as she flashed me a wide, straight-toothed grin. She passed me a script over her desk, same as last time, with a good chunk of the page highlighted in fluorescent yellow. “Here’s your script. You’ll be reading for Addison again, but this time, we’d like to see how you do reading with your costar,” she explained, and I could hear the door at the opposite side of the room softly clink closed before my eyes flickered over to where the sound had come from.

Walking towards me was none other than Dak Zevon. Dak fucking Zevon, one of the most successful young actors on the circuit right now.

I immediately felt my heart begin to pound more rapidly in my chest as he approached, my cheeks growing embarrassingly hot from his present. This was so not me, but I couldn’t get myself to snap back to normal. This must’ve been exactly how the girl I’d passed on the way in had felt.

But it all fell into place quickly. Auditioning alongside Dak Zevon was more than just an opportunity, it was a test.

Though I couldn’t deny how attractive he was, I had to at least make an effort in order to shake how completely starstruck I felt. Instead of faltering over how blue his eyes were, I concentrated on whatever little imperfections I could find, such as how broad his facial features were and how his nose was slightly crooked. I concentrated on those bits and pieces until he became just another person.

“Okay, Dak’ll start off by reading Ethan’s monologue on the first page, and Kandi, you’ll pick up after that and continue on for the rest of the highlighted lines,” Sheila instructed, adjusting her glasses on her nose before leaning back casually in her chair.

Dak practically breezed through his monologue, each line spoken with an effortless and natural passion as he declared his love for me, or rather, as Ethan declared his love for Addison. It was slightly intimidating to be in the presence of such talent, but Dak also bought me the time that I needed to fall into character. Thankfully, I was already somewhat familiar with the character from my previous audition, so it was easier to let myself fade into the background as I slipped on this new outlook on life.

If a vampire were standing there declaring his love for me, I personally would’ve been a little sketched out, not only because romance is a little frightening for me, but because of the whole vampire thing. To Addison though, this was exactly what she wanted. Though she was cautious of Ethan’s lifestyle, she couldn’t deny that she felt something for him, a feeling that she couldn’t really ignore, regardless of who he was.

So with all of this in mind, I read my lines, my voice depicting the perfect combination of wariness and affection. My hand fluttered to my hair flirtatiously, subtly twirling a lock around my finger as Dak read his reply.

It felt good to immerse myself in another world, to become another person, if only just for a moment. These days, my life was just so crazy, and it was a relief to distract myself with fictional problems. And for once, Logan wasn’t seeping through my every thought.

I guess, in a weird way, my new career was therapy, as unhealthy as that sounds.

The audition ended as quickly as it had begun, with quick goodbyes exchanged between Dak, Sheila, and I and a promise for another call sometime later this evening. Everything just felt so right, but I didn’t want to let it go to my head. I had a thing about not getting my hopes up, a defense against disappointment.

My mind was a bit foggy on my drive back to the Palm Woods, and I contemplated skipping class for the rest of the day, though I wasn’t sure if my mom was at home or not. The only class I had left for the day was English, and I’d already read the book we were discussing in class, so I didn’t really see the point.

As I walked through the heavy French doors and into the lobby, I noticed Hannah sitting in one of the sofas, a fashion magazine in her hands as her eyes gazed wistfully through the glass door and out into the pool area.

Still reluctant to drag myself into class, I stole the empty seat beside her.

“Hey Hannah, what’s up?” I asked casually as I tucked an annoying strand of hair behind my ear. I hadn’t really seen much of her around the building lately, so I hoped she was doing okay.

“Nothing much, just got out of a shoot,” she replied, a half-hearted smile softening her classically beautiful features. “What about you?”

“Just got back from an audition,” I laughed. I could tell something was on her mind, but I didn’t want to push it. I already felt like I was getting too caught up in enough of the residents’ lives, I wasn’t trying to get pulled down any deeper.

I had ninety-nine problems of my own to sort out, I couldn’t handle anyone else’s at the moment. I already had promised to assist James in his pursuit of Carley, and I had my hands tied up in trying to keep the peace between Maxine and Jo, Maxine and Carley, basically Maxine and everyone. But I had trouble ignoring the silent suffering in Hannah’s eyes, no matter how much I was trying to distance myself.

We made more small talk about how our careers were going, and I asked how she was settling in, all the while, her eyes kept drifting back towards the pool. I followed her gaze, my eyes landing on Carlos sitting at the edge of the pool with the Jennifers, and as I looked back to Hannah, I recognized the hopeless expression in her stare. Her eyes mirrored Logan’s that afternoon when I saw him in the lobby with Camille, that same look of dejection, sharp like a stab in the gut.

I remembered reading somewhere that the person we love and the person who loves us are never the same person.

Maybe I should give up being an actress and just go into couples counseling. Apparently I’m better at solving other people’s problems than I am my own.

I leaned closer to her. “Why don’t you just go out there?”

She didn’t say anything, but from the way her expression shifted, I could tell she was contemplating my suggestion. Whatever motivation she had to join them was pushed away instantly, her eyes retaining that lovelorn glow.

“I’m kind of busy right now,” she mumbled, nodding towards the magazine in her grip. “Plus it’s really too hot to be out there anyway.”

I nodded as I stood up. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around. We should definitely get together and hang out sometime when we aren’t crazy busy.”

As I walked towards the elevator, I couldn’t help but take one last look at the scene by the pool. Carlos was a great guy, so I couldn’t really understand what he saw in the Jennifers. Sure, they were all gorgeous, but they were so self-righteous, so convinced that they were better than all of the other girls at the Palm Woods. I couldn’t mesh what a sweet guy like Carlos would want with those Mean Girls wannabes, but I could only hope that he’d come around soon. I didn’t like seeing Hannah like that.

The elevator doors slowly slid open, and I was instantly face-to-face with Logan on the other side.

“Hey,” I said, trying to act like things were completely normal between us. “Why aren’t you in class? Are you guys ditching today or something?”

He rolled his eyes. “Nope. Gustavo called us into the studio this morning to test out some tracks, but something messed up with the soundboard, so he let us loose until it gets fixed.”

“So you’re basically glorified ditching.”

“Pretty much,” he laughed. “What about you? You aren’t exactly the picture of perfect attendance right now.”

“Well I had my callback this morning, so I have a valid reason.”

“Oh yeah, how did that go?” he asked as he edged over to keep from blocking the elevator.

“Um, I don’t wanna jinx myself, but I think I did really well. I had to read with Dak Zevon, which was totally out of left field.”

“Cool. Dak was in the studio with us before; he’s a cool guy.”

“He’s really good at what he does,” I admitted. “Anyways, are you busy right now? Maybe we could go get a bite to eat. I mean, you were a pretty decent good luck charm last time.”

His eyes wandered to the floor as his expression softened. “Actually, I told Carlos I’d take him to this pizzeria across town that he’s been dying to go to for weeks, but you’re more than welcome to come. It’s not like Carlos will mind.”

“Awesome, count me in. I’m down with anything that involves pizza.” My eyes shifted back to Hannah still sitting on the sofa. “Is it okay if I bring a friend along?”

Logan shrugged. “Sure. The more the merrier.”

“Thanks.” I flashed him a quick smile. “Hey Hannah, would you like to go out for lunch with us?”

Though I wasn’t technically getting involved, I saw nothing wrong with setting the wheels in motion.