Aim High, Never Rest

I just looked down at my tiny scribbles while the history teacher blabbered on about World War 2. Honestly, I’d usually pay attention when school is involved. But what is wrong with me this time? Why am I so stupid all of a sudden?

I suppressed a yawn and continued to doodle in my blank notebook. I find myself so drawn into my unprofessional drawings that I no longer remember my purpose here. I forgot that I have to listen to the teacher state significant facts for an upcoming test.

Something drained my life from me. Something is wrong.

A yawn broke out from the back of the classroom, making me turn back and smirk at the tired form of James. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the hard chair. The epitome of disinterest.

“Hannah, are you going to answer my question or not?” someone asked sternly from the front of the room.

I jumped, stifling a squeak and turned to the teacher. Her eyebrows rose and she continued to stare me down, expecting some kind of answer.

“Huh?”

From the corner of my eyes, I see Maxine smirk at my confusion. At this moment, I hated myself more than anyone in this classroom.

The smug look on her face made me doubt myself. It made me think about how much of a dumbass I am. I had no idea what was going on, and I am stupid.

“Would you care to answer the question? Since you are paying attention?” the teacher spoke with apparent sarcasm.

I stared at her dumbly, wondering what the question was.

“Can you…”

“Why was it a bad idea for Hitler to give up aggression for the British?”

What? What the hell is she talking about? I know Adolf Hitler. He was the dictator guy who ruled Germany and killed a lot of Jews. What did he ever do to Britain? I have no idea. Maybe I’m too stupid to attain knowledge. I’m so ugly, fat, and stupid. Why am I even living?

“I’m sorry I don’t know” I looked down at my hands, trying to prevent my tears from swelling up in my eyes.

I don’t know why I’m even here. I’m nothing but a waste of space. I have no brains, I am not beautiful, I am oversized, and I am a sensitive freak.

“Very well then, Logan, why don’t you answer the question for Miss Roberts here” the teacher looked away from me, bringing her attention to Logan, her most favorable student.

Logan answered the question gladly in the form of many words. I just watch his mouth move in envy. Why can’t I be smart like him? I want to be intelligent, to feel like I’m worth something. But I don’t even know the answer to the simplest history question that all citizens of American might know.

How embarrassing! I am a disgrace to this whole nation.

The bell rang and everyone scattered out of the classroom. I sighed inwardly and got up from my seat to gather my things. After I stuffed all my books in my LG handbag, I made my way out the room.

“Beauty but no brains” someone mumbled from behind me.

I turn back in alarm and I knew I shouldn’t be surprised. Maxine was still smirking at me in her stupid leather jacket. Her arms are folded across her chest as if she’s the chilliest person in the world.

I hate her so much just for saying whatever she just said. I hate her for encouraging the low self-esteem I have developed. A physical attack would not solve any problems. Maxine might be able to beat me up anyways, no matter how fat I am.

So the only action I wanted to take was patronizing her. If I can stand for myself against this monster, then I can stand for many things in life. If I take a stance and find myself willing of trying, I will get better. I will feel better about myself. I will be smart and beautiful and skinny.

But I need to get through this bitch first.

“You shouldn’t judge me, you don’t know anything” I said, turning away and walking out of the classroom.

I heard the sound of Maxine’s black leather boot click against the floor, knowing that she is following me. I tried to make myself feel better. I made Maxine anxious for argument. My only goal now is to win the verbal fight.

Is that possible?

“Well the question is so simple, how can you not answer it?”

I clenched my teeth, wanting to lash out on her already. The point of this confrontation is to make myself feel better, more soothing. But if I can’t control my emotions, everything will backlash and I might not be able to sleep tonight due to sorrow.

“How would you answer it if she asked you, Maxine?” I challenged, hoping she sucks at history. If she proves me wrong, I would be embarrassed; I would be ashamed to even live in the same hotel with her.

“I would answer about Germany’s following loses against Russian, giving other countries time to form alliance and overthrow him”

I stopped; all of my previous counterarguments cleared my head. I did not expect Maxine to know that.

“But you still can’t judge me, because things like that hurt. They really do” I said honestly,

Maxine shrugged nonchalantly, walking past me to reach the lobby. Mr. Bitters was behind the counter, as always, being a respectable man as I expected him to be.

But then a new accomplishment popped into my head. Maxine may be a bitch and hard to bear, but she is still one of us. She is the living body of people, media, etc. She can help me greatly if I ask for the help. But I’m only a stranger she hates.

“Maxine” I called out. She turned back to me and raised an eyebrow.

I knew I needed to try to get on her good side if I’m trying to make myself useful. I need to see if I’m capable of such thing.

“You like music, right?” I asked, a bit uncertain.

She continued to stare at me as if I was crazy. I feel like it is so hard to get through her. That stare she’s giving me is a bit frightening and intimidating. But I will not give up.

“I need to listen to some music to help inspire me in some ways. Can you tell me what bands you like?” I asked.

Her expression changed a bit and suddenly she looked a bit interested. I was proud of myself. For such a tough girl, she found interest in considering my offer. It has to do with her undying love for music, probably.

“Check out my favorite band, Kill Hannah, then” she said, shrugging.

My eyes widened. Kill Hannah? Is this chick crazy? She’s freaking insane, if you ask me. That explains why people don’t like her. Why can’t she be nice for just one second and try to be civil, not mocking the use of my name and not trying to threaten my death? Did she want to get rid of my existence just like everybody else? Am I that worthless that people wanted me gone?

“Are you kidding?” I asked, voice small.

She walked over to me and whipped out her iPod. She messed around with it for a few seconds and flashed the screen in my face.

Black Poison Blood
Kill Hannah
Until There’s Nothing Left Of Us

I suddenly feel very stupid for assuming these things about Maxine. But it’s so weird and ironic that a band would want to kill me so badly. They probably know how fat and stupid I am. That is why they dedicate a band name to me, wanting my ugliness to disappear.

“Oh”

She looked at me with an unreadable expression and I wanted to know what she was thinking. She hates me like she hates everybody else, but was the reason of her hatred for me the same as the reason she hates everybody else? I wanted to know.

“Maxine” a masculine voice called from a distance.

We both turned to the source of the voice and I’m a bit surprised. This man was the band lead singer everyone was gushing about, and I swear I’ve heard Carley getting excited about him or something. Jordan, that’s his name.

“Hey” Maxine walked over to him and jumped into his arms, letting him kiss her delicately on the cheek.

What the hell? How can someone so cold blooded get a boyfriend? Maybe she is very attractive and not fat. And she’s not stupid because she knew the answer to that history question about Hitler.

I shuddered in disgust and turned away from them. I thought I saw Mercedes Griffin from the corner of my eyes and I quickly turned and watch her wander around, probably looking for someone.

She is so beautiful, and I can’t help but envy her beauty.

Then I saw Carley come into the hotel for some weird reason. She wasn’t in class today so she might have a shoot or audition or something. But she didn’t walk to the elevator like any usual resident would. She walked over to a plant or whoever was behind the plant.

I just let myself stand in the middle of the lobby like an idiot and a few seconds later, James was screaming and dragging Carley across the lobby, causing commotion. Everyone looked around, staring curiously at them.

Mercedes whipped her head around and went after them. Unfortunately, the elevator door closed before she could get through.

I almost wanted to laugh. But someone in my heart told me that I don’t deserve to laugh.

“Hey Hannah!” a familiar voice shouted.

My heart immediately changed its mood and a smile broke out on my face. I turned around and grinned at Carlos. He dashed over to me excitedly with two smoothies in either hand.

“I got this for you” he handed me the pink smoothie and started sipping from the blue one.

“What’s up, Carlos?” I asked.

“You and me, movies, Saturday, please, I, really, want, to hang out” he said in separate phrasing for some reason.

I had to slap myself a few times and make sure this wasn’t a dream. Carlos is so freaking amazing, why would he want to go to the movies with me? We did go once when Kendall, Logan, and James suggested it but that’s different. Now he is asking because he wanted to, not his friends.

“Yes Carlos” I replied.

“Yay!” he exclaimed, pulling me into a tight hug.

I never wanted him to let go.