Aim High, Never Rest

The guys and I are once again in Hawk’s office, this time, listening to his excited rant about our new release. His dark eyes widened in a metaphorical smile as his lips moved rapidly in a series of useless mumbles. I decide to ignore him and not waste my time trying to catch what he is going on about. It must not be as important as the news of our EP release itself.

I am sitting on one of Hawk’s infamous leather chairs, mentally rolling my eyes at the sound of leather as I shifted my position slightly. The black leather on the chair conflicted with the similar material of my dark leather lingerie. Having leather brush against every god damned inch of my skin is irritating enough. Tolerating Hawk’s chairs, it is hard not to get frustrated every time a feeling of discomfort follows my every movement on that stupid thing.

The combination of leather with itself is not a good mixture. I am the living proof of the discomfort of leather madness.

“Aside from the booming success of your first-day album sales, I have made a wonderful first attempt at promoting the band” Hawk’s mumbling finally ceased as his train of thoughts landed on something more important.

Tyson’s posture straightened when I eyed him from the corner of my eyes. The drummer got rid of his glasses, as he was told; his usual attire of colorful T-shirts and jeans completely vanished in exchange of black colored wife beaters, the accompaniment of leather jacket and pants; and even if he was reluctant at first, jet black eyeliner adorned his almond shaped eyes. His position on my right unnerved me, despite the fact that the aura he passed is the exact opposite.

I took a flick of a moment to check on my other two band mates. Alike Tyson, they are both dressed in leather jackets and leather pants. But at least Hawk gave them the freedom to put a bit of their own flare on this new style. So instead of wearing a badass under-layer, Collin purposely wore a mismatched sweater vest that looked like it could belong to Logan or something. Truth to be told, I wouldn’t doubt that he asked Logan for his tense-looking piece of clothing in attempt to piss Hawk off.

After all, it has been a routine for Collin to walk in Hawk’s office with a way to force the boiling of his blood. Last Tuesday, he walked in with Carlos’ white hockey mask on his head and refused to remove it when Hawk asked him to do so. The day after that, Wednesday, he averted his attention from Hawk’s lecture on marketing so he could play fruit ninja on his iPhone. It is apparent that Hawk has given up on scolding him when he showed up on Thursday with a vibrant-red trapper hat sheltering his bleach blonde locks.

As of right now, Hawk pretends to lack acknowledgement to Collin’s attempts to fall out of place in contrast to the rest of us. While the boss-man disregards our bass player, the three of us has been putting in our best effort to make up for Collin’s behavior. Nathan actually got off his lazy ass and stalked away to the employee’s lounge in order to make Hawk coffee in the morning. Tyson finally put aside his textbooks and showed no interest to his studies in the presence of the producer. I, half-heartedly, bit my tongue every time I feel like throwing out a mean remark upon to him patronizing me.

With the exception of Collin, we all have been working our asses off to simplify Hawk’s job for him. He better be appreciating this. I normally would prefer to suffocate myself rather than swallow my own words.

“What? Are you going to get an audience for Maxine to striptease?” Collin scoffed pathetically, folding both arms across his chest.

Subconsciously—or most likely on purpose, he placed both his feet on the left corner of Hawk’s black mahogany table. The dark-skinned man, as he had been doing lately, pretended not to notice the poor manner of the once-so-disciplined boy. Not only did he not acknowledge the extra pair of feet on his desk, but he refused to recognize the words that spilled out of the blonde’s mouth.

“Wow, we got a badass over here” Nathan teased, in a more playful way than I would have hoped.

Collin returned his comment with a laugh, and I know that laugh from anywhere. It sounds like the pride he gets when he accomplishes something he so desired to. Usually, it would be normal for Collin to throw around that laugh, but this time it felt wrong. Instead of the bright smile and the glow of happiness radiating off his skin, there is this bitterness that I feel does not look good on him. It’s not just the bitterness that unsettles me, it’s also the dry humor in his voice every time he threw around a remark or comment.

This is not Collin and everybody knows it. As I wouldn’t admit it out loud, a part of me ached with chest pains that this new-possessed energy poisoned the mind of my best friend. However, another part of me wanted to be angry with him for turning his back on us and speaking to us acrimoniously in manner. Sometimes I feel quite ambivalent on how I should act around him, like being stuck on top of the fence—unsure of which side to hop off of. But I turned to the best alternative that suits me and my new identity better—full-on bitch out.

Treating Collin with a new type of bitterness is something I find distressing because I feel like a completely different person. As much of a cold-hearted bitch I am, I never treat my best friend with sincere hatred and annoyance. It was always somewhere in-between, where I put on this type of charade but open a barrier to let me be myself at the same time. Now with my identity stripped off of my body and my best friend’s sudden indifference, the only resolution to the concern is to muster up emotional courage to treat him with the same type of dissented remarks.

“The editor of Restless Style, one of the more late teen-young adult centered magazines, has contacted me this morning in request of Maxine’s appearance on the new Young Hollywood Talent issue of the spread” Hawk finally announced, without glancing back at Collin and his pessimistic attitude.

I remember Logan Mitchell’s older sister giving me my usually-received looks when I met her in the hotel lobby on occasions. What I’ve heard from the gossips of Palm Woods, I learned that she was some kind of top notch editor for Restless Style and most of the residents are coming up with various ways to confront her, as an attempt to grasp her attention and land a spot on the magazine. Obviously, they were unsuccessful because I can sense their smell of desperation from a mile away and it’s appalling really.

So the weird looks from Chloe Mitchell aren’t all that bad after all, which proves Hawk’s point. I dressed the way I am now because of his request. Without my attention-grabbing image, Chloe would never have noticed me—associating me with just another face amongst the crowd. I don’t think I should ever complain about my attire again, because the producer, who has had many years of experience, knows the right tools to climb the latter of success.

“That’s great, Maxine!” Tyson exclaimed optimistically, passing me an encouraging smile that I really need right now.

This point of my career is quite scary because everything is moving so fast, even faster than I expected. Just a few months ago, I was dragging my heavy guitar case up to the elevator of Palm Woods as a self-confident nobody; flash forward, I am sitting in a producer’s office conversing about a feature in a decently renowned magazine. Despite my arrogance of achieving success, my knowing of our potential to make it this far, I just never really imagined how this would all feel like. Somewhere in me is falling apart because someone who actually is important to me is not adjusting to the change, but for once, I am glad that Tyson at least attempts to put on a brave face and push me forward.

I almost uttered out a word of thanks to him, but caught myself before my brain sends the message to my vocal chords. My reputation would be bruised if I ever got caught thanking someone for a mere compliment or positive encouragement. It is not worth it.

“I have to warn you that the editor’s brother is from Gustavo’s group of moneymakers and I cannot tolerate the thought of involving my project with his. But Restless Style will feature a series of photo shoots for the issue and you will be collaborating with Big Time Rush to make this project work” some type of grimace formed on his dark face as he mentioned the group’s name.

Collin cleared his throat loudly at that and decided that it was the perfect moment to speak up. I rolled my eyes at his eagerness to ruin my successes and accomplishments but decided to keep quiet for the sake of my fear to go at him.

“The guys of Big Time Rush are my friends, and I’d like to say—most of our friends” his eyes flickered to Nathan and Tyson as they nodded in agreement.

I stifled a growl as my teeth sank in the inside of my lips. Collin is trying to sabotage me by getting Tyson and Nathan on his side. This feeling of my best friend against me is not a good one. But if he thinks he is so fit to fight, he will be discouraged when I fight back better and harder.

“And I do not appreciate you talking about my friends like that” the blonde spat out, narrowing his eyes at our CEO producer.

This guy has no sense of respect for the guy at all and it unsettles me that this Collin is living in my presence every day. I sometimes get the feeling that Collin doesn’t want this as much as we do anymore. Hawk is the guy to make us famous but he felt the need to decline his propositions and be the badass to rebel against him. Collin is sticking to breaking away from Hawk’s imagine of fame, meaning that his determination is nowhere near the height of ours right now. I don’t know him anymore, and that is indeed the sad truth.

Our producer returned the same look of disgust to the bleach blonde and I can sense the uncomfortable tension in the room. Collin was never the one to create discomfort through anger, hardly anger. It’s been just about two weeks and I still can’t get myself to adjust to his new attitude. Honestly, I’ve never seen so much anger in a guy before. Not even I, the supposedly-angry-bitch, can throw a bitch fit at Kendall like Collin to Hawk.

A part of me always is impressed by this new ability of his.

“This session is over. You guys are amazing as always. Good luck promoting the EP and do not disappoint me. Maxine, the schedule for the shoot is next week. We will speak more of it in the coming days. As of now, enjoy the day off and get into the hype of this very important day”

Hawk brushed off Collin’s snide comment as if it never existed. I find that quite relieving, actually. It’s as if for once, I’m not the one being picked on for glossing up my attitude toward everyone else. But if Hawk retaliated with another harsh comment, then this verbal warfare will go on and it can ruin this perfectly wonderful day. We get a break day and endure the pride of our released work.

The four of us left our chairs almost simultaneously and followed Collin’s quick pace out the door. I pushed past the other two to catch up with my former best friend, now that it’s mentioned. His storm out the building is quite intimidating and it looks kind of awkward on him. This is something that needs getting used to. To see a once-calm and collected person swagger around in the fit of rage is quite uncomfortable to experience—especially when you live with that person.

I advanced on him with a shove from behind. He stopped abruptly and looked over at me with this frustrated look of expectancy.

“What’s it to you?” I asked in caution of the volume level in my voice.

His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes itself hardened its gaze on me. Suddenly, I feel very small. Normally, it is the other way around. Collin would say something wrong and I would be the one to give him the killer look in my fit of anger. This vice-versa thing is not really working out for me. Getting the receiving end of the cold glare is not a good feeling. I feel so out of power and authority, pretty much unlike my usual self.

It was as if I was back home in Manhattan in a family household where I learned that I will never be capable of true friendship and love. In that household, I always felt like an intimidated mouse compared to a monstrous cat with razor-sharp teeth. My life at home, or whatever it was called, is the feeling of inferiority; the lack of voice and dignity. I did not carry the authority and the sacred strength in me to be the invincible Maxine.

With this Collin pitched against me, I feel like that Maxine.

“Maybe you should stop worrying about me and more about your individual photo shoot, since you are the center of attention. You are the only importance in this band, right? So why should it matter how I feel right? Since you are going to be so famous and loved, who cares about the background shadows?” his response is filled with dark sarcasm, the dry humor that made every bone in my body cringe.

I am suddenly losing touch with my strength, the arrogance and the over-confidence. This Collin is stripping my Maxine-trademark off of me. At this point, he is just taking advantage of my vulnerability. I just realized that two can play the game.

“You know, I heard that Chloe Mitchell is recruiting Carley Turner as another contributing member of our team. It’s too bad that you won’t be able to come along and make your move on her. Well wait, I heard that her unbreakable friendship with James is restored which means you have competition” the vitriolic me decided to seep through with a comment like this.

If I were in my right mind, I would never throw a hurtful comment like this to him. Anyone else in the world, fine, I’d shamelessly throw a remark like that without feeling an inch of guilt in my body.

I looked up and brought myself to smirk at his reaction. His electric blue eyes glistened a bit, a soft look of vulnerability that flashed for less than a second. If I didn’t examine him soon enough, I would have missed it.

“Screw you, Maxine” he muttered.

He turned away and continued in his stride out the building. I, of course, am still determined to catch up with him and mess with his weak spot. Maybe it’ll set him straight.

“Maxine, just leave it alone” I hear Tyson say behind me. A tint of worry in his voice is just what I need to pull back from the determination of striking back at Collin, hence my sarcasm.

“Oh, I forgot! You have no chance with her because she is infatuated with James. Well, I’m sorry you have no chance with her, but if you keep this attitude up, she will hate you rather than agreeing to be friends with you” I spat out, volume rising this time.

Some employees sidetracked from their tasks to glance at our commotion down the hallway. As soon as they learned of me and Collin’s disagreement, their heads quickly turned away.

“Maxine” even Nathan decided to butt into my attempt at cracking at him.

I can’t help but feel a bit betrayed that the other two are siding with Collin. They are my friends too! Besides, I’m not the one acting like a stubborn little bitch.

“Think you’re such a smartass? I may not have a chance with Carley but she is not in love with James. Remember that she was mackin’ on your ex-boyfriend? Remember, the one who feared telling you of his departure?” Collin shot back, stopping his pace to face me in his diss.

I stopped because I can’t admit that the mention of Jordan hurt me. He was a soft spot in my heart and he still is to this day, unfortunately. When I decided to attack at Collin’s vulnerability, I forgot that he had a response back at me.

“Collin, leave it alone” Nathan groaned.

“Would you two just knock it off? James and the guys threw a party for us back in Palm Woods. They are waiting for us to arrive so they can get the party started. You two can take this argument for another time, I don’t care. But we have actual friends who are kind enough to waste energy on congratulating us on our success. I don’t know about you, but I am actually thankful and ready to party-it-on” Tyson shouted, stomping in between the tension of our argument.

He stared at us with disbelief before pushing past us to lead our departure. The three of us stared after his retreating figure in shock and decided to follow him back to Palm Woods.

When we got out of the limo to the Palm Woods entrance, James and Carlos charged at us from their previous spot behind the glass French doors. The two had on party hats and glittered necklaces around their neck, excitement seeping through every core of their body. Funnily enough, my emotion is a far cry off from what they currently are.

We followed the guys into the lobby and everyone cheered as we entered. This charismatic energy is quite refreshing from the previous argument and tension. I will never admit it out loud, but I’m glad that they are so enthusiastic about our album release when the four of us probably feel like crap at this moment.

I turned to my side and was a bit shocked when Carley approached Collin, throwing her arms around him in a congratulating manner. She smiled widely at him and patted his shoulder. Perhaps, that little bitch is in a better mood now that his star-crossed lover is all over him. I rolled my eyes and turned as Kandi gave me a smile.

“You did it, Maxine!” she said, flashing me her copy of our EP.

I actually gave her a crooked grin as she pushed a few sandy brown locks behind her ear. Her eyes wandered around as if we created this uncomfortable aura between us. I don’t really feel awkward or uncomfortable around her but her eyes still showed uncertainty. Then I remembered, I still have to be the intimidating and bitchy Maxine who wears clothes nobody likes—including myself.

“How did you guys get Bitters to pull this off?” Nathan asked as he appeared behind me.

Kandi chuckled a bit, turning backwards to something behind her. There, we see Bitters gleefully opening the CD cover of our release. Guitar Dude stood beside him, placing a plug-in radio on top of his counter. Nathan actually laughed at the sight of the hotel manager’s state of excitement.

“I think you guys have a number one fan already” Kandi glanced back to the two of us, amusement written all over her eyes.

The commotion continued on like this, while I desperately tried to push my way to the pool, where I was told the food was. I never made it there before being pulled away by Chloe Mitchell. We constructed some small talks about the upcoming photo shoot and the writing process for this piece of art. Then I excused myself with some lame excuse.

When I entered the pool, it was empty. Everyone is still getting their conversation on as a track from our EP played from the radio on Bitters’ counter. This release party thing wasn’t a bad idea after all. When I heard about it from Nathan, I nearly scoffed and decided to not even attend. Tyson eventually changed my mind with his inspirational speech back in Hawk’s studio, so here I am.

I approached the refreshments table, snatching a paper cup right off the side of the table. After all the stress going on between the media and my friends, I need to actually relax and actually enjoy a drink. I decided on the red colored Hawaiian Punch. When I filled my cup half-way with the red liquid, I hear someone approach me from behind.

“Good job on your album release”

I turned to face Kendall, this time, without his stupid hockey uniform. The striped long sleeved shirt and jeans is actually a more pleasant sight than the rags that reminded me of my encounters with the hockey puck. For that I am relieved. Unfortunately, I still get worked up over the sight of him and his presence.

Out of sudden anger, I poured my cup of red Hawaiian Punch all over his shirt. He jumped back in alarm as he looked down at his ruined attire in disbelief. I guess I wasn’t the only one who didn’t expect the punch stains on his shirt. The decision to damage his clothing was sort of a last minute type of thing. For that, I am a bit proud of myself. He has been a douche to me, in my defense.

“Why’d you do that for?” he screamed at me with an exasperated expression, eyes widening in the lingering shock.

He looked back down at the artistically circular-shaped red that accompanied the light orange and white stripped pattern on his shirt. I think music isn’t my only talent. I am so amazing; I can even consider making a career out of my gorgeous punch-stain art.

“Maybe you deserve it, eh?” I snickered, placing the now-empty cup on the table before making my leave.

“You changed! And I am disappointed in you” he called out.

At the accusation, I whipped my head around and plastered on the familiar Maxine-style glare.

“I don’t need your insight on what I am, and aren’t” I spat out, rolling my eyes.

“Why are you dressed like that? Half of your boobs are showing, your thighs are displayed for everyone to see, and your attitude, it’s even nastier than before. I think that fame is changing you, Maxine”

“Piss off, Kendall. You don’t know anything about me”

“Think about it, how would your family feel? Your friends? Dressing like this” he gesticulated to my attire, “and acting like a royal bitch is a bit hurtful and disrespectful to your family, let alone others. They are the ones who loved and raised you. Don’t you think they’d be disappointed and hurt to see you transition into this person I can’t even call Maxine anymore!”

I feel my eyes tear up as I imagined a happy picture of my family at Kendall’s mention. I tried to imagine that our family was actually perfect, that they actually loved and cared about me. But nothing of the sorts came up in my head.

Instead of thinking of a perfect family life that I never can picture in my head, I remembered standing outside of my older brother’s door. I can see it shut closed ahead of me as I plead for someone to cuddle with. The occasion was pretty serious. I was crying, the tears were pouring out of my eyes because of a bad break-up. The guy and I had a fling that lasted for a few months. It wasn’t the breakup that broke me. The guy had snuck into my house and kidnapped my hamster. My dear hamster that I loved so much and I raised him ever since the start of middle school. He set my hamster on fire, right before my eyes, in our backyard.

I can still see the flames in my vision, and I can see the flame still burning with Kendall’s face as the backdrop to the setting. The tears in my eyes seem unrealistic to me because in my imagination, I was actually crying harder.

My perfect family rejected me. My own brother wouldn’t even comfort me after the tragic loss of my dear hamster, the only friend I had at home.

Then the anger returned. I shook all the sappy sad stuff out of my head and blinked my forming tears away. I remembered how much I hated Kendall and that he will never understand me. His life is so perfect with a loving mother who is encouraging him to move forth in his sucky music career. He has friends who would do almost anything for him. My friends are falling apart as I do while his group of hooligans still acts like their silly little selves with no problems in their perfect little lives.

“You know what? Why are you complaining about my fucked up life when you should just shut up and return to your perfect one?” I yelled, storming toward him so that I was now in his face.

“Maxine, what do you—“

“No, shut up. Let me talk. You don’t know what it feels like to work for what you want in life because people hand things to you. No one ever gave me shit. You are living the perfect life with a cakewalk career, promised of fame. Your friends still run around like idiots because your career is not being jeopardized. I’ve wanted this music career for all my life and I’m finally getting away from the Manhattan me. If I don’t do what my producer wants, I won’t have this fame. I have to work my ass off and endure the pressure of handling Collin and his pissy little self. No, you have no idea because you have a mother who loves you with all her heart. You have a little sister who idolizes you. And you know what? You can shove all that up your ass because I’m done with your bullshit” I stormed off and wiped a few fallen tears from my eyes.

I hear Kendall call for me from behind but I reentered the lobby and pushed past people to make it to the elevator.

Kendall has no idea what hard work means in life. He is sheltered in the happy little bubble that stole his knowledge of actual hardships in life.

He knows nothing and remains ignorant. Oh, and stupid.