Aim High, Never Rest

I look at my photo shoot pictures on the cell phone screen and grimaced. Carlos chuckled beside me. I smiled, being reminded that the most amazing guy in the world is my boyfriend. It might sound cheesy but it’s a natural, realistic feeling that girls get when a guy makes their knees weak.

“You look so cute” he cooed at me, squeezing my cheeks.

I grinned at him, sticking my tongue out.

“I’ll look cuter with you standing beside me”

He smiled his signature smile and I am instantly reminded of why I fell for him in the first place.

“Well that photo shoot with Chloe will be our chance to test our modeling abilities”

“I wonder how Chloe will promote you guys from a mature angle”

I am quite curious to how Chloe Mitchell will pull this off. Big Time Rush is far from mature if anyone asks me. Look at Carlos and his desire to loosen up and be a kid, James and his constant need to look glamorous, Logan and his spastic ways through times of stress, and Kendall, well he is kind of immature, right?

“She’ll make us wear the… um… monkey suits” he grimaced at the thought.

I giggled, lightly shoving him. He wrapped an arm around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder.

“You will look great” I complimented.

He smiled widely at me and gestured for me to approach the man at the stand. I walked up to the corndog stand and bought a dozen just like that first time we went to the park together as friends.

I nodded at the man behind the makeshift stand and paid for the corndogs. I smirked at him when his face lit up at the sight of his all-time favorite.

“Thank you Hannah” he squealed, snatching the whole dozen from my grip.

He didn’t offer any of the twelve to me but I’m not complaining. Just watching him eye the provocative corndog with so much glee and excitement is enough of a treat for me. Besides, I do not eat anything that threatens with my weight.

“So how is your studio progress with the guys?” I asked casually when we decided to round the park in a circle.

Shrugging, he viciously pulled at a piece of the corndog with his teeth, chewing with so much excitement, as if his life depended on it.

“Good” he said with his mouth full.

I laughed because he look so cute doing that.

He smiled at me, widely.

As my boyfriend proceeded to finish his collection of corndogs in record time, I observed the other park residents and studied their activities. A little boy and his mother stood on the grassy floor, clutching onto the string of the kite, smiling up at the paper object in the sky.

I shake my head, being reminded that my mom and I never had this type of interaction. This is probably not a good time to think about that. It will dampen Carlos’ already bright mood. I will not kill it off for the world.

“Good” he mumbled again, nodding impressively at the food in his hands.

“Yeah” I agreed only for his sake.

He continued chomping down his corndogs and I picked up my phone when it buzzed in my pocket. Kandi’s message brought a smile on my face.

Three days until the shoot, you stoked?

Of course I’m stoked. This is the first interview where I won’t be forced to pose half naked in front of wandering eyes. I will be in photos with my friends and boyfriend, it is more personal and I definitely will feel more comfortable. It will be loads of fun.

I replied back with a positive happy statement of agreement and linked my arms with Carlos, who just finished his last corndog. He frowned at the last stick, and threw it inside the bin underhand style. Carlos look disappointed that he finished all of his corndogs that I treated him with. I feel like it is my fault for getting him only a dozen.

I will purchase more next time, if I keep that mental note and take it seriously.

He smiled at me, kissing me on the top of my forehead.

“You have plans tonight?” he asked, looking a bit uncertain and nervous.

I chuckled at how cute he looked when nervous. We are in the beginning stages of a relationship and it seems to me that neither of us finds it casual yet. He is always stumbling and unsure of how to act around me. I am always paranoid that I will disappoint him with action or words. There is an invisible wall that will collapse over time but I don’t think I can wait any longer.

“I’m free tonight but I do have an interview tomorrow morning” I replied.

He nodded casually, pulling me closer to him with his arms around my waist.

“Then we are going to go back to that pizza store down the block”

“Sure”

Whatever food makes him happy makes me happy. I do not mind, just as long as they offer a vegetarian dish or pizza with non-meat toppings.

He squealed excitedly, jumping around with his arms still around me. I was forced to jump along with him but I didn’t mind. His excitement is my excitement.

“Eww” our heads snapped back on instinct.

My heart dropped really fast at the sight of Cassie, my obnoxious, perfect older sister. She stood behind us with her arms crossed in front of her chest and an apparent look of disgust on her face. I remember her ignoring me since my model career took off. There were moments where I felt bad that I had the life she wanted so badly, but moments like this makes me take all that sympathy back.

Carlos’ large grin vanished real fast.

“You guys do not deserve to have fans tracking your tags on Tumblr. You guys do not deserve the web news with your cuddly photos everywhere. You guys do not deserve the gossip sites freaking out over your relationship. Who the fuck cares?” she shouted, throwing her hands around. She is freaking out.

Carlos’ hands found mine and intertwined our fingers. He clutched onto my hands tightly as if reassuring me. I smiled at him because of his physical reminder to ignore my sister.

“Why are you even a model, Hannah?” Cassie turned to me, looking like she was about to cry.

“I don’t…”

“No, I am prettier than you, I deserve the fame because I work so damn hard to get here. Mom and dad treat you like a favorite, like you are a star. My life is falling apart because of you. I am your shadow and it’s not fair. I am now known as Hannah Roberts’ sister… I do not want that. I want a name of my own but you have to exist”

She broke into silent sobs before running off the opposite direction.

A realization hit me and I feel like shit. I was having such a blast with Carlos before I have to think about how my life is affecting others. Cassie may be a bitch to me but she is still my sister. It is unfair for me to shadow her like that. My fame affects everyone and I feel selfish for never thinking about her.

I feel like a complete monster, like I am the selfish bitch for pursuing my own career and completely ignoring my sister who actually worked hard to try to get to where I am.

“Don’t worry about her, Hannah. I think you are great” Carlos smiled, squeezing my hand in reassurance.

I feel a bit better but this assault to the gut keeps bothering me.

“I can’t not worry about her” I said.

“Why not?”

“She is my sister”

And I actually care about her, even if she never cared about me.