Aim High, Never Rest

Instead of staying in my hotel apartment on a typical Tuesday night, I attended the World Wide Music Award in the Staple center. Hawk had offered yesterday when he called the band down to his office. The other guys, Collin more expressive than the others, declined the offer for some stupid reason. I, for one, wanted to experience the life of a musician. Going to big award shows like this is part of a musician’s obligation.

Throughout the night, Rebecca introduced me to various big name musicians and producers in between every award presentation. During the commercial breaks, she literally dragged me up from our seats to meet with the stars at the other tables. Most of the musicians stray away from my music genre so it was not easy conversing with them. I feel like I could hardly relate to them, especially with their looks of disapproval when I approach them in my outfit.

While the musicians from other genres can respect rock musicians and their styles, they are not accustomed to one who would show up to a sophisticated award show in a Taylor Momsen stage attire. As far as I’m concerned, not even Ms. Momsen herself would wear leather lingerie to the World Wide Music Award show. Unfortunately for them, Hawk insisted on creating a controversy out of me.

I did not get along with most of the musicians and producers Rebecca introduced me to. The fact that my personality is more reserved when I know that I have to be restrained from speaking my mind prevents any conversations from going beyond small talk. Rebecca was not look too happy about that.

Fast forward three hours, the musicians are getting up from their tables and mingling while others seem to be heading out of the stadium. I watch the hectic surroundings around me, feeling less like myself in this atmosphere.

I should be overjoyed that I even get an opportunity to attend to an award show, but this time around, I am experiencing something that is underwhelming compared to my expectations. Hawk was nice enough to offer me some company from other musicians under his label, but I kindly declined because I know that no one can replace my band members—as much as I hate to admit that.

Dressed as an attention-craving seductress and forced to put my fake polite personality out, I am just a promoter trying to sell people out into giving me a chance. While I trust that Hawk’s methods are effective, I don’t trust myself anymore. Just looking into Collin’s eyes, or even Kendall’s disappointed ones, I know that they are not buying this façade either. Even I know that people shouldn’t fall for my image and what I have to sell. I look in the mirror and see a different person. I talk to people, knowing that the words coming out of my mouth is scripted and insincere. This is not what I imagined fame to taste like.

I always thought it was possible to achieve worldwide fame and still stay true to who you are. An award show is supposed to be a place where all the worthy musicians gather together and talk about their lives, letting their personalities shine—whether it is sweet and kind like Taylor Swift’s or bitter and blunt like mine. Positive or negative, a musician usually tells a story that is genuine and honest. It is essential for a person to be as true as what they are trying to sell. In my case, it is the music. It doesn’t feel right to put on an act when I feel so modest to the things that I create.

“Maxine Johnson?” the heavy Australian accent distracted me, forcing me out of my thoughts.

Plastering on a permanent fake smile, I looked up at the man who is about a head taller than me. His dark brown eyes scanned my body before quickly averting his gaze. Holding his eye contact on my face, he smiled at me kindly.

“I have heard your band’s EP and I can say that I am impressed.” The Australian man held a hand out for me to take.

I looked down at his tan hand, hesitantly placing my own pale hand over his. With Rebecca off to other business endeavors and no one else around to direct me, I am lost at this given freedom to act without authority around to judge me.

“Thank you, mister…” I trailed off, nervously flicking my bangs out of my face.

The Australian man chuckled, releasing my hand from his. He scratched the back of his short brown hair.

“I’m just going to be straight up with you, from one rock star to another.” He winked at me as he said this.

All of a sudden, my perception on this strange man changed. Knowing that he is someone in my niche, I feel more comfortable in his presence as I have an opportunity to seek advice from him if I wanted.

I stared at him expectantly, waiting impatiently for him to break away from his pause and continue his speech.

“I am Daniel, my band is not worth much around here,” he glanced around our surroundings, “but we are a pretty big deal back in the OZ.”

Nodding, I force another smile to show him a sign of respect. I might not feel as much respect internally. Honestly, I am more curious as to what he wants with me. He is picking up a conversation with me not just to be friendly. He must want something from me, or else he wouldn’t even bother giving me a chance with a glimpse of an eye.

“My band Gyroscope are recording an album in San Francisco for the three months to follow and I was wondering if you can lend your voice for a few tracks.”

I paused, feeling my real confidence rise up from the vagueness of my vision. This guy from Gyroscope likes my voice enough to use it as an element to the band’s studio album. If this proposition didn’t flatter me, I don’t know what will. Sure, I have never heard of the band, as they achieve their fame in Australia, but to be a part of something beyond myself is quite the experience to have.

A more secretive part of me reasoned that recording vocals under a different group of people, away from Hawk, might give me a chance at creative control on this band’s record. The band can only let my creativity go so far, I understand that as it is their own asses on the line, but I would be able to put my creative spin in a collaborative work. Plus, if they ended up releasing their work with my contribution to it, I might be able to branch out in Australia.

I aim for worldwide fame, and worldwide fame also incorporates Australia.

“I would love to work with your band in the studio.” I finally said, flashing a real smile this time.

Daniel laughed at me. I noticed that he stuck a hand inside his dress pant pocket to find something.

“See? It is nice to see you breaking through the awkward formalities.” He said, pulling a pen out of the pocket.

I don’t even want to know why he brought a pen with him to the award show.

Daniel leaned over one of the nearby tables and snatched an abandoned program from there. He bent down and scribbled something down on the pink sheet of paper. I refrained from looking over his shoulder as I still feel the need to be professional during situations like this.

When he is done, he hands the paper to me.

“My number is in there so you can contact me anytime you feel like dropping by to check on us. Now I know people don’t give a crap about us around here, but don’t go around giving my number away, okay?” he winked at me again.

“I got it.”

He checked his wrist watch before saluting me.

“I have to get going, I still have jet lag as I just got here at noon.”

“I will be sure to call you, Daniel.” I said.

“G’night, Maxine!”



When I got back to my room at Palm Woods, I am already exhausted from the needy schedule of today. I had a beach and amusement park photoshoot with Chloe and the girls from early morning til' noon. After lunch with them, Hawk rushed me into the process of getting ready for the award show. I didn’t even have time return to the hotel room in between.

I entered the living room to see Collin and Kendall on the couch, playing X-Box in front of the television. The two has been spending a lot of time together lately. Rolling my eyes, I ignored them while walking past the living room to get to my bedroom. The strange thing is: Nathan and Tyson are nowhere to be found. Lately, they’ve been away from the room and I only ever got to see them during meetings with Hawk.

In my bedroom, the first thing I did is strip out of the uncomfortable leather in exchange for a pair of dark blue sweatpants and an oversized AC/DC T-shirt. Internally, I am relieved that at the end of each day, I am back to being myself, even if it is just for the night. Every night, I feel a sense of joy and freedom to be stripping off the façade and image I’ve been putting out to the world.

Pulling my hair in a high ponytail, I walked out of my bedroom in order to get to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I have to cut through the living room—where the two obnoxious idiots are playing. When I moved behind the couch, Kendall looked up from his video game playing to acknowledge me. Shuddering in disgust, I nearly dashed into the restroom.

I closed the door shut, making sure to slam the door loudly so they can hear the sound of my angry door-slamming. If I heard correctly, Collin groaned as a reaction.

Turning up the radio on the shelf above the toilet, I brushed my teeth and removed my makeup. While doing my nightly routine, I make sure to avoid looking in the mirror. When I am ready to wipe at my face, I close my eyes tightly before blindly reaching for my towel on the shelf. The heavy guitar riffs from the radio relaxed me. I mutter to myself, praying that I won’t freak out at my reflection when I open my eyes.

Counting to 3, I slowly opened my eyes to be met with the girl in the mirror. Bare of makeup and cover up, this girl is the real Maxine. She is the girl I barely recognize. Most of the day, I cover my face with pints of makeup, using it as a tool to distract other people from seeing the real me.

I’ve been hiding and building up walls to prevent people from seeing the flaws in me. As much as I’d like to believe that I am perfect, I don’t think the situation Hawk is putting me in gives me room to be confident of my identity. Before Hawk and the whole record deal affair, I was doing a good job being myself.

I turned from my reflection in order to turn the power off for the radio. The blaring music stopped abruptly, signaling my planned departure from the bathroom. I recently used this method so Collin will know when I will be in and out of the living room area. It is a signal to tell him to get prepared for my entrance. Sometimes it helps him avoid seeing me when I get ready in the morning or before I sleep at night.

When I left the bathroom, Collin and Kendall are no longer playing video games on the television screen. Collin has an acoustic guitar propped up on his lap while Kendall glanced at a notebook in his hand.

Kendall is the first to look up when I cleared my throat. When his hazel eyes met my blue ones, they widened in shock. He examined my features carefully as if he hasn’t seen me without makeup on. While it could be true, I am still irritated to be in his presence right now.

“Collin.” I spoke to him for the first time since that phone conversation.

The blonde sighed loudly and looked up at me.

“Just thought I’d let you know, I met the lead singer of Gyroscope. The band is from Australia. They invited me over to the studio so I can lend them my vocals for their new studio album. Just thought I’d let you know since I am part of this band and all.”

When he just stared at me blankly without a response, I shrugged it off and returned to my bedroom.

As much as I try to hide it, the fact that Collin doesn’t care about my new project hurts. It hurts so much that I want to curl up on my bed and cry.