Aim High, Never Rest

I grinned at Kandi as she hopped off the driver’s seat of her car. She pushed her pair of sunglasses from above her hair to her eyes when she realized how sunny it is outside. She smiled back at me and beckoned me to follow her into the mall.

Wednesday mornings are never really my favorite because I usually have to wake up early for photo shoots. However, this is a special week since I took the whole week off to accommodate for Chloe’s shoot. This is the first Wednesday morning where there is potential for me to enjoy a day in the week.

I felt horrible for rejecting Kandi’s initial invitation to hang out last week so after our beach and carnival photo shoot, I approached her and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She agreed like a very good friend would and I suggested we shop til we drop like girls would.

“Do you like Forever 21?” Kandi asked casually.

I tilted my head to the side, unable to decide whether to be honest with her or to just lie and pretend to be one of the many girls who rely on the store for cheaper, exquisite fashion. Kandi is the laidback type who prefers simple clothing and accessories while I am more complicated. Ever since I was brought into the modeling world, I am expected to dress in designer clothing and go for nothing less. I don’t recall a time in the past that I would care for these things, but my career has requirements, and honestly, I quite enjoy it.

But then I realized that to make friends, I have to be honest and shouldn’t lie about my personal preferences. Kandi already have a gist of my style, lying would only make her see me as a fake.

“Honestly, not really my cup of tea. You know how I am” I looked down at my white, chiffon top and my fancy mini skirt.

Kandi smiled a little and nodded as if she understood. I really like Kandi because she never pretends like she understands, she does. She is open-minded and she sees things for the way they are, and not some other people’s biased opinions. I believe that she has potential to become my first real friend, as I’ve never really made friends I would stay committed to.

“You know, there’s always a first time for everything”

I looked up at Kandi to see a crooked grin on her face. She really wants me to try something different than what I usually strive for. For the sake of securing one real friend in this lifetime of mine, I nodded. I agreed to it because Kandi never make suggestions with the worse intention.

I followed her to Forever 21, pushing my bug-eyed Chanel sunglasses closer to my eyes in hopes of not getting recognized by anyone. The chances seem unlikely, but I can only hope.

Kandi walked over to a rack and pulled something out suddenly. It is a mint green silk top, long-sleeved and with buttons. I nodded in approval.

“I know how much you love your tops” she handed the shirt over to me.

I immediately checked the tag and scowled at the size of the clothing item. The size of the shirt is small and I don’t do small. Sighing in defeat, I walked over to the rack and put the small-sized top back before pulling out an XS one. Kandi bit her lip but didn’t say anything as she watched me.

Shaking my head in panic, I ended up putting the mint green top back to the rack.

“Not to my satisfactory” I excused, before walking past her.

“Okay”

I did not want Kandi to think I’m a freak who obsesses over her image and the size of the clothing she wears. It just happens on instinct since I’m so used to looking down on the size small. Honestly, I used to prefer size small or medium just because I like my clothing item a bit bigger, but somehow, I changed over time and I didn’t even truly realize the drastic change until now.

My time in Hollywood has flashed past by and I didn’t even get the chance to really relax and reflect on it. If I’m not too busy posing for a shoot, I’m worrying over Carlos and what I should do to satisfy him. It is the sad truth.

For the next twenty minutes, I’ve picked out a few articles of clothing and made sure they were XS before I entered the dressing room. Kandi entered the room beside mine as she had picked out her pile at the same pace as myself.

I tried on a pair of size two fitted jeans and frowned at my own reflection in the mirror.

“Hey Hannah, let me see how it fits you!” Kandi called out.

Her voice came from outside the fitting rooms and not inside. Sighing at my own reflection, I left my fitting room and approached her and the full length mirror. She smiled at me and nodded. My eyes widened as I stared in the mirror. I am horrified. I see that the jean is outlining the shape of my legs and I don’t like the outward curve a few inches below my thighs. I shook my head furiously. It is not acceptable.

“My legs, they look like sausages” I croaked out.

Kandi’s eyes softened as she stared me down. I have no idea what she is thinking right now, but she must think I’m a freak.

“No, they are fine” Kandi reassured.

I bit my lips and nodded at her before returning to my fitting room. Kicking the pair of jeans off of my legs, I slipped the mini skirt back on. I looked in the mirror again and noticed that wearing the jeans and staring at my bare legs made no difference. They both proved that I have hideous legs.

Neglecting the rest of my clothing items, I walked out of the fitting room empty handed and waited for Kandi to finish. When she did, we both lined up in silence until she paid for her clothes. She suggested for us to grab lunch as it is obvious we needed a long break after my little breakdown back there. As we walked over, we didn’t say a word to each other.

I know she thinks I’m a narcotic freak who is too obsessed with her image. I couldn’t say I disagree, but I didn’t want people to view me like that.

We both arrived at the food court. I ordered salad with mild dressing and she got some pasta from an Italian place. When we both sat down at our table, I was desperate for a conversation starter.

“So there are rumors about you and Dak Zevon”

Kandi tried to hide a smile as she stabbed pasta with her fork.

“We are trying to have a casual approach to it”

“Wait, you guys are going on a date tonight, right?” I asked.

“Yes, sort of” she grinned.

“Nice, I think you guys are cute together! You guys would be like Dandi or Kak, okay I like the sound of Dandi better. The headlines would be: Dandi, the super couple!”

Kandi smiled at me, clearly amused at my rambling. I have no idea why I would ramble but I usually do that when I’m nervous to get a conversation started.

“So that would make you and Carlos, Cannah”

I blushed at the mention of Carlos.

“We are a creative bunch, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, we should feed some of these names for the press. But we have to charge them.”

I laughed along with her and I actually felt a bit happy and relaxed. I never expected to smile or feel enthusiastic about something, especially after that dramatic episode in the Forever 21 dressing room.

But then my appetite went away, which ruined everything. I looked down at my salad and grimaced at the fact that I let the cook put dressing in my salad. Why did I tell the cashier to put mild dressing?

Suddenly, I am in no mood to eat. I have grown disinterested in my plate. And it certainly takes no fool to notice my erratic behavior when shook my head at the salad and neglected it completely.

Avoiding eye contact with Kandi, I took out my iPhone to distract myself.

And for a second, I thought I was going to have a wonderful, normal day with a potential real friend.