Here's My Heart

When he feels the sheets around him moving, Alex smiles in his half-asleep state and curls up closer to Jack. He likes waking up to Jack – actually, no, he loves it. He loves that Jack’s the first person he sees in the morning and how usually he looks like a total mess and yet still manages to be completely adorable. There are a lot of things Alex loves about Jack but he’ll just keep the rest of them to himself because he’s pretty sure it would take all day to list everything. He’s a sap. He knows that already.

So when he feels a sudden weight on top of him, one that wasn’t there a few seconds ago, Alex sighs gently and rolls over onto his back, preparing to be met with Jack’s lopsided smile and his hair sticking up in four different directions. When he actually does open his eyes, that’s not quite what he gets. Sitting on top of him, pouting and looking at Alex with wide eyes is Zack and definitely not Jack. He thought Jack seemed a bit heavier than usual…

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Alex whispers, reaching over to his bedside table and flicking on the lamp to give some light to the room. He catches sight of the time as well and he regrets it instantly. It’s two in the morning.

“Waffles.”

Alex squints, his brain trying to somehow figure out what Zack is talking about but seriously, it’s two am. “Zack, either tell me what the hell is wrong with you or go back to bed.” He tries to roll over and curl back into Jack’s side but Zack won’t let him. The younger boy whines and Alex really wants to reach out and smack him in the head, or something. He can’t, though, because Zack is five and a half months pregnant and if Alex hits him, then he’ll tell Brendon and then Brendon will yet at Alex and Alex would rather just avoid that.

“I want waffles.”

“Are you kidding me? You wake me up to fucking tell me that?”

“…Yes.”

“Fucking hell, Zack! Go back to bed!”

Alex tries to roll over again but Zack grabs his arms, keeping him still as he says, “I can’t! I want waffles! I need you to take me to the Waffle House!”

“Where’s your boyfriend?!”

“He’s spending the weekend at his grandparent’s house! You know that! Now seriously, get up and take me to get waffles!”

It’s twenty minutes later that Alex finds himself getting out of the car in the parking lot of the closest Waffle House. He has an angry, irritated look on his face as he slams his car door shut and follows Zack towards the entrance to the restaurant. Usually, Alex loves the fact that the Waffle House is open twenty-four/seven, but right now he’s cursing it’s existence and wishing it would be closed for good, or something. Because it’s two in the morning and he should be in bed sleeping next to Jack and not going to get breakfast with a pregnant person who will probably change his mind about his order four times.

“If you loved me, you would be happy to be here with me,” Zack says when he’s sitting down across from Alex in a booth beside the window. He tugs off his jacket and shifts in the seat, trying to find a comfortable way to sit. At five months pregnant, his baby bump is more than obvious now and it often gets in the way, much to his irritation.

“Guess I don’t love you then, huh?” Alex mumbles, flipping open his menu and going straight for the omelets. If he’s here, he figures he might as well eat something he doesn’t normally have at home.

“That’s a dirty lie,” Zack responds, “You love me.”

“Maybe. But how about next time when you’re craving something in the early hours of the morning, you call up Brendon or Ryan? I’m sure they would love to cater to your every need.”

“I didn’t want to bother them.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “So you bother me instead.”

“Well…Yeah… You’re Alex…I knew you would take me if I pouted enough. And…I dunno. I guess I just feel more comfortable going to you if Rian’s not around.”

At that, Alex sighs, his annoyance quickly melting away. Zack can be sweet when he wants to be. “Okay fine. I understand. When does Rian come back anyway?”

“Monday morning. In time for his shift at work…I miss him.” Zack frowns and then there’s the unmistakable sign of water flooding his eyes and Alex wants to hit himself for being so stupid.

“Zack, don’t cry, really. You’ll see him on Monday and all you have to do is get through tomorrow – well, technically today. Just…Just keep your mind off of him.”

“Hi, my name’s Amanda and I’ll be your waitress this morning.”

Alex and Zack both look up, finding a young girl standing beside their table, a bright smile on her face and a pad and pencil in her hands. Alex smiles back at her while Zack looks away, trying to hide the evidence of his tears.

“Can I start you off with a drink? Or do you know what you’re ordering already?”

Alex sighs, knowing that it’ll take another fifteen minutes just for Zack to figure out exactly what he wants. Just because he claimed to have wanted waffles when he woke Alex up before definitely doesn’t mean that that’s still what he wants now. So he says, “I’ll have a coffee, but we’re not ready to order yet.”

*

Apparently, Zack is ‘the cutest thing in the world’. Well, that’s according to the waitresses that are working in the restaurant tonight. They’re absolutely infatuated with the younger boy, asking him questions about his baby and whether or not it’s a boy or a girl and Zack just eats his chocolate chip pancakes with a smile and responding to each and every question while Alex just sits there across from him, wondering why Zack is so fascinating. He doesn’t recall a single time when he was pregnant where girls fawned over him. Maybe it’s because Zack is so small, frame-wise, and therefore automatically equals adorable?

“It’s a girl,” he tells the girl who’s standing next to Amanda, their original waitress, “And she’s due on June 3rd.”

He’s loving this attention, Alex knows, and it’s kind of funny. Since Alex found out about the pregnancy, Zack has been an angry, moody human being that hates attention and would rather just stay in his bed all day and only come out to eat or use the bathroom. Today he seems to be different and Alex is hoping that maybe the mood swings are starting to go away and he’ll be more pleasant to deal with.

“That is so cute,” the girl gushes, clasping her hands together, “And what are you going to name her? Do you have any names picked out yet?”

This time, Alex realizes she’s looking at him, looking at the ring on his finger, and he sits up straight, shaking his head, “Uh, I’m not the father-”

“I’m not keeping the baby,” Zack interrupts, and then shoves a forkful of eggs into his mouth. “Adoption,” he continues through a mouthful of the food.

The girl nods and smiles, “You’re young; I guess that’s the best bet.”

“Mhmm.” Zack goes back to his pancakes, cutting them up into smaller pieces and pushing them around on his plate. He’s not as happy and carefree as he was a few minutes ago and Alex picks up on that pretty quickly.

“Can we just get the check, please?” He asks Amanda and she’s quick to nod and hurry off back towards the counter. Once they’re alone again he turns to Zack and reaches across the table, rubbing at his arm, “Are you alright?”

“I don’t like when they tell me I’m young and that it’s a good thing I’m giving my baby away,” he answers immediately, avoiding Alex’s eyes, “I mean, I know that there was no way I’d be able to care for her and that me and Rian were nowhere near ready for a kid and that the best plan was to give her to Brendon and Ryan. I know that. I just don’t like when people just assume that I’m too young. How would they know what my life is like?”

Alex laughs, “You’re thinking too much about this. You shouldn’t care so much about what other people think about you. You’re the only one who can judge what’s best for you, okay?” Alex bites his lip, debating on whether or not he should say what he wants to. He knows he kind of has to, but he’s just not sure if it’ll upset Zack or not. He decides to just do it anyway, though. “And… if you were to change your mind, deciding that adoption actually isn’t what’s best for you, I’ll still support you, alright?”

Zack’s eyes widen, “Change my mind? Keep the baby? First of all, I’m not going to. Second, how could I do that to Brendon and Ryan? How could I take back my promise?”

“I’m not saying you should. I’m just saying if you do, I’m still going to be here for you. I mean, you haven’t signed anything yet so you still have the option to change your mind.”

“I’m not going to,” Zack states, and the way he says it tells Alex that he’s dead set on that. And it’s kind of a huge relief.

*

The following Monday brings snow – and a lot of it. There’s nearly two feet of it on the ground outside, making it impossible for most people to even get out of their driveways. So, all schools were shut, including colleges, so Jack didn’t have to leave and neither did Zack or Rian. And, since Jack is able to stay home, the first thing he wants to do is take Jasey outside to play.

“She’ll love it, seriously,” the older man says from his seat on the floor of the living room. He has Jasey standing in front of him, her eyes focused on the TV screen and her fingers in her mouth, “She’s never seen snow before!”

“I don’t want her to get sick, Jack,” Alex says as he hands Jack a cute hat that someone had given Jasey for Christmas, “Why don’t you wait until the snow melts a little?”

“That’s no fun. I’ll only have her out there for a little while, don’t worry so much.”

Alex frowns but doesn’t say anything else. He sits down on the couch beside Rian and tucks his legs underneath him. It’s freezing in their apartment for some reason. Alex is pretty sure the heat is acting up and he’s so close to call up the landlord and complaining but Jack won’t let him yet. “Where’s Zack?” he asks Rian.

“Peeing,” the younger boy responds, leaning back into the couch cushions. He’s got a hoodie and sweatpants on and a blanket on top of him, clearly just as cold as Alex is.

“Okay, we’re gonna go outside now,” Jack announces as he zips up Jasey’s jacket.

Alex has to admit, she does look pretty freaking adorable standing there with her snow pants and snow boots. Not to mention her gloves. “Let me take a picture,” he says, getting back up from the couch and going to retrieve his camera from the kitchen, “I can print it out and send it to my mom. She’s been asking for pictures lately.”

“Jasey, baby girl, look at Daddy and smile,” Jack says to the little girl when Alex returns with the camera. He picks her up and puts her on his hip, pointing at Alex and trying his best to get her to smile and look at Alex at the same time. It doesn’t turn out too terribly – Alex manages to snap the picture just as she giggles at something Rian does. She’s not looking, but he’ll just take what he can get.

Five minutes after Alex locks the door behind Jack, there’s a knock and he has to get up off the couch again and stumble over to the door to open it. He grumbles as he does so, figuring it’s Jack deciding that it actually is too cold for Jasey to be outside and wants to come back in. But he’s wrong, of course, because it’s actually Ryan and Brendon standing out in the hallway, bundled up in winter jackets and holding bags from Babies R Us.

“What are you doing here?” Alex finds himself asking as he steps aside to let them in.

Brendon is shivering but smiling all the same as he responds with, “We just wanted to hang out. And show you what we bought!”

“Why were you even out shopping? Did you not see the two feet of snow on the ground?”

“Snow doesn’t have to stop your everyday lives, Alex,” Ryan says as he puts the bags down on the floor. Alex can tell that obviously Ryan wanted to sleep in today while Brendon was the one who forced them to go out.

“Where’s Zack?” Brendon asks, bouncing on his toes, “I wanted to show him all the cute dresses I picked out.”

“Hey, I picked them out, too,” Ryan points out but Brendon ignores him.

Alex sits down on the couch again, this time joined by Brendon and Ryan, and he gestures to the bathroom, “He’s peeing, according to Rian, but I think he’s actually just staring at himself in the mirror and trying to weigh himself. He still doesn’t know how to work the scale.”

“I’ll go help him.” Rian heaves himself up from the couch, arms wrapping around himself as if that would somehow help him keep warm.

“No blowjobs in the bathroom!” Alex calls out and Rian flips him off in response.

“So, we’re supposed to meet with the lawyer at three on Wednesday, right?” Brendon questions, his fingers tapping lightly on his knees, “At his office?” When Alex nods, he bites his lip and continues, “You don’t think Zack’s going to back out, right?”

“Definitely not.”

*

“Then go sleep on the fucking couch! See if I fucking care!”

Alex sighs, pulling the sheets up higher and squeezing his eyes shut. It’s early, probably around eleven, but after a full day of chasing Jasey around in the snow and building a snowman and Jack being annoying, he’s exhausted and decided to go to bed kind of early. But Rian and Zack are fighting and are being extremely loud about it so there’s really no way he’s going to sleep now.

“I didn’t do anything wrong!”

The fight becomes ten times louder as the bedroom door opens and Jack slips inside, Jasey in his arms and clearly wide awake.

“Zack just threw his sneaker at Rian’s head. I decided it would be safest for us to hide in here,” he explains, setting Jasey down on the bed.

She crawls up to Alex, who sits up and smiles at her, but directs his question at Jack, “What are they even fighting about?”

“Zack was complaining that he was cold but when Rian went to go hold him he flipped out and told Rian not to touch him and then Rian kept asking why not and then…Yeah. Just the typically pregnancy fights, no big deal.”

“It is cold in here,” Alex mumbles, watching as Jasey drools on his sheets.

“The landlord called and said it was getting fixed tomorrow,” Jack crawls up onto the bed as well and lies down beside Alex, “I’ll keep you warm.”

“You always keep me warm. You practically suffocate me in my sleep. You’re the reason Jasey can’t ever sleep in our bed, cause you’ll squish her.”

“I’m just a cuddly kind of guy, what can I say.”

*

April 1st is Jasey’s first birthday. At first, Alex didn’t want a huge party because he wasn’t sure if Jasey would be able to handle it. She’s so restless and antsy and just not a people person by any means and Alex didn’t want to put her in a situation that would upset her. But Jack, of course, convinced him to change his mind. And now, their apartment is filled with their friends and balloons and a really, really pregnant Zack who is really, really not happy. He’s doing his best to fake it, though, and Alex is thankful for that. He knows it’s not easy to be seven months pregnant and having people trying to talk to you when you’re miserable.

“She’s doing really well.”

Alex nods, pouring himself another glass of wine and leaning against the table. He follows Jack’s gaze to where he sees Jasey being held by William and she’s smiling and drooling and being relatively happy, which is a shock.

“Yeah… I thought for sure she wouldn’t want be held by anyone other than you or me. But she’s being pleasant. Let’s hope she stays that way for the rest of the party.”

“She will, babe. She’s hanging out with William – she loves William!”

“No, I know. I’m just being overly paranoid, as usual.”

Jack leans down and presses their lips together for a brief kiss, his fingers digging into Alex’s hips, “Just relax and enjoy yourself. I feel like I always have to remind you to do that.”

“Where would I be without you?”

“Well, you’d still be a college student with no kid and no boyfriend. Sounds pretty good, depending on how you look at it,” Jack teases.

“I’d rather have you and Jasey than be where I was two years ago.”

*

It’s five am on June 5th that Alex wakes up to Zack screaming Rian’s name from their bedroom across the hall and at first he thinks that they’re having sex and he’s about to get up and go bang on their door to get them to seriously shut the fuck up before he realizes that no – Zack is nine months pregnant and past his due date, there’s no way they’re having sex right now.

He practically falls out of bed and pulls a pair of sweatpants on as he goes, stepping into the hallway. Zack has stopped yelling for Rian and is now in the hallway, eyes blown wide and hand on his stomach and he’s sort of doubled over, as if he’s in pain.

“What’s happening?” Alex asks, his voice scratchy and barely audible. He approaches Zack quickly, arms reaching out to help steady him on his feet, “What’s the problem? Are you okay?”

“N-no!” Zack gasps, pointing into his bedroom, “There’s a fucking spider in my bed!”

Oh. “Are you kidding me? You wake me up, screaming and making me think you’re in labor or something? Fucking hell, Zack.” Alex takes the few steps into the bedroom and finds Rian standing over the bed, searching through the sheets to find the damn spider. “You two just go sleep in the living room. I’ll wash all the sheets tomorrow and the spider will be gone.”

“The couch hurts my back,” Zack says quietly.

“Fine, sleep in my bed. I’ll wake up Jack and we’ll sleep on the couch. Whatever. Just get some damn sleep.” Before Alex walks back out of the room, he has a sudden thought and turns back to Zack, “Oh, and for future reference, if you go into labor, shout ‘banana’ or something, alright? I don’t wanna mistake you screaming at a spider for you going into labor again.”

“Sounds good.”

*

“Why isn’t the baby coming?”

Alex laughs, flipping through the channels on the TV and putting his feet up on his coffee table. Brendon’s question only made him laugh because he sounds like a three year old asking his mom why his baby brother or sister isn’t there yet. “It’s because she doesn’t like you, that’s why.”

“Shut up, dick.” Brendon punches him in the arm and it doesn’t really even hurt at all, “Do you think it’s a bad thing that he’s a week past his due date?”

“No. The doctor said it’s fine, that she’ll come any day now. Quit worrying and calm down. It’s better that she’s late instead of nearly two months early like Jasey was.”

“You’re right… Yeah. Okay. I’ll stop worrying.”

Alex’s eyes land on Ryan, who’s sitting on the floor playing with Jasey. At first Alex wasn’t sure if Ryan would adapt well to the whole ‘parenting’ thing. But he’s been nothing but awesome with Jasey, always asking if he can hold her and feed her and Alex is sure that he’ll be a great dad just like Brendon will be.

“I bet you five bucks that he has the baby tomorrow,” Alex says, locking eyes with Brendon.

“Five bucks? Make it ten. I bet he has it on Saturday.”

“Deal. Prepare to hand me ten bucks in the delivery room tomorrow, B.”

Ryan shakes his head from his spot on the floor, “Are you seriously betting on this?”

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I? It’s easy money-”

“Holy fucking shit! Are you kidding me!”

Alex freezes and Brendon turns his head to look towards the bedrooms with a curious expression. Rian’s voice echoes through the house and even Jasey is startled by the volume of it.

“It’s not my fault!”

Zack is the one screaming this time, and Alex gets up, prepared to be met with some sort of screaming match in the middle of their bedroom over who accidently threw out Rian’s work schedule, or something equally as dumb.

“Oh God, come on! Alex!”

“Alex! Banana!”

Alex freezes right at the beginning of the hallway. Banana. That’s a code word. Oh, fuck. He just lost the god damned bet.

*

Delaney. She was born at 4:34pm on Thursday, June 10th. She’s got thick black hair and bright blue eyes and she’s already Brendon and Ryan’s world. Alex didn’t expect otherwise, of course.

“What kind of a name is Delaney, anyway?” Zack asks as he pulls the top of a Jell-O cup off and tosses it at Rian, “I’ve never even heard of it.”

“It’s pretty,” Rian insists, “And nobody cares what you think anyway. Your job is done. You’re not important anymore.”

Knowing that his boyfriend is only joking with him, Zack just sticks his tongue out and goes back to his dinner. It sucks, considering its hospital food, but he’s starving and he’ll eat anything at this point. “When do they take my stitches out?” he questions, this time looking at Alex.

“I dunno… A few weeks from now, I guess.” Alex leans back in the uncomfortable seat and glares at Zack. Even though the boy doesn’t know it, he cost him ten bucks today. “You’re gonna have a really bad scar there though. And Rian will think you’re ugly.”

Rian laughs, “I doubt that.” He leans in and kisses Zack and Alex just groans and rolls his eyes. He’s tired and not at all in the mood for this. He’s thinking that maybe he could go to the nursery and see Ryan and Brendon holding their new baby, but before he can get up, Zack is talking again.

“Would you ever have another baby, Alex?”

Sure, he’s thought about it. But until now, nobody has ever asked him. Not even Jack. “Uh. I dunno. Possibly. Perhaps. It could be a possibility. You know.”

“I think you should. I want a nephew.”

“Yeah. Whatever. I’ll get right on that.”

He’s being sarcastic, of course. But at the same time, Alex makes sure to put that thought in the back of his mind so he can bring it up to Jack later while they’re lying in bed.