Here's My Heart

Three years later

“If I hear your teacher tell me you used a bad word again, you’re going to be in big trouble. Do you understand me?”

Jasey’s facial expression doesn’t change. She continues to stare up at Alex with a cheeky smile and Alex is pretty sure she’s laughing at him in her head. She’s way too smart for her own good and that’s proving to be a problem. He wishes now that he and Jack had censored themselves and stopped using curses because now Jasey has taken a liking to them and Alex is pretty sure that’s going to lead to a lot more trouble in the future.

“Okay, go inside. I’ll be here later to pick you up.”

“Okay,” She chirps, hoping up and down, “Bye Daddy!”

Without another look back, she runs into her preschool classroom and Alex watches as she shoves her purple backpack into her cubby carelessly before quickly going over to the carpet where a few of her classmates are already seated. Compared to the others, she’s so tiny but Alex knows better than anyone that that doesn’t mean shit – if she felt inclined to do so, she could easily hold her own in a fight. He hopes that she never, ever feels inclined to do that, though.

When Jasey starts up what looks like an animated conversation between herself and the boy next to her, who Alex knows to be her friend James, he smiles and feels content enough to leave. Sometimes he gets kind of nervous leaving her. He doesn’t like the fact that he’ll be away from her if she has an asthma attack. Of course, he knows that she’s in good hands – the nurse has her inhaler and of course she knows what to do – but it still makes him nervous. But it’s part of life, really. His daughter has to go to school and he can’t let his fears get in the way of that.

“Sup asshole?”

Alex feels someone shove their elbow into his ribs and he stumbles, managing to steady himself before he falls into the wall. He finds Caleb standing in front of him with a large smile and his son Kennedy resting on his hip.

“What are you even doing here?” Alex asks, rubbing his side with a pained expression. “Last time I checked, your son didn’t go to preschool.”

“No,” Caleb agrees, “But my son is going to be four next fall and since Kyle and I will both be working, he’s going to have to go to here. And I’m signing him up to take the test to see how much he already knows. That way, I can figure out what skills we need to work on before he starts.”

Alex rolls his eyes at the red head. “You’re ridiculous. You’re such an overachieving parent.”

“You’re jealous.”

“I’m not. But think what you want, Caleb. Kenny, you’re daddy’s crazy.”

Kennedy giggles, leaning his head on Caleb’s shoulder. He’s a spitting image of Kyle and sometimes Alex wonders if there’s any part of Caleb in him at all. But then he remembers that Kennedy pretty much has Caleb’s personality exactly, which is lucky. Alex is certain that if he had Kyle’s, he’d be practically impossible to keep under control.

“Hey, have you heard from Bill or Gabe this week?” Caleb asks, changing the subject and putting Kennedy down on the floor. The little boy stands there, clutching onto Caleb’s leg. The difference between him and Jasey always amazes Alex. He’s so shy and timid while Jasey is outgoing and obnoxious. Whenever they have play dates, it’s always interesting to see how they get along.

“I heard from Gabe yesterday. They’re in Uruguay, visiting some of Gabe’s relatives or something like that. He said next is Argentina.”

“Oh. Well that’s cool. I wish I could travel the world. But I would miss you guys, I think.”

“He said they’ll be home by Christmas so… Just a few more months.”

“Oh, yeah, who’s having Christmas this year anyway? Kyle and I had it last year so count us out.”

Alex shrugs, “It can be at my house. I’ll talk to Jack about it. I’m sure he’ll say yes. He likes having parties.”

“Okay. I mean, it’s only October. We have time.”

“Yeah. Anyway, I have to get going. I have to meet my mom at the strip mall because she wants to help me pick out new paint for our living room. I don’t recall ever wanting to re-paint, but whatever. I do what she says.”

By the time Alex gets through the painful process of going shopping with his mother and gets home to the house he and Jack bought together nearly one year ago, it’s nearly noon. He has about an hour before he needs to go back to the preschool to pick up Jasey and about three hours before Jack comes home from work. So with slightly shaky hands, he puts the plastic bag from CVS on the counter in the bathroom and pulls out one of the three boxes inside of it. It’s a pregnancy test, and he really needs to get this over with before Jack gets back.

“Fucking impossible,” He mumbles under his breath as he tries to rip open the box. His fingers fumble along the edges until finally he just decides to rip it open carelessly. He pulls out the directions first, not scanning them quickly. He knows what to do, basically. Who doesn’t know the basics to a pregnancy test? Well… kids under the age of 16 shouldn’t know, Alex decides, because there’s really no reason for them to know and he really hopes that Jasey doesn’t find out until at least the age of thirty. Okay, maybe twenty-five. Whatever.

It takes him less than a minute to pee on the test and lay it on a piece of toilet paper before sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He looks at the clock on the wall, watching the seconds tick by as slowly as possible. He averts his eyes to the ceiling and says, “If there’s a God, I swear, if I’m not pregnant, I’ll go to church every Sunday. I mean, you probably don’t want me there, I’m not very good at religion and according to most of your followers, being gay is a huge sin, but I swear. I’ll do it.”

He knows it’s a lost cause, really. But he figures it wouldn’t hurt to at least try. It’s not that he doesn’t want another kid… He’d love to. But he and Jack have never talked about it once and he’s not so sure if Jack would agree with him on the subject. Jack might think one kid is enough and might be a little upset at the idea of Alex being pregnant.

At the end of the five minutes, Alex practically trips over himself on his way to the sink. He looks down at the test with his eyes closed, hoping to whoever’s up there that he doesn’t see that little pink plus sign. But of course life just doesn’t seem to work out for him when he really, really needs it to. The plus sign glares right back at him and Alex just wants to smash his head against the wall. Because now he has to figure out a way to tell Jack and who knows how that’s going to go down.

- - -

“Can we please discuss why you smell like strawberries?”

Alex looks away from the television and looks over at Zack. The younger boy is standing beside the couch, glaring at Jack and holding onto a bottle of shampoo. Jack shifts uncomfortably under Alex.

“Uh. I don’t smell like strawberries,” he says, wrapping his arms tighter around Alex’s waist, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You do. I smelled you when you passed me in the hall and you smell like strawberries so just admit it!”

Alex sighs and lifts his head off Jack’s chest. He buries his face in Jack’s hair and yeah. He does smell like berries of some kind. “You do, Jack,” he says out loud and he hears Zack make some weird noise of irritation.

“I deliberately hid my shampoo this morning after I used it because I didn’t want anyone – aka Jack – to use it because it’s mine. Stop stealing my shit!”

“Whatever. Do me a favor and go wake Jasey up from her nap, will you? Do something useful for once.” Jack shifts on the couch again and pulls Alex closer. “Then go make me dinner.”

Zack mumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like “I’ll shove this shampoo bottle up your ass if you use it again” but Alex can’t be too sure.

“He is such a little shit. When is he moving out?”

Alex laughs, “Never. He’ll be here forever. Him and Rian. Get used to it.” He curls up on top of Jack and keeps his face pressed into his neck, one hand slowly rubbing circles on his own stomach. He’s not entirely sure how to bring up the subject of the baby. Maybe he should wait until he goes to the doctor and gets everything set in stone.

“What are you making me for dinner?” Jack asks, “I hope it’s something good.”

“Ryan and Brendon are coming over with Delaney and we’re getting pizza.”

“Oh. I like pizza. And I guess I like Ryan and Brendon and Delaney. So overall, this is turning out to be a promising Friday night.”

Alex smiles and snuggles further into Jack. “Do you like me?”

“I love you, actually.”

“Forever?”

“And ever.”

“No matter what?”

“Of course…Why are you even asking that?”

“I dunno. I’m being stupid. Ignore me.”

“You’re hard to ignore. But I’ll try my best.”

An hour later, Alex is sitting at his kitchen table with Delaney on his lap. She’s three now, only a year younger than Jasey. She’s much more advanced than most kids her age -much more observant than anyone would expect a three year old to be. By the time she was two she was noticing the smallest of details, such as the fact that the color of the tablecloth and the color of the cup that Alex is drinking out of are the same. Normally, babies don’t notice anything other than their parents and when they’re being fed.

Alex is fairly certain her observant-ness stems from Ryan. Just because Delaney isn’t biologically his or Brendon’s doesn’t mean she hasn’t taken on either of their habits or characteristics. She’s quiet like Ryan and although Alex has yet to see anything of Brendon in her, he knows it’s there, waiting to show up when she gets a little bit older.

Another thing that was a bit surprising was the complete lack of similar features she shares with neither Rian nor Zack. At first, when she was only a few months old, Alex was sure that her eyes were going to be the same hazel color as Zack’s. But they’ve stayed as blue as the day she was born and nobody’s really sure where that came from.

“Alex, Jasey is kicking me. Tell her to quit it,” Zack whines, slumping forward so he’s leaning on his elbows. Jasey is kneeling on her chair beside him, smiling innocently and picking apart her pizza crust. Her dark hair is a mess, as usual, and her features can so easily be compared to Alex’s when he was her age that it’s almost scary. He thought for sure she would look like Jack.

“Jasey Rae. If you kick him one more time, you’re going in your room. Do you understand me?”

The four year old frowns but she turns her back to Zack and puts her plate in her lap, signaling the end of their little argument. It’s kind of amusing to Alex, really, the relationship that her and Zack have. It’s so much like a sibling relationship, except Jasey is the one who starts most of the fights. She enjoys tormenting Zack, it seems. With Rian, she’s a little more timid just because Rian actually knows how to keep her in line and doesn’t let her beat him up.

“Brendon and I have been planning a trip to New York,” Ryan says suddenly as he cuts up another slice of pizza for his daughter. “We’re going to visit Butcher and Sisky. Would you be into coming?”

Alex nods, “Yeah. Depending on when you go.”

Butcher and Sisky moved to New York - Brooklyn, to be more specific – so that Butcher could pursue his art career more efficiently. That was two years ago and now he has a pretty credible art exhibit displaying his work and they’re both doing pretty well for themselves.

“Summer,” Ryan responds, “Maybe the end of June. That way Jack will be out of school and I’ll be graduated and we’ll be free to do what we want.”

“Sure…” Alex looks at Jack, who’s a little too busy trying to practically fit the entire slice of pizza in his mouth to hear any part of the conversation, and nods, “We’ll talk about it.”

Of course, Alex knows it’s probably not going to happen. By June he’ll be seven or eight months pregnant, possibly nine, and there’s no way he’s getting on a plane to go to New York. Not happening. But he’ll go along with it for now just so that everything seems normal.

After cleaning everything up and putting the leftover pizza into the refrigerator, Alex sits at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee while Brendon sits across from him, flipping through the wedding album that Alex and Jack had recently gotten in the mail. It contains photos from their wedding, which occurred a little over seven months ago and they’ve been waiting for them for what felt like forever.

Alex asks, “Do you think Caleb and Kyle will ever get married?” He keeps his eyes on Zack, who’s lying on the floor with Delaney sitting on his back and Jasey attempting to put what looks like a ribbon in his hair.

“No,” Brendon admits, still looking at the photo album, “Probably not. But I’m not sure that they’ve ever really been interested in the whole…concept of marriage. It’s never been something either of them have ever expressed desire for so… I’m gonna say no.”

“Yeah… Guess you’re right.”

“They will have more kids, though.”

Alex narrows his eyes, “What do you mean?”

“Didn’t he tell you? Caleb’s pregnant again. He told me yesterday.”

Now it kind of all makes sense – why Caleb was at the preschool that morning. He’s going to have a baby on his hands soon and there’s no way he’d be able to keep up with both a baby and Kennedy. “Shit, that’s… Wow. I mean, he hasn’t told me but-”

“He’ll tell you soon,” Brendon assures him, “I actually probably shouldn’t have said anything. Just act surprised when actually does. It’ll make him happy.”

“Yeah… Okay, if I tell you something, you have to swear you won’t tell anyone? Don’t let it slip, like you just did with me with Caleb’s secret. Promise? You have to swear.”

Brendon scrunches his nose, “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m being serious, Bren,” Alex says desperately. He leans looks back at the living room, finding both Jack and Ryan and the others sucked into the TV. “I took a pregnancy test this afternoon. It came out positive.”

“Shit.” Brendon’s eyes widen, “Shit, really? That’s awesome!”

“No!” Alex quickly shushes him, “No, it’s not. Because I don’t know how Jack’s going to feel about this. I need… I need to go to the doctor and get a more accurate test. Will you go with me?”

“Of course I will…But I can’t believe you’d think that Jack will react to that kind of news with anything less than excitement.”

“I just feel like we’re still so young… We’re only twenty four. Normal people are only getting married around now. We’ve already got a four year old.”

“So?” Brendon sighs and puts his hand son Alex’s knees and stares at him with a kind, yet amused look, “You and Jack? You’re not normal. None of us are, Alex. We’re all abnormal. We’re all doing things earlier than normal people. It’s just…the way it is. I don’t think Jack’s going to be upset.”

“I still want you to come with me.”

Brendon rolls his eyes, “Fine. Whatever.”

- - -

“I have no idea why you expected the results to be any different. You took an at-home test and it said the same thing. You shouldn’t be so shocked.”

Alex ignores Brendon and presses the heel of his palm harder into his eyes. His head is pounding and he kind of feels like he did the first time he found out he was pregnant. Except this time it’s under very different circumstances. He’s not alone and he’s not in the same financial situation as before. He’s much better off. So why is he freaking out so much?

“Alex, it’s all going to be fine.” Brendon picks up the phone from the floor and places it back in its charger. “You can tell Jack tonight. He’ll be fine with it. He’ll probably be so fucking excited that he won’t be able to contain himself and start crying.”

“B-but what if he thinks it’s not the right time to have another kid? We haven’t talked about this – we haven’t talked about savings, or-”

“Alex. The doctor said you’re only two months along. That leaves you seven months to plan for another kid. That’s a pretty decent amount of time. Plus, Kyle and Caleb will be going through the same things… Everything’s going to be fine. You’ve done this once. You can do it again.”

“You’re right,” Alex nods, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans, “I shouldn’t be worried at all. A new baby…it’s gonna be great. And Jasey will be excited and…Okay. I’ll tell him tonight.”

“Tonight” just so happens to be the same night that Kyle and Caleb invite everyone over to their house to announce ‘big news’. Of course, Alex already knows what the news is and he’s kind of having a difficult time keeping it from Jack because Jack keeps trying to guess at what it is and he’s so wrong it’s not even funny.

“For the last time, Jack, they’re not moving,” Alex says as he knocks on Caleb and Kyle’s front door. “Just stop trying to guess, you’re making a fool of yourself.”

“That’s what I do best.” Jack winks at him and then he looks down at Jasey. “You are going to be on your best behavior, right?”

The four year old nods and hops up and down impatiently. Last time they came to Kyle and Caleb’s house, her and Kennedy somehow managed to get into the pantry and knocked over pretty much every single item on the first and second shelves. She has a habit of making trouble and getting Kennedy involved somehow.

Eventually, after knocking twice more, Brendon opens the door and claims that nobody heard them knocking because Caleb was blasting some Baby Einstein music. Alex believes it because Caleb has been known to do that.

“Alex!” Caleb exclaims when the three of them enter the kitchen. He jumps up and wraps his arms around his friend for a bone-crushing hug. “Guess what! I already told everyone the news because I couldn’t help myself – Kyle and I are having another baby!”

Alex grins and gives the appropriate response – feigning shock and surprise and acting as though Brendon never said anything to him the other day. He congratulates Kyle and eventually settles into a seat next to Jack. He notices that his husband is wearing a smile but at the same time, it seems kind of forced.

“Are you alright?”

Jack nods, “I’m okay. I’m excited for them.”

“But…”

He shrugs, putting his hand on Alex’s knee. “Kinda jealous, I guess. You know?”

Alex’s breath gets caught in his throat. “What?”

“I mean, they’re having another kid. Do you think we could try? Another baby would be awesome…don’t you think?”

“Jack,” Alex says softly, smiling and feeling his mood instantly brighten. “What if I told you I’m already two months pregnant? Would that make you happy?”

“Seriously?” Jack gapes at him, “You’re serious? Like, positive?”

“Positive.” He presses his lips to Jack’s for a quick kiss before pulling away and adding, “I don’t want to tell anyone else yet. Let Kyle and Caleb have their moment. We have time.”

Jack grins and bumps his nose against Alex’s cheek and that’s when Alex realizes just how lucky he really is.