Here's My Heart

It shouldn’t have been so surprising to Alex that five years would go by so quickly. That’s what they say when you start a family. One minute you’re staring at your new-born baby lying in its crib, cooing and awing over it. And the next, you’re sending them off to elementary school and packing them lunch and warning them not to talk back to teachers. And your house that, at the time you bought it, seemed like it was the perfect size and would be fine for the rest of your lives? It suddenly seems too small, too tight and you’re looking at the housing market.

And that’s pretty much exactly what Alex has been going through over the last five years. His daughter, his baby girl who he worried over and fawned over while she was growing up, the one who had the exact personality of his husband and the body stature of a pixie, is ten. Ten fucking years old and she’s in fourth grade and has more friends than Alex would even know what to do with at that age. Her and Delaney and Kennedy get along just as well, if not even better, than Alex did with Brendon and Caleb and the rest of his friends. She’s flourishing in ways that Alex wouldn’t have ever expected her to when he held her in his arms when he was just nineteen years old, when he was terrified he would break her, and somehow mess her up because he wouldn’t be a good father. Jasey’s surprised him in every way possible.

Then there’s Connor. The little boy who came home from the hospital crying and screaming his lungs out is already five, almost six, years old and even at that age, he’s got his own unique personality and Alex isn’t even sure where exactly it came from. He’s a lot quieter than he was when he was a baby. He keeps to himself for the most part in social situations, does his homework (which is really only practicing his handwriting and tying his shoes) right after school and, even more surprising, does it right the first time. Neither Jack nor Alex ever did that when they were six and Jasey always flat out refused to even sit down to look at the words on the page. He’s smarter than most normal six year olds and Alex swells with pride every time his eyes land on the note from his kindergarten teacher on the fridge telling him just that. He’s in the same class as Landon, Caleb and Kyle’s middle son, and the two of them are just as close as Alex predicted they would be. They’re polar opposites but that’s what helps them get along.

And Jack. If anything, since he met Jack nearly eleven years ago, Alex’s love for him has only grown, if that’s possible. They’ve been married for nine of those years and although they were a little bit stressful at times, they managed to get through them without any serious damage. A little over a year ago, Jack was promoted to Vice-Principal at Saint Jude’s. He was the only one that had the most experience and the most skill to handle the job and Alex is thankful he made Jack take those extra courses at the local college because he’s pretty positive that’s what gave him the edge over every other candidate. Now, they’ve got a more comfortable income and can actually go on vacations without worrying about over-spending.

“You look like you’re thinking way too hard and I’m concerned your brain is just going to explode any second now.”

Alex is shaken from his thoughts by Jack’s voice, and he looks up from the book he had been reading, finding his husband standing across from him at the table. Alex finds himself smiling automatically, because that’s sort of just what Jack does to him.

“What are you doing home?” Alex questions.

Jack grins back, loosens his tie a bit and answers, “It’s my lunch break. Thought I’d stop by and see you. Why do you have Connor’s baby book out?” He slides himself into the seat across from Alex and turns the book so it’s facing him.

“I neglected filling it in for like two years,” Alex responds sheepishly, “I figured I should start catching up on it.”

“What about Jasey’s? What year are you up to with hers?”

“I think I last updated that when she was eight. I don’t know, I at least want to keep track of everything up until their eight or nine, you know?”

Jack nods, flips through the first few pages of the baby book. And then his eyes widen and he snaps his head up, looking at Alex with a horrified expression. “Shit, I forgot to tell you! The school nurse called my cell while I was on my way home. She said Jasey forgot her inhaler so she can’t participate in gym.”

Alex rolls his eyes, “And how long ago was that?” He gets up from the table, walking over towards the medicine cabinet to find one of the extra inhalers they keep in there, waiting for Jack’s response.

“Um. I guess like, ten or fifteen minutes ago. I dunno. But I can go drop it off. You stay-”

“No it’s fine. I’ll go. I have to pick Connor up in a half hour anyway,” Alex assures him, “You relax before you need to go back to work. I’ll go bring this to her and then I can pick up something for dinner on my way back. And maybe go see Caleb. He’s probably going crazy being stuck inside all day.”

“Well that’s what happens when you have a two year old with pneumonia,” Jack points out as Alex grabs his jack off the back of his chair. “Bring him one of those crossword puzzle books or something. That’ll keep him entertained for ten minutes.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Alex leans down and presses his lips to the top of Jack’s head, “I’ll see you later.”

The elementary school that both Jasey and Connor attend is only about fifteen minutes away from their house. It teaches kids from pre-school up until fifth grade and once they hit sixth, they move onto the middle school which is a less than ten minute ride. Next year will be Jasey’s last and then she’ll be moving on, leaving Connor to fend second grade all on his own. It kind of scares Alex, but at the same time he’s kind of content with it. He has to be on his own at some point. If Jasey could manage it, so can Connor.

The school’s nurse knows Alex well at this point. He has to come in often and bring in Jasey’s inhaler because she forgets it way too often. And then there are other times when she doesn’t feel well and wants to come home. Alex has no issue with that, unless she’s missing a test or something, because he’d rather he not feel well at home than in school.

“Finally!” Jasey whines the second Alex steps foot into the nurse’s office, “I already missed half of gym!”

Alex fights back a smile, “Oh sorry, princess. I’ll try and see if I can fly here next time and get here even faster.”

She takes the inhaler out of Alex’s hands and shoves it into the pocket of her jeans, “Work on that,” She says before heading over to the office door, clearly waiting for someone to come get her and bring her back to her gym class. Alex takes in her appearance – she looks nothing like she did when she left the house this morning. Her hair which had been up in a pony tail is now half up and half down. Her arms are covered in marker and pen and she just looks generally like a mess. But that just kind of shows that she’s having fun and getting involved with things, so Alex isn’t too upset over it.

“She’s only missed five minutes,” the nurse clarifies for Alex, smiling sympathetically. “She’s over exaggerating.”

Alex laughs and nods, “Yeah, that’s what she does best.”

“She came in with Delaney Ross. I’m going to assume that they’re friends because they provided me with quite a bit of entertainment before Delaney’s father showed up.”

“They’re really good friends, yeah. They grew up together. Them and Kennedy Burns. Put the three of them together and you’re in for more than you bargained for. But why was Delaney down here? Did she go home sick?”

The young nurse nods, “She said she had a stomach ache. They just left a few minutes after you got here to go get her books for homework so you might run into them on your way out. I’m gonna go bring Jasey down to her gym class.”

“Okay. Well thanks for giving us a call about the inhaler. She would have been in a terrible mood if she came home and wasn’t allowed to do gym today.”

The saddest part is that he’s not even exaggerating. Jasey likes being active and likes taking part in all the activities they do in gym and if something prevents her from doing that, she’s not going to be happy about it and Alex will have to make Jack take her to the park and play Frisbee with her or something else like that.

Alex leaves the nurse’s office when she and Jasey do, and he heads to the other side of the building where Connor’s kindergarten class is. It’s almost one so he should be able to take both him and Landon out a bit early. The teacher knows Alex and knows that he picks Landon up every day. Besides, he’s on Landon’s emergency contact card and Caleb explained to her that Alex would be the one who usually picks him up.

The classroom door is opened, and Alex can see that the kids in the class are basically just cleaning up the room. He can see Landon, blonde hair, pale skin and skinny frame, putting blocks into a large blue bucket and beside him is Connor, shorter, tanner and looking just a bit more observant. He sees Alex almost immediately, eyes lighting up and he tugs on Landon’s shirt sleeve and points towards the door.

“Alex!” Landon calls out, waving happily. He gets up and leaves Connor to finish cleaning up the blocks, wandering over to his teacher who’s sitting at her desk. He speaks to her, pointing excitedly towards the door until she looks up. She smiles when she sees Alex, waves at him in a friendly manner and tells Landon to go get his stuff to go home.

While he waits for Landon and Connor to come out into the hallway, Alex leans up against the wall, all of his weight pressed against it. He’s in the middle of his thoughts on what to make for dinner later when he hears footsteps approaching him. He looks over, grins when he sees Ryan walking towards him with Delaney right beside him.

“I thought you might be here,” Ryan says, adjusting his grip on Delaney’s backpack. “Dee said Jasey was waiting for you to bring her inhaler.”

“Yeah, I already got it to her. But the nurse said Delaney’s sick?”

He looks down at Delaney who nods but doesn’t say anything, instead just slipping her hand into Ryan’s and swinging her arm.

“Yeah she wasn’t feeling too great yesterday and the nurse told me she claimed to have a stomach ache. I figured it wouldn’t hurt. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to call you and ask – Are you the one who’s picking up Gabe and Bill tomorrow from the airport? Brendon said it was either you or Jack and he couldn’t remember.”

“Yeah, that’d be me. I think their flight from London comes in at like…nine or ten. I should be back in time to pick Connor and Landon up –”

“Yeah that’s why I was asking. If you aren’t back, just call me and I’ll come get them for you.”

“Okay, thanks man. I mean, it shouldn’t take too long. Unless they have a million things that they’re bringing back. But I’ll let you know.”

Ryan smiles as Delaney tugs on his hand and tries to pull him towards the exit at the end of the hallway. “Alright. Well I better get going. I’ll talk to you later, Alex.”

“Bye, Ryan. Tell Bren I said hey,” Alex shouts after him, watching Delaney pull him down the hallway. She pretty much runs the show in that family. Brendon and Ryan are wrapped around her finger.

“Alex! Alex, guess what! We got to finger paint!” Landon shouts the second he’s out in the hallway, his Blue’s Clues backpack on his back and his hands held up in front of him.

Alex smiles, taking in the faint orange color painting his fingers. “I can see that. What about you, buddy? You covered in paint too?” He reaches down and ruffles Connor’s dark brown hair, the six year old smiling up at him and nodding his head.

“I used blue!” He holds up his own hands, spreading his fingers and waiting for Alex to react. “It was messy.”

His hands aren’t nearly as blue as Landon’s were orange but there’s definitely evidence of paint on them. Alex smiles again, knowing Connor probably was more careful and didn’t get as much on him, knowing it’d be difficult to get off. It’s the way his brain works and Alex is grateful for that.

“Can we go to Zack and Rian’s house?” Landon questions as they start the walk to Alex’s car. “Please?”

Alex hesitates to say yes. Normally, he wouldn’t and he would agree and tell them they could. But Caleb told him this morning that he wanted Landon home and also, he hasn’t heard from Zack in a little more than three days. He’s called and left messages numerous times but the younger boy has ignored them all. Even Rian hasn’t been answering. It’s strange, but Alex doesn’t want to intrude on their lives. Maybe they’ve got something going on. And then there’s that irritating, frightening little thought in the back of his head telling him this mysterious sudden hibernation has something to do with Zack’s pregnancy.

“We can’t go today, Landon,” Alex says, unlocking the car as they get closer, “Your dad wants you home. But maybe tomorrow.”

“Aw okay.”

He drops Landon off at his house, denying Caleb’s invite to hang out for a while. Jayden, Caleb and Kyle’s youngest son, has pneumonia and Alex would really like to keep that illness from spreading to Connor and then eventually Jasey and then Jack and himself. Yeah, no thanks.

He plans on going to the food store, in an attempt to find something slightly healthy for dinner, but Connor changes his mind, speaking up for the first time since they got into the car.

“Why can’t we go see Zack today?” he asks quietly, tugging at the strap from his car seat.

Again, Alex hesitates to tell him they can’t. Connor loves Zack. He loves spending time with him and Alex knows Zack enjoys spending time with Connor. He’s kind of, in a way, like an older brother to Connor. So, as much as he really wants to say that they can’t go, he sighs, and tightens his hands on the wheel. “We can stop by for five minutes.”

The smile on Connor’s face makes Alex feel better about his decision, and by the time he pulls into Rian and Zack’s driveway, he’s not really worried about what he’s doing. He’s sure that Zack’s fine, that he’s just trying to have a little bit of time alone, especially now that he’s got to deal with morning sickness and cramps and dizzy spells. Everything’s fine.

Zack doesn’t answer the door after Alex knocks three times, though. He knows the younger boy is home, because his car’s in the driveway and he doesn’t have work on Thursdays. So he pulls out the spare key that Zack gave him when they first moved in and unlocks the door, keeping Connor situated on his hip as he walks inside.

“Where do you think he is?” Alex wonders out loud, frowning at the lack of lighting in the house. He flips on the living room lights, finding it empty and it doesn’t seem as if anyone’s been in it recently. “Let’s see if he’s asleep.”

“Okay,” Connor drags out the word, rests his head on Alex’s shoulder, “Maybe he’s taking a nap.”

“Yeah, maybe. Let’s wake him up.”

Zack’s bedroom door is shut, but it isn’t locked, so Alex pushes it open. He finds Zack curled up in the middle of the bed, comforter thrown over his head so all that’s really visible is a small tuft of brown hair.

“Zack? You alive?”

He puts Connor down on the bed, watches him crawl up towards Zack. The six year old looks confused as he gently pokes at Zack’s form. “Is he sleeping?”

Alex doesn’t answer. Instead, he reaches forward, pulls back the covers from over Zack and his heart drops at the state he finds the younger boy in. He’s got a pillow clutched to his chest, his eyes red and watery and it’s more than obvious that he’s spent the better part of the day (possibly even yesterday as well) crying here.

“Zack,” Alex mumbles, climbing up onto the bed. He glances at Connor, who has already noticed that the situation is more serious than he’s used to, is sitting back on his knees and looking at his father with wide eyes. “Zack, what’s wrong?”

“I’m s-sorry,” Zack says softly, wiping at his eyes, “Sorry I never called you back-”

“Zack. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Zack opens his mouth, but then stops himself, looking over at Connor who’s still sitting quietly. He stares at him for a few seconds, his eyes still filled with tears and his hands gripping onto the bed sheets. Alex wants to hit him, or something, just to break him out of whatever sort of spell he’s under. But then the younger boy is shaking his head and biting his lip, glancing back at Alex as he whispers, “I…I lost the baby, Alex.”

-

“So…Zack…is he…”

“He’s devastated, Jack,” Alex says, his hands covering his face as he leans his elbows on the kitchen table. “He blames himself. I’m fucking…I’m terrified that he’s going to fall apart like Brendon almost did. Do you remember that? How awful everything was for him and Ryan?”

“Well…Yeah. I remember, but Zack’s different. He’s…I don’t want to say he’s stronger but…Okay, he’s stronger. He’s going to get through this. And he has Rian. Rian’s not going to leave him like Ryan did to Brendon. They’re so different, Alex. It won’t be the same.”

Alex sighs. “I don’t know. This…I don’t know how we’re going to get through this-”

“You don’t have to get through anything,” Jack tells him, sitting down in the seat beside him and pulling him in closer, “This isn’t your problem. I mean, you have every right to be worried and everything, but it’s up to Rian and Zack to figure things out. Don’t get stressed. They don’t expect you to help them through anything.”

“I…yeah…no I know. You’re right. I mean…Zack seemed to be slightly better after we talked. He wanted to hold Connor and he asked if I could leave Connor with him for a while so… I think…Yeah. He’ll be alright…”

“Where does Rian stand in all of this?” Jack asks, his hands rubbing along Alex’s arms. “Was he home?”

“No,” Alex sighs, “He was at work. But Zack said they talked. Zack blames himself. But Rian told him not to. The baby wasn’t developing. It was nothing that could be prevented so…It’s basically just a matter of Rian making Zack realize that. And I think he’ll be able to do that.”

“And it’s up to me to make you realize that you don’t need to worry so much about it. Yeah, I understand that you’re concerned about Zack but…He’s twenty five years old. Him and Rian are in a healthy relationship and they’re going to get through this. You need to focus on yourself. And your family. And the fact that we have a meeting with our real-estate lady next Tuesday morning about a house five minutes away.”

Alex sighs again, this time a bit less defeated. He knows that Jack is right (he typically always is, though) and he knows he needs to detach himself from the situation. Rian and Zack are strong people. They have a really strong relationship. They won’t fall apart like Brendon and Ryan almost did. They’ll make it through this and come out even stronger in the end. And Alex, of course, will support them in whatever they need or do. But for now, he needs to focus on his own life and making sure that Jasey and Kennedy and Delaney don’t get into any more trouble than necessary and that Connor eventually gets into Harvard. When the time comes, of course.

“You know, I really fucking love you,” Alex says quietly, squeezing Jack’s hand tightly.

Jack grins and laughs lightly, his breath ghosting across Alex’s neck. “I love you too. Even though I can’t remember it, I’m glad I fucked you at that party all those years ago.