I'm Not Alright, Not at All
You Can Stay and Watch Me Fall, I Won't Ask For Help.
Alex has had 'food poisoning' for a month now.
At least, that's what he's been telling Zack.
The truth is nowhere near as innocent.
The truth is ugly.
Horrendous.
Disgusting.
The truth is that Alex barely eats.
Almost never sleeps.
Hunches over the toilet constantly, forcing himself to regurgitate the little food he's forced to consume.
Lies about food poisoning.
Makes it the reason for his protruding hip bones and ribs.
Makes it the reason for his rapidly decreasing appetite and steadily increasing lack of food intake.
The truth is that he's scared.
Scared of what will happen to him if he goes on like this.
He knows the consequences.
Comatose, death.
He can't live on only water forever.
He's reaching the breaking point.
But he's too far in to stop now.
Now, it's his second nature to run to the bathroom after every 'meal'.
To lean over the porcelain bowl and retch until nothing but acid comes up.
What started as wanting to lose weight has grown into an obsession, an addiction.
He's only skin and bones, but he can't quit.
He can't even admit it, can't even seek out help.
Zack would be disappointed in him.
Disgusted with him.
He'd leave.
He'd walk out the door of their apartment and never come back, all because of Alex's stupid decision.
Just the thought makes hot tears spring to Alex's eyes, threatening to spill over and reveal his inner turmoil and the pain that comes with it.
"Are you alright?"
Zack sits across from him, studying his face.
Worry is apparent in his eyes.
Alex's heart clenches.
He's the one affecting Zack this way.
He's worrying him, just because of his 'sickness'.
His empty stomach churns violently.
"Bathroom" he squeaks, jumping to his feet and hurrying toward the door across the hallway, falling to his knees in front of the far too familiar toilet bowl.
He hears Zack sigh.
A long, quiet, drawn-out sound; one he's heard too many times.
He grabs his toothbrush from the sink and shoves the back end far into his mouth.
Pulls it out.
Feels the familiar sensation of bile rising from his stomach.
It travels up his throat and through his open mouth, splashing sickeningly into the bowl beneath his chin.
Hangs his head in shame.
He's done it again.
Has this become an addiction?
He can never seem to hold back, can never seem to stop himself.
He's deteriorating, he can feel it.
He doesn't possess an ounce of fat, bones protrude everywhere, covered only by a thin-stretched layer of pale skin.
He wants to get better.
He does.
But he can't.
Just looking at food makes him gag.
Just thinking about it makes him ill.
He can't stop what his body has become.
He's going to die.
He can feel it in his heart, in his veins.
He's not going to get better.
He cries, tears falling into the toilet and running down his face.
The door opens slowly behind him, a small creaking emitting from within the hinges.
"Alex?"
Alex looks at his boyfriend with blurry eyes.
Blinks hard, and looks at him clearly; witnessing the pain on his face in surreal detail.
Zack's eyes are welling with tears.
"Alex...I know."
Zack's tears fall freely now, and he kneels to embrace Alex, resting his chin in Alex's hair.
Alex sniffles and looks at the floor.
"How long?"
Alex's hair is wet with tears as he responds.
"A month."
Zack's mouth drops open.
He hadn't known it'd been this long. He opens his mouth to speak, but Alex cuts him off.
"How long have you known?"
"A few days."
Alex sighs.
"You know when I went to the 'doctor' and told you I had 'food poisoning'? It was never really food poisoning."
Zack nods slowly, consumed in thought.
They sit for a moment, just taking in the newly discovered truths and the covered up lies.
"Alex...why'd you do it?"
Alex is shaking now, worried.
"I..I wanted to look perfect...for you."
Zack stiffens and tightens his embrace.
"You were already perfect, Alex."
Alex's breathing catches in his throat, needing to ask the most crucial question.
"Are you going to..."
A single tear falls from his reddened eye, dripping down his cheek.
"...leave me?"
Zack gets up slowly, withdrawing his arms from around Alex.
Leans down and pulls Alex off of the bathroom floor.
Hugs him tightly, stroking his hair and whispering softly.
"Never."
At least, that's what he's been telling Zack.
The truth is nowhere near as innocent.
The truth is ugly.
Horrendous.
Disgusting.
The truth is that Alex barely eats.
Almost never sleeps.
Hunches over the toilet constantly, forcing himself to regurgitate the little food he's forced to consume.
Lies about food poisoning.
Makes it the reason for his protruding hip bones and ribs.
Makes it the reason for his rapidly decreasing appetite and steadily increasing lack of food intake.
The truth is that he's scared.
Scared of what will happen to him if he goes on like this.
He knows the consequences.
Comatose, death.
He can't live on only water forever.
He's reaching the breaking point.
But he's too far in to stop now.
Now, it's his second nature to run to the bathroom after every 'meal'.
To lean over the porcelain bowl and retch until nothing but acid comes up.
What started as wanting to lose weight has grown into an obsession, an addiction.
He's only skin and bones, but he can't quit.
He can't even admit it, can't even seek out help.
Zack would be disappointed in him.
Disgusted with him.
He'd leave.
He'd walk out the door of their apartment and never come back, all because of Alex's stupid decision.
Just the thought makes hot tears spring to Alex's eyes, threatening to spill over and reveal his inner turmoil and the pain that comes with it.
"Are you alright?"
Zack sits across from him, studying his face.
Worry is apparent in his eyes.
Alex's heart clenches.
He's the one affecting Zack this way.
He's worrying him, just because of his 'sickness'.
His empty stomach churns violently.
"Bathroom" he squeaks, jumping to his feet and hurrying toward the door across the hallway, falling to his knees in front of the far too familiar toilet bowl.
He hears Zack sigh.
A long, quiet, drawn-out sound; one he's heard too many times.
He grabs his toothbrush from the sink and shoves the back end far into his mouth.
Pulls it out.
Feels the familiar sensation of bile rising from his stomach.
It travels up his throat and through his open mouth, splashing sickeningly into the bowl beneath his chin.
Hangs his head in shame.
He's done it again.
Has this become an addiction?
He can never seem to hold back, can never seem to stop himself.
He's deteriorating, he can feel it.
He doesn't possess an ounce of fat, bones protrude everywhere, covered only by a thin-stretched layer of pale skin.
He wants to get better.
He does.
But he can't.
Just looking at food makes him gag.
Just thinking about it makes him ill.
He can't stop what his body has become.
He's going to die.
He can feel it in his heart, in his veins.
He's not going to get better.
He cries, tears falling into the toilet and running down his face.
The door opens slowly behind him, a small creaking emitting from within the hinges.
"Alex?"
Alex looks at his boyfriend with blurry eyes.
Blinks hard, and looks at him clearly; witnessing the pain on his face in surreal detail.
Zack's eyes are welling with tears.
"Alex...I know."
Zack's tears fall freely now, and he kneels to embrace Alex, resting his chin in Alex's hair.
Alex sniffles and looks at the floor.
"How long?"
Alex's hair is wet with tears as he responds.
"A month."
Zack's mouth drops open.
He hadn't known it'd been this long. He opens his mouth to speak, but Alex cuts him off.
"How long have you known?"
"A few days."
Alex sighs.
"You know when I went to the 'doctor' and told you I had 'food poisoning'? It was never really food poisoning."
Zack nods slowly, consumed in thought.
They sit for a moment, just taking in the newly discovered truths and the covered up lies.
"Alex...why'd you do it?"
Alex is shaking now, worried.
"I..I wanted to look perfect...for you."
Zack stiffens and tightens his embrace.
"You were already perfect, Alex."
Alex's breathing catches in his throat, needing to ask the most crucial question.
"Are you going to..."
A single tear falls from his reddened eye, dripping down his cheek.
"...leave me?"
Zack gets up slowly, withdrawing his arms from around Alex.
Leans down and pulls Alex off of the bathroom floor.
Hugs him tightly, stroking his hair and whispering softly.
"Never."