If I Had Just One Wish

It was really strange, kissing Chris. It was one of those things that I’d been thinking about so much, imagining for so long, that it was hard to know how to react when it actually happened.

His hand was around the back of my neck, his skin surprisingly warm compared to the cold air around us, and our foreheads resting against each other as he pulled back for a third time. It was strange how it’d all seemed to fall in place so quickly, when we’d never done anything other than the occasional snuggling before, and that was completely innocent.

This seemed to be far from innocent, as Chris pulled me closer to him with the hand that wasn’t now in my hair. He moved backwards a little, pulling me with him as our lips connected for a fourth time. I really needed to thank the airline; thanks to them and the weather, I was now in the arms of the guy I’d liked so much for so long that it’d driven me crazy.

I did a mini jump when I felt his tongue touch my lips. In fact, it made me panic so much the kiss broke and I hit my head on the wall next to us. I’d never really tongue kissed anyone before, it freaked me out. Chris could realise what an inexperienced freak I was and not want to kiss me; I couldn’t believe he wanted to kiss me in the first place.

“Sorry, I just kind of. Yeah, I didn’t. Wow. Um, sorry,” I was a bit of a mumbling wreck as I tried to compose myself a little. It was hard, feeling so stupid and awkward when I’d been wishing for this. Everyone knew me as cute, innocent little Jordan, and once again, I was living up to it.

There was this crazy fluttering feeling inside my stomach, there had been since I decided to kiss him. It kind of hurt, actually. It wasn’t like butterflies, it was like angry people the size of ants were having a war with guns and cannons and other painful stuff. But it must’ve been a good kind of hurt, because I couldn’t stop smiling.

I didn’t know what to say after that, I didn’t know if there was anything I could say without ruining the moment further. In the end, I just lay back a little and rested my head in the space by his neck. It felt so warm and comfy and perfect, despite my ruining of our kiss. It was like I belonged there, as cheesy as it sounded.

It was stupid, but I started to get kind of sleepy after that. Neither of us was talking, and we were partially covered by a blanket to block out some of the freezing New York weather. So I wriggled around slightly, snuggling into Chris and closed my eyes. His chest moved up and down very slightly, and I felt so aware of his body underneath mine that it was difficult to fall asleep; somehow though, I managed.

I only became aware of what was happening around me again when I felt Chris carefully slide out from under me and off the bed. It felt empty without him close to me, but I didn’t want to be annoyingly clingy and go after him, wherever he’d gone; plus my eyelids were still heavy with sleep and my brain was so foggy I wasn’t even positive this was really happening. Maybe if I went back to sleep, he’d be back when I woke up? After that thought, things got even hazier, and I let my mind blank out.

The next time I opened my eyes, it was because the room had become considerably colder. I shivered, snuggling up against the blanket covering me. When I realised that it just wasn’t going to work, because it kept getting colder, I just threw the blanket around my shoulders and walked out the door slowly, trying to find the source of the coldness.

Chris was on the balcony that extended from the living room. The door was wide open and he was staring somewhere into the distance; a cigarette in his hand and little flakes of snow occasionally being blown into his face.

I stepped through the door silently and wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind, putting the blanket around him as I did so. He was cold, even colder than the air around us and I snuggled into his back to try and warm him up.

“Sorry, I just needed to get out here and think for a bit,” he sighed, moving his head slightly to be closer to mine. “I want things to be okay between us.”

What did that mean?