Beneath The Surface.

You know the feeling when you want something and wish for it every day and it still never happens?

I've been wishing for Abel to come home for the past six months, and it still hasn't happened. Abel has been my best friend for the past eight years and ive been in love with him for the past five.

But I never told Abel how i feel.

EVER.

When i run it through my head how I'm going to tell him i never go through with it. I always think of what could happen after i tell him.

On one hand he could never talk to me and an eight year friendship would be lost, and on the other he could break my heart telling me that he doesn't feel the same or he could accept it and never be the same around me.

These possibilities have haunt me every day that he has been gone. But when he left i wanted to tell him so bad not knowing if he would come home.

But he will. He will. I have to believe that he will come home just the way he left.

I have been staying with his mom while he has been gone. After Abel's father James died she just had Abel. But now that he is gone, she had no one. Except me.

We have talked to Abel once in the past six months because he is always off base.

Thats what happens when you go to war.

The reason why I am so scared with Abel being gone is because my father died during active duty ten years ago.

My mother went AWOL after he died, so i moved in with my cousin Sam when I was ten. He had only been twenty one at the time, but he has always been there for me and treated me more like i was his sister rather than his cousin. And he kindly let me stay with Abel's mother for the time that Abel will be away or however long i wish to stay.

Sam is very laid back when it comes to social things like hanging out with friends and sleepovers and all that. But add 'hormonal teenage boys who only want a piece of ass" as he puts it, he freaks out.

When i first met Abel, Sam was very protective of me, but as time progressed he became close with Sam and trusts him completely when it comes to me.

Now that i am living with Abel's mother Mary, I talk to Sam every other day to check in with him and we meet up for lunch or dinner on the weekends. Mary has come along a few times but she doesnt like to intrude on our "brother/daughter, cousin/cousin time"

However, Mary and I have a very close relationship. She is the woman that partially fills the gap where my mother used to be. I tell her things that i know Sam doesnt want to hear about. I can always turn to her if i need to talk to someone.

She even knows how i feel about Abel.

I obviously didnt tell her, she just guessed. She has known how i felt since Abel left. She said that she had the feeling that i liked him for a while now. I didnt tell her how long ive been in love with him just that i am. She believes that Abel and i will get together as soon as he gets back, but i dont really believe that.

Sure ive been in love with him for a long time, but i dont think that he feels the same way.

I guess we will have to wait and see.