Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

I stood on the bridge overlooking the dark water. The sky was dark and my whole world felt like an over turned ink bottle. Every color had been doused in thick black, all feelings turned to blackened charcoal. The bright orange fire, will to live, had died leaving behind its dark ashes. I am what’s left.

My hair blew into my face and I heard the water rushing below me, taunting me, telling me to get it over with. I wanted to leave this darkened world and go on to a better one, but something stops me. The water is alluring and for a moment it looks warm. It also looks like there has been black ink deposited in it, swirls of the color found in the churning water. I matched it perfectly, my own dark wardrobe. The dark grey sweater I’d been wearing down to the black canvas shoes. I could sink into it, unnoticed, due to the absence of color.

Cars across the bridge are the only source of light, fleeting, here and then gone like my thoughts. I think of the note I left my parents, my brother, and my best friend. The words are in defiance to my world, written in blue. It is the one gift I can give them, those blue letters, because this world has grown too dark.

Like hands, the wind gripped my arms and pushed me forward. My own breathing was the loudest sound I could hear, the whoosh of cars is muted and the call of the water had dimmed. I feel a tear fall from my eye because of this saddening goodbye. I didn’t want to leave like that. I want to leave like a firework, colorful and bright, but there is no way. Chipped black fingers grip the icy pole and I lean forward as if to test my resolve. The water gets louder and I lean back. My tear has become a torrent and begs to meet its cousin, the river below.

“Hey, what’re you doing out there?” My heart beat quickened as a voice calls out, it’s you. I will myself to be invisible in the dark night but it’s impossible. I heard footsteps coming towards me but all I did was close my eyes and feel the wind. “Are you crazy? It’s freezing out here.” I felt eyes on me but I refused to look.

“Shit, are you crying? What the hell.” I felt some warmth as a cloud of your breath hit my face. You’re keeping your distance and I want to keep it that way. “What are you doing Melanie?” The sound of my name startles me.

“Get any closer and I’ll jump.” My voice is shaky as I say the words, but I remember keeping my eyes closed. I’m surrounded by my own darkness.

“Jesus, what the hell? You’re going to jump?!” I hear the surprise in your voice and then the panic. “Fuck! Let me call the cops, just don’t move.”

“No.” my voice broke. “No cops, no nothing. Just leave me alone.”

“Fuck no! What kind of person do you think I am? You just told me you were going to jump! Why the hell would I leave you alone now?” I hear your breathing accelerate slightly as you panic.

“Just go, you didn’t see me.” I bite my lip before those last dark words, once someone else’s. “You saw nothing.” I wait for you to accept it and leave, but you don't.

“Again, what kind of person do you think I am? Melanie, get the fuck away from that edge.” You’re frantic. My mind wanders. Who are you? I want to open my eyes and see but at the same time I don’t. I don’t want to change my mind. “Fuck its dark out here.” I can hear you try to warm your arms by rubbing them.

“Just go.” I whisper. “Leave me alone.” The words come out but my mind is begging for the opposite.

“Why are you doing this?” you’re still trying to warm up. Something makes me want to talk to you.

“Why am I doing what?”

“This! This… this jumping off a bridge and dying crap!” you’re flustered and don’t know what to do. “Don’t you have family or something?”

“Yes, I wrote them.” I whispered. I didn’t want to be reminded.

“So what the hell?!”

“It’s dark.”

“Yeah, it’s nighttime. That’s kind of what happens at night, it gets dark, but then morning always comes and it’s light again.” The weight of your words hurt.

“Not at the poles.”

“Yeah, well there are always exceptions.” I remember how you stood there breathing.

“I’m an exception.” I whispered. It’s more for me, but maybe there is a part of me who wants you to hear, but it doesn’t matter because you did.

“You’re an exception? What do you mean?”

“It’s dark and it’s not going to be light anytime soon.”

“What? So you might as well go to it?” you begin pacing. “Shit…” you whispered and I hear movement, your hands were running through your hair. “Just, come back Melanie. Get off the ledge and we can talk ok?”

“You know what Melanie means?” I took a deep breath. The sound of the water rushing beneath me gets louder.

“No…” your voice trailed off.

“It means black or dark in Greek.” I heard you snicker a little.

“Right, I remember that English project. My name means bringer of light.” I forgot my reasons for a moment and opened my eyes. I’m leaning over the water and it scared me. I staggered backward, away from the railing. “Ironic huh?” you said as you grabbed me and pulled me away from the ledge.

“Lucas?” I look at you and find it’s true. Your hair is golden and eyes a bright blue. You’re the bringer of light into a dark world.

“You ok?” you looked at me and I nodded silently. I wanted to keep you talking. That’s the main thing. “Damn it, why would you try something like that.” But you don’t ask it as a question, it’s some sort of explanation. Then I suddenly felt the cold of the night. The wind cuts through my sweater like a knife and I started shivering. “Shit.” You mutter but without hesitation you hugged me. That night you hug me and don’t let me go. You practically carry me back to your house on the other side of the bridge. You told me later you had been walking home.

Here I stand again. This bridge my old friend, but this time the sky is blue and the trees are green. The sidewalk is silver with sparkles in it. My clothes are bright and colorful. The riverbank is a mix of colors and the water is a blue green. My firework. In the months that followed you checked up on me, brought me to ‘Your God’. Helped me find my light. You were my light. There is something about near death experiences that bring people together. Undoubtly, I fell for you, my light.

What now, my light, my darling? They say you are sick. They say its cancer. They say you don’t have much time left. I miss you, Lucas, my bringer of light. The Latin meaning holds nothing to my own. Your bright blue eyes have darkened, paled and here I am. I stand here knowing that you won’t walk this bridge tonight. I stand here knowing that without you I wouldn’t know that this bridge is green. My mind is lost and I want to be with you. I see color, but again there is no light within this dark world. So, my light, dear Lucas I beg him to take me and not you. I visit you and wish it was me. Your gold hair is gone, but you are still so bright. My lantern, sweet light, is slowly burning out. I’ve begged God to return my sunshine to me and he hasn’t heard me.

My sunshine, my only sunshine, you’ve brought me more happiness than I deserve. But I want to give you back life, I owe you this much. Sweet heart this is my last legacy, this letter to you, because I’m not going to live without you and maybe, soon according to your doctors, I’ll see you soon. Lucas, forgive me, but if this helps at all, if it makes you better at all. It’s worth it. I’m flying off this bridge to God and asking, Please don’t take my sunshine away.