Forget-Me-Nots

Snow is falling all around me. My hands are shaking, and my breath comes in shorts bursts. I can feel the cold taking me over, dragging me under. I’m standing in the yard, facing the woods. I have no idea how I got out here or why I was here. I turn towards the house and start my retreat back into the warmth of my room. My feet are numb and turning blue, making my walking unsteady. I collapse onto the ground halfway there. My entire body is numb and not working right. The snow begins to fall harder and soon I can’t see anything in front of me. My eyes feel heavy so I close them. But as I’m drifting off I can hear him calling my name. I can feel him picking me up and carrying me away. And then everything is black.

I wake in the eerie silence of my room. I am wearing sweat pants and a hoodie, tucked neatly under my blankets. I sit for a moment, how did I get here. I look around cautiously for any signs of another person in the room. It’s empty except me, but surprisingly clean. All the clothes that littered my floor were now stuffed in my laundry basket, my Cds were put away, and all the papers that had been spread about my bed were neatly stacked on my desk. There is no way I’m awake right now. I must still be dreaming.

I push the covers aside and get out of the bed, pulling a quilt around my still shivering body. I walk to the door and open it slowly, sticking my head out to listen. I can hear the low murmur of my mothers television but nothing else catches my attention. I push the door open all the way and head down stairs. My mothers door is shut but I am drawn to a light coming from under the door of my dad’s study. Pressing my ear to it I hear only pencil writing on paper and someone’s breathing. My father isn’t supposed to be home until tomorrow. I tip-toe down the hall and crack open the garage door, confused by the sight of his car parked snugly next to my jeep. I return to his study and knock quietly on the door.

“Come in.” a voice commands on the other side.

I push it hesitantly open and slip in without making much noise. If there’s anything these past two months have taught me it is how to walk quietly. My father is behind his desk concentrating hard on whatever it is he is writing. He doesn’t even look up to see who it is. Though I suppose he knows it is me and now my mother.

“How long has she been toting his toy around for?”
“Since his funeral.” I say. Talking about my brother makes me nervous and sad. My father gives me a blank stare. He knows she’s had it in her arms since then. But I’m good at avoiding what he really wants to know.

“How long has she been talking to it?” he asks as he runs his hand over his tired looking face. It hurts my heart to see my dad look this way. But I can do nothing for him, I can barely keep up with my own hurt right now.
“Since Gage.” I whisper as I stare down at my bare feet peeping through the blanket wrapped around me.

“Were you going to tell me it is getting worse?” the words come out harsh, but I can tell he’s not annoyed at me, rather at the situation.
“I didn’t want to worry you while you were at work. Speaking of. I thought you weren’t going to be home until Thursday.” Oh the art of changing the subject. He gives me a worried look before glancing at his watch and then his computer screen. I curl up on the leather couch by the door and wait for his answer.

“Finn today is Thursday. Are you feeling alright?”

There is no way I spelt for two days. I thought I had been dreaming about being in the snow. I thought I had dreamt him again. I shiver at the thought of sleeping for some long. Why didn’t she wake me up when I didn’t bring her breakfast.

“Finn.” he says again
“I’m fine dad. I must have just been really tired that’s all. I feel like I’ve slept for days. Where’s mom?”

He sighs at this and gathers his papers up before pushing his chair out and motioning for me to follow him. He leads me to the bedroom door and walks in, making room for me to enter as well. She is on the floor with a game board set up in front of her. A black bear and green alligator are on either side of her and she is taking softly. My father clears his throat.

“Macy would you like me to make you some lunch?”
“Oh look its daddy and sissy, maybe they will play with us.” she says excitedly. She looks at the alligator and smiles. I can see the sorrow in my dads eyes as he stares at her. Willing her to get better and come back to him.

“Darling what would you like to eat?” he tries again.
“Oh nothing. We’re fine. Gage was by earlier and made us lunch.”

I stop breathing for a minute and stare. Gage. Ever since she started acting like this all she asked for was Gage to come home. What happened in the two days I had been asleep that is changed in her twisted mind. I can’t help the tears that start to build up in the corners of my eyes. My father pushes me out of the room and shuts the door behind him softly.

“I’m calling my friend Xavier today. He works at Prairie Saint John‘s Psychiatric Center in Fargo. I think your mother needs to get some professional help.”
“That’s over an hour away.” I say uncertainly.
“It’s a good place. I trust the people there." and then he walked away, retreating back to the solitude of his study.