You Can't Say Goodbye

If you had asked me how all of this happened, I probably would not be able to come up with a real rational answer. I could not remember when it is that I met him, it happened so long ago, but I sure as hell had remembered the past year and a half that we had spent together.

The year and a half of love.

The year and a half of affection.

The year and a half of passionate sex.

The year and a half of the affair that we shared.

I looked at the clock that stood on the bedside table and a sigh passed my lips. His hold had loosened around my waist and I knew that he was in a deep sleep by this point. I shifted my body so that my back wasn’t pressed against his chest anymore. Reaching down, I grabbed his white button up shirt from the floor and my discarded panties.

Sitting up I pulled the white material over my arms and buttoned a few buttons. It would cover me to my mid-thighs when I got up so I was not worried about putting on any pants. Throwing my legs over the edge of the bed I ran my fingers through my blonde hair as I looked back at the man that was lying there sleeping. A sigh passed my lips once again as my mind became plagued by thoughts that I could never control.

I pulled my panties up as I stood up and walked towards the door. It was summer time in California and it was warm as all hell. I knew that I wouldn’t freeze standing out there dressed so scantily. I grabbed my Newport cigarettes off of the table along with the lighter just before I headed out. It was the only thing that cleared my mind and Matt never judged me on my smoking unlike my husband. Matt understood that I needed them to clear my head, Andrew never understood how those ’cancer sticks’ could possibly help anyone.

Matt and I had been friends for years, it seemed almost like an eternity. I knew all the guys in the band, they were like brothers to me, but none of them knew what was happening between Matt and I. I never wanted anyone to know, I was afraid on how it is that they would judge me, how much they would hate me for what was happening. But all of it was out of my control, it wasn’t something that we had planned to happen. We had never flirted but when Andrew and I got into the worst fight of our relationship, I went to Matt for advice. We drank and talked and that led to us fucking that night.

It should have been a one-time thing, a mistake that we should have never repeated but it repeated multiple times. I could not tell him goodbye, I could not leave him, not when he made me feel as free as a bird. He never judged me, he never looked down at me for anything that I did and I didn’t want that to end.

Once I shut the door to my balcony closed, I put a cigarette between my lips as I lit it up. I loved the feeling of taking the first hit of a lit up cigarette, it was the best pull out of all of them.

I needed to figure out this whole thing with Matt soon. I couldn’t continue this affair going on for much longer. I was twenty-eight years old after all and I wanted kids, a normal life. I knew that while I was with Matt and Andrew I couldn’t get off of the birth control. I didn’t want to get pregnant and not know whose kid it was. That was a drama nightmare that I never wanted to live through.

But I knew that if and when I left Matt, I would not find anyone else like him. I would never have the same kind of feeling for any man ever again, I would never feel this free with my husband. The thing was that I knew that I would never be able to be truly faithful to my husband. He made me nervous, made my anxiety rise and drove me to fits of rage that left me blind with anger.

“What are you doing out here this late?” Matt’s raspy voice invaded my mind as he pushed the door fully open and he stepped outside in just his boxers. We were not afraid of being caught, not here. No one would see us here; it was my summerhouse that was tucked away in a reclusive area where no neighbor can see anything.

“I couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t stop thinking about what’s going on between us.” A sigh passed his lips as he reached for my pack of cigarettes and pulled one out for himself. Lighting it up, he leaned against the door as the smoke slowly danced past his lips. He smoked rarely, but when this conversation came up, he couldn’t help but reach for the same calming mechanism as I did.

“You need to think less, you won’t worry as much. It causes wrinkles and you don’t want to get them earlier then you’re supposed to.” I laughed lightly as I took another long pull from my cigarette and looked out towards the woods and how the moonlight danced along the branches.

“What we are doing is wrong. If anyone ever finds out, so many people will be hurt and angry with us. I don’t want to lose any of my friends just because you and I can’t say goodbye.” Taking another pull from his cigarette Matt reached for my left hand with his. Grabbing it he brought it up to his lips, planting a kiss to my fingers.

“I know that you feel guilty about what’s happening between us.” He told me as he ran his index finger over my ring that told the world I was married. “But I’m not ashamed about anything that we have done in the past year and a half. The ring that’s on this finger does not worry me and neither does the one that’s on mine. It’s not stopping us from doing what it is that we do. I wouldn’t care if people found out though.” I rolled my eyes.

“You do know what it would do to you, right? You know how hated I would be? I don’t know if I can do this anymore and because of that I don’t think we can be friends.” Matt chuckled as he finished off his cigarette at almost the same time that I did. He was always a fast smoker but I took my time, enjoying every pull that I took.

“I’m not the reason that you stray away from Andrew. I’m not the reason you cheat. We can stop talking, stop being friends but it doesn’t mean that you won’t go astray anymore.” I rolled my eyes as I pulled my hand away and crossed my arms over my chest, his shirt sliding further up my thighs. It barely covered me anymore, but I didn’t care.

“You don’t know that.” I knew he was right though. It’s not that I never loved Andrew, I did and I still do but there was a spark that was always missing. It wasn't that uncommon in relationships and each person had their ways of filling that spark, that gap in the relationship. Some put it in their work, some picked up a hobby and me, well I cheated on a person that I knew I loved.

“Yeah I do and that’s okay baby. But you come back to me because I make everything alright and perfect in your life. I know that when you fall asleep in my arms, that head of yours is clear of any thoughts. I know that you don’t have that with him. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m in the same boat as you. I’ll admit that I cheat on Val not because of you, but because you fill the gap that is missing in mine and her relationship.” I nodded my head as I pulled another cigarette from the small box and lit it up.

I was not hurt by his words or offended by them. I knew they were true because they applied to me, but I knew that I wasn’t just a random fuck. We had gotten so deep into this that we would not be able to break things apart between us without hearts being broken.

“When this whole thing started I always wondered if a relationship between you and me would work.” Matt chuckled as he lightly scratched his chin while his tongue darted out of it’s mouth and licked at his bottom lip.

“It would.”

“Really? Now why is that?” I asked him, my eyebrow cocked in amusement.

“Because I know that if I was to go out and you wouldn’t be able to come with me, you wouldn’t ask me to stay home like she does. You would let me be free because in the end that’s what you need in a relationship for it to work. You need to feel free even when you are tied down to that person for the rest of your life.” I nodded my head understanding where it is that he was coming from. Andrew was the same. He never wanted me to go out by myself and it drove me crazy, that it is until it drove me to cheat.

If you asked me if I regretted it, I wouldn’t even think twice about my answer.

No. I didn’t regret any of it and I would change nothing about how this happened. If Matt got enough balls, I would runaway with him, but only time would tell if we were truly meant to be together. But I know that if he asked me, I would follow him wherever it is that he went, but only if he asked me too.