To Fathom

“Kai, I still don’t know how you got my number!” I scream into my phone. He chuckles. “Well, I’ll tell you about it when we hang out.” I walk downstairs, greeted by mom and dad, who are making pancakes in the kitchen. Kiera, my older sister, sits with her legs crossed at the kitchen table.

As soon as I see Kiera, my heart stops and I freeze. She puts down her coffee cup and comes over to me. I don’t say anything. If Kiera is here, then Tarou, my other older sibling, is obviously here. I hang up on Kai and stare at Kiera. Wow. Look at Jania! She looks so edgy… She thinks. I almost growl and I make sure that my eyeliner is still in place.

“I’M HOME!” She screams, enveloping me in a hug. I hesitate before I hug her back. What is Jania wearing? Now that I’m back I’ll make her wear some decent clothes.

I pull back and frown. “What are you doing here? I thought you were up in New York. You know, strutting down a runway. With designer clothes. Looking like a prostitute.” Kiera pulls back and mom screams, “Jania! Don’t say that to your sister! She’s home!” I roll my eyes. “Why are you here, Kiera?” I put my hands on my hips and try to listen for her thoughts. But nothing, I hear nothing. She’s just stunned. “M-Modeling season is over. Tarou’s here too. Both of us are on a vacation until the rest of the year.”

I push past Kiera and pick up a strawberry from the kitchen table. I’m sorry, Jania. I really truly am. I groan as I shoot her a death glare. “Don’t be sorry!” I scream without thinking. Kiera looks at me weirdly, and so do mom and dad. I blush and hurry up the stairs and try not to wipe the tears from my eyes. Kiera and Tarou are both models, and there’s no way I can compete with that.

I barge into my room, slamming the door behind me. Of course Kiera and Tarou are so much better then me. Of course they both graduated from Harvard University. Of course a modeling agency stopped them in the middle of the road, asking them to give them a call. Of course they become models. Of course.

Thinking about Tarou and Kiera, my mind begins to wander, and it drifts off to Marek. I wonder what he’s doing right now. I think. Is he having sex again? Maybe.

My door swings open, and Tarou lunges at me with all his might. “TAROU! GET OFF OF ME!” I scream, putting my hands on his stomach and shoving him away from me. “Haha! It’s good to see my little sister again! How’ve you been?” I don’t answer, and instead glare at him.

He mockingly glares at me back, but I don’t respond whatsoever. He eventually gives up and ruffles my hair and leaves the room. Tarou was always so easy to break.

I sit in my room for a while, listening to the chatter of my siblings and my parents. They’re all talking around the kitchen table, all eating mom’s pancakes and fresh strawberries. I can almost picture Kiera wrapping her lips around her strawberry so sexily; the same way she wrapped her lips around the raspberry that seduced Marek.

It’s stupid how my own mother and father look up to my brother and sister. Both of them are everything they’ve ever wanted to be. They’re beautiful, smart, lovable, and friendly. It’s easy to love both of them, but they aren’t responsible. They can break your heart in any second, like Kiera broke mine.

I hear the phone ring, and I tumble down the stairs, screaming, “IT’S FOR ME! IT’S FOR ME!” When I get downstairs, I see Kiera reaching for the phone. I look at her, and she smiles and recoils her hand. She glances at the caller ID and smiles even wider. “Who’s Kai Miller?” She asks. Why can’t she just accept that I’m trying to reach out for her? It’s been so long since the incident.

I push her away, which makes her scream like the little girl she is. “I’m not over Marek yet, Kiera.” The whole room gets quiet. I pick up the phone and run up the stairs, ignoring Tarou screaming my name. I run into my room and shut my bedroom door.

“Hi Kai…”



“I can’t believe you do this for fun!” I scream, scraping mud off of my sneaker and grabbing hold of a rock. Kai laughs and comes towards me. “The view is going to be worth it. I promise.” He takes my hand and I stiffen. I don’t get up. His hand is so warm and I can’t hear his thoughts at all. His eyes are so transfixed on mine that I can’t hear myself think. I finally get up and smile. I let go of his hand and his smile goes away. Oh. He thinks.

“How do you like hiking?” I say, following him up Sugarloaf Mountain, a medium sized point near D.C. He doesn’t say anything, but I pull my water bottle out of my backpack.

I didn’t know that Kai liked hiking. I thought that when our counseling assignment asked us to do the hobby of Partner A, I meanly expected that he would bring me to an eating contest. She probably thinks I’m a total bastard for bringing her up here. He thinks.

I feel guilty all of a sudden. I shouldn’t be such a bitch. If this is what he likes to do, then this is what he likes to do. Tomorrow will be my day of fun and I should at least hold out for Kai. “So the view will be nice, right?” I mumble. He turns around and laughs. I like his laugh. It’s soft and kind and his eyes twinkle when he chuckles. He nods his head and continues on walking. “Oh yes, the view will be worth it. I promise.”

We don’t say anything to each other after that, and the soles of my feet are getting tired. I don’t dare complain again, because if I do, I’ll sound even more like a bitch. Kai doesn’t think much when we hike. He just thinks about the mountain and his math homework.

But sometimes, I catch him thinking of me. I catch him thinking of me smiling. I’ve even seen him picture me painting, and images of me laughing are sometimes in his mind also. Maybe I’m not so unknown after all.

The sun beats down on me, and I reach for a tree to retain my balance. Kai keeps on walking, and I don’t have the strength or energy to call his name out.

When I let go of the tree, my foot slips off a stick and I fall down hard. I tumble 2 feet down, and I feel a stick jabbing into my knee. I scream in help, and Kai comes rushing towards me with a worried look on his face. “Jania! JANIA!” He screams.

He kneels beside me and takes out a first aid kit. His head gets close to mine and I feel fluttery inside. He takes a piece of cloth and presses it to my open wound. His hands are vibrating from the nervousness and I blush. Her skin is so soft. He thinks.

I get even more nervous and I try to move away from him, but every time I edge away, he comes closer. “Stay still.” He whispers in my ear.

He presses my cut for about 10 minutes before he takes out ointment. He puts it on, but I scream, try to reach for my wound, but accidentally grab his hand. He smiles and holds it. “I know it hurts. You can hold my hand. My dad’s a doctor. He does this to his patients all the time.”

So here I am, holding Kai Miller’s hand. I think. We don’t say anything after that, but I continue to hold his hand. It’s soft and warm, and I feel like I never want to let go.

“So, how’d you start hiking?” I ask. He looks up at me while wrapping a bandage around my knee. He shrugs, but I don’t take no for an answer. “Kai. Part of this assignment is to know how your partner started the hobby.”

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, until I grab the sleeve of his shirt. “You can tell me.” I say. His face falls and his eyes go sad. I immediately regret asking him. “When my mom left, the last thing she told me was ‘Go for a hike, Kai. I don’t want to see you or your father again!’ And I followed her.”

When my wound is treated, we don’t say anything to each other ‘till the view. I think about Kai, and I realize that I don’t know anything about him. Sometimes I’m just so judgmental about people that I create a stereotype of them in my head. But it still doesn’t make sense why he would think that stuff about me.

“We’ll set up camp here.” He says, putting down his tent bag. He sets it up, putting down poles like an eagle scout. I try to help, but fail miserably.

Kai stops me suddenly and takes out a sandwich. He doesn’t say anything about it, but he takes out another one and eats it. I bite into it and immediately I spit it out. Kai looks at me, horrified.

“IS THIS FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER? I HATE PEANUT BUTTER!” I say, trying to spit out the flavor out of my mouth. He rolls his eyes, takes the sandwich away from me, and throws it aside. “Why are you being so difficult? At least I made you a snack!” I let out a snort. “It was on the form that we had to fill out! Under the category, ‘Things I hate:,’ the only thing I put was peanut butter. You were supposed to read it! Now I can’t get the damn taste out of my mouth!” I say.

Kai lets out a sigh and continues to set up. I call after him. “Wha-wha-where are you going? Do you at least have a mint? Or, like, gum? Kai! PLEASE!” I finally catch up to him and rest a hand on his shoulder. He shakes his head and laughs. “Oh please. Now you’re begging me for help?”

I nod slowly, and he sighs once again and pulls a pack of Mentos out of his pocket. “Here, knock yourself out.” I smile at him. Jeez, that girl is a pain. He thinks.

My appetite is suddenly lost.



“Jania. Jania. Jania. GODDAMNIT JANIA! WAKE THE FUCK UP!” Kai screams.

I suddenly wake up, and I find Kai’s face dangerously close to mine. We stay like this for around a minute, but then it gets too awkward. “What?” I ask, snuggling out of my sleeping bag. The tent fits 5 people, and Kai made sure to bring this extra large tent so we wouldn’t feel uncomfortable around each other.

“Bring your sleeping bag.” He says, taking his out of the tent also. I stare groggily at him, since it’s about 12am at night.

He practically drags me out, but it’s all worth it.

He sets down my sleeping bag while I am in complete awe.

The night sky makes the stars shine bright, and the light shines down on the mountains like a spotlight. It’s so beautiful and it’s nothing like I’ve ever seen before. I can stay here forever.

Beautiful. I hear Kai think. I turn his way to share the same thought about the view, but something catches me off guard.

Instead of looking at the scenery, he’s looking straight at me.

And something in his eyes say that he’s been looking at me.