To Fathom

“That bitch did what?!” Ron screams, pacing around in his room. There is a knock on the door and Mrs. Carmine, Ron’s mom, comes in and quietly hands us a bowl of M&M’s, natural all herb tea, and 4 Snapples.

“What bitch?” She says, tiptoeing in the room with her brown moccasins. She has on a long white skirt, a tee-shirt that says, “I Am a Magical Fairy”, and a white beanie in which she had drawn all over.

I smile at her as she takes a seat on Ron’s rocking chair. Ron’s room is overall, a girly room. The walls are coated in bright green paint, lined with white bookshelves containing every Seventeen magazine known to man to every classic novel ever written. His closet is big and walk-in, containing many full- length mirrors and not to mention, a heaping wall of clothes. CD’s and headbands and nail polish are all thrown across his bedroom door, whereas posters of Gucci, Chanel, and Burberry are all artfully framed.

“Kiera. She totally had the guts to just even offer girl talk to Jania after Marek’s dick ‘accidentally’ slipped into her.” Ron makes quotation marks when he says ‘accidentally.’
Mrs. Carmine’s mouth drops open while I look at the ground. I pop in an M&M. “It’s true Rori. It’s true.” I say. One thing that makes me jealous of Ron is his parents. Rori and Mitch Carmine are so spectacularly cool that it blows your mind. They’re both practically hippies. They make everyone call them by their first name, including Ron and I. They eat cool foods for dinner and let us say bad words. They feel as though they shouldn’t guard us and only let us abide by few rules because they say that this is our life. To Ron, they’re more like friends rather than parents.

Ron opens a Snapple and crosses his legs. “Don’t worry Jan. Kiera looks like a snake while you have edgy looks and amazing bone structure. You and Tarou are the most gorgeous ones in the family!” He says. Most of my friends in the past have always crushed on Tarou. Even Jilli and Katya thought he was hot when he drove me to school last year.

“Well, thanks Ron.” Ron’s smile twitches, but I refuse to read his mind. In the Carmine household, I don’t read their minds. They’re almost like my second family and sometimes, I care for them even more than my own kin.

“Jania, Marek is weird anyways. It seems like he doesn’t have a clue on how to work girls.” Rori says to me. I nod and sip some tea. “Yeah. He was really awkward around Kiera, so I don’t understand why they hooked up. But, it’s not like I care.” I say, my face blushing bright pink. Rori chuckles and exits out of Ron’s room. “Of course you don’t care.” Ron whispers, flopping onto his double bed. I drop in right next to him.

“Marek is a dick.” I say, staring at the ceiling. “Well, duh.” Ron says. I immediately know that this is where I feel safe.



I stay at Ron’s for dinner. Mitch, Ron’s dad, gets Chinese takeout and drops it on the kitchen counter, taking off his black blazer. He slides the rubber band that conceals his long, golden hair and takes off his glasses.

I love Ron’s dad too. He’s a lawyer, so he has to be somewhat professional, but when he gets home, he’s as hippie as can be. “Hey guys! You are staying for dinner, Jan, yeah?” Mitch asks. I nod furiously and walk over to the plastic containers. “Mmmm, I love Chinese Village. They have the greasiest, meatiest egg rolls I’ve ever tasted. They’re delicious.” I say, reaching in and biting one. Mitch laughs and hurries Ron and Rori down to eat. “Chinese Village! Yes! I love you dad!” Ron exclaims, literally jumping up and down. Rori takes a container and runs, probably finishing an art project. “Rori!” Mitch yells while she goes up the stairs. She turns around and smiles. “I’m working on a sculpture for the art festival going on next week. Have to finish it soon. I’ll watch Mean Girls with you guys later.” The door slams. Mitch laughs. “Mean Girls?” He questions, looking at Ron. He shrugs. “What? It’s my turn in movie night!”

I bite into some more noodles. I glance over at Ron and Mitch, and I feel jealous. It’s not fair that Ron gets to have a nice, stable home, and I don’t. It sucks.

I finish one last egg roll and put my shoes on. Ron doesn’t even seem to notice, he’s too busy nibbling on the side of a dumpling. “Where are you going, Jania?” Mitch asks. I smile. “My belly’s full. I’m gonna head out. See you tomorrow.” I say, shutting the door behind me. I know it’s incredibly rude for me to not hear their answer, but it’s not like Mitch is big on manners. He lets Ron eat off the floor.

I walk out of Ron’s incredibly huge house, one of the biggest houses in our neighborhood, and venture out into the sidewalk. I can’t go back home, that is definitely not an option, in case I want to be smothered in hugs by Kiera, tears dripping down her porcelain cheeks, yelling, “I’m sorry Jan! I’m so sorry!” She’s probably the world’s biggest drama queen. I can’t go back in Ron’s house, it will seem weird just barging into room again and complaining about how Kiera made my life even more miserable. I can’t go anywhere, so I just take out a cigarette and light it gently, sucking on it and blowing out black clouds of smoke.

I decide to walk around, since really there is nothing better to do. Eventually, my cigarette runs out and I leave it on the ground, stomping on it with my sneaker.

There’s nothing to do at all. My town is so extremely boring and I am so extremely broke that nothing entertains me.

“Jania?” Someone says. I turn around and see Donovan. His dark brown, almost black hair is rumpled and his outfit consists of a pair of blue sweatpants and his lacrosse jersey. His keys are twirling around his index finger, and right now, I would say that he looks extremely cute. “Hey, what’s up?” He says, taking a few strides closer to me.

I shrug. “Just going around the neighborhood. Bored out of my dim-witted mind.” I mumble. He steps closer. “Bored? Jania Wilson is never bored. She makes unicorns appear and loves life!” Donovan says, sarcastically, throwing his hands in the air.

I giggle quietly and lift my chin up. What’s she doing out here all alone? Donovan thinks. “I’m out here all alone because I don’t want to be home alone with my sister.”

Donovan looks at me surprised and rumples his hair some more. “How did you know I was going to ask you that?”

Oh shit. “Ask you what?” I say, trying to wipe a knowing smile off of my face. My phone is vibrating in my back pocket and I desperately want to take it since I know that it’s Ron, but Donovan is looking at me so curiously that I couldn’t look away if a hydrogen bomb blew up right behind me.

“I was going to ask you why you’re out here all alone, but then you answered it yourself. How did you know that?” He’s stepping closer. I shrug. “Just an inkling, I guess?” I say, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. He’s still looking at me and not thinking anything. Oh God, could this get any more awkward?

After a few minutes of Donovan looking at me and thinking whether or not he should deepen the conversation, he finally gives it up and smiles. “Do you want to go somewhere with me? Like, right now, if you’re so bored?”

It isn’t really a date… He thinks. I smile. “Of course. Where?” I ask, trying to sound giddy and girly. It’s not working.

Donovan shrugs. “A secret place that I found while I was doing a project for science, it’s really nice. I promise. It’s a stream in the middle of the forest, and it feels like you’re in a fairytale.” He exclaims. He’s so excited about taking me there that he grabs my hand abruptly and pulls me forward and runs.

My feet are moving at a pace that I am not accustomed to, since I would rather eat an entire whale than join the cross-country team. Donovan is on track and field, so I’m sure that he has no difficulty running gat the speed or light, but I feel like my feet are about to burst.

“We’re here.” He whispers into my ear. Does she think I’m a loser for bringing her here? He thinks. I smile sweetly at him as he maneuvers me through a bundle of trees, like a good friend should. Because that’s all that Donovan is, a friend.

Emerging from the trees, I step into mud, coating my new sneakers. I groan quietly so Donovan doesn’t hear and starts calling himself a loser for bringing me. I look up and take another step towards the stream. It really is pretty, with lily pads floating around in the most random places, and purple flowers sprouting near the water. I glance up at Donovan and he is smiling down at me. She’s beautiful. He thinks.

I sit down on a dry area, while Donovan follows suit. We’re not saying anything, just looking at the stream. I, for one, can’t wait to step foot out of the muddy ground and go to Krispy Kreme and inhale a glazed colossal donut, but it’s hard to get up when Donovan is constantly looking at you and waiting for his chance to make a move.

“Why’s you bring me here?” I say, breaking the silence. He shrugs and moves closer to me. “I wanted to kiss you.”

What in God’s name did he just say? I think. I don’t want to kiss Donovan, he is only a friend. A friend, probably one of the only friends I have besides Ron and Tarou. If I wreck this, he will never speak to me again.

“Oh.” I mumble, looking at the ground. “So can I?” He whispers.

My heart is pounding so fast I think that it might explode. I turn to him, nod my head and close my eyes.

His mouth meets my lips softly, but then he gets more aggressive like he’s been waiting to kiss me. His tongue slips into my mouth, and I feel like this is my cue to kiss back. I sit frozen solid for a minute, but then start kissing him back, imagining I’m kissing a rockstar or some famous actor.

He pushes me down on the ground lightly, one hand on my chest and another on the back of my neck. Donovan is a good kisser, I’ll say that, but it isn’t right. It’s not right at all. But what am I supposed to do? Stop kissing him and run away, leaving me to only have one friend, not counting my brother?

So I let him kiss me, and I let him slide his tongue all over my mouth, and I let him mess up my hair and I let him feel up my shirt. It’s disgusting; I can feel his erection pressing up against my right thigh and his thoughts are far from clean.

He stops suddenly and pulls back, letting his hand caress my neck, which he so gladly made a hickey on. “So does this mean we’re together?” He asks, excitedly. I mumble yes before he lays me back on the ground, kissing me so aggressively that I think I might evaporate.

We make out more, but I feel like I’m not doing anything. So I think about Kai, and how he’s probably fucking Katya, and I think about my sister, and my brother, and my mom and my dad, and my best friend.

They would not be proud that I am doing this.