Love in Theory and Practice: SWRMXS

Lying awake in bed with Ville asleep and our children asleep in my belly, I let my mind wander. I can’t help but imagine what my life would be like if certain things in my life had been different.

Most immediate on my mind is what would be different if my mom was still here. I’d have that calm mothering shoulder to give me advice and words of wisdom. But then I wonder if I’d be in a different place entirely if she were still here.

She’d always encouraged me to be what I wanted but she had other ideas for me than what my father. She’d always encouraged me towards a less business-oriented career. She’d been an artist and wanted me to follow in her artistic footsteps.

Perhaps I’d have a little house with a studio out back. There would be paint on the wooden floor and the smell of canvas would permeate the studio. I’d wear my hair in a braid and never use foundation or lipstick.

I may never have become so independent, so unwilling to become attached. While the effects of her death are not as apparent now, they were in the years following her death. I did not like to enter the house alone; I didn’t like to be in the bathtub, I didn’t let anyone know how I was feeling, ever, about anything.

Perhaps I would have been freer with my emotions, more willing to take chances and risks. Perhaps I would have been kinder, sweeter and gentler.

But then I may never have met Ville.

Even with my mom here or not here, I wonder what life would be like if I was still with Nils. I don’t have to think too hard. I know what it would be like. It’d be dinner and cocktail parties. It would be designer clothes and fake smiles. It’d be corporate functions and black tie affairs.

I’d probably have to two neat children with clean haircuts and polite manners.

But the idea of twins with dreamy curls and Ville’s green eyes is more wonderful than anything Nils could have offered.

I wonder what life would be like if I was closer with my sister. I wonder what my life would be if I didn’t have my brothers. What would I be like if I’d had cats instead of dogs.

What would my life be like if I hadn’t jumped for Ville when I did?

Where would I be now?

One of the babies moves inside me and I know that I am meant to be exactly where I am. Ville rolls over beside me and sighs.

“Are you laying awake again love?” he asks with sleep still heavy in his voice.

“I am, darling.” I reply without moving or shifting my gaze towards him. These days even the smallest movement is an uphill struggle.

“Is everything alright?” I feel his fingers in my hair, twisting my curls around his fingers. We do this to each other almost constantly. I will, without consciousness, find my fingers laced through his hair and he will always absentmindedly twirl his in mine.

“Yes, Ville.” I say softly. “Everything is fine. I was just thinking about what it would be like if my mother were here.” He doesn’t say anything but slips closer to me and wraps an arm protectively around me.

“What do you think would be different?” he murmurs. I can feel the vibration in his chest against my back while he speaks.

“It’s hard to say. I will never know for sure.” I reply. “But I am okay with that.”

He gently kisses my ear and I feel him smile against my skin. At moments like this when Ville and I are so close to each other, the babies seem to know and begin to be active. With their father wrapped around me, they begin to move and push against me.

I can only hope that my choices and actions will help lead them to be the best they can be. I will give them everything I have in the hope that their lives will be as fulfilling as my own.