Let's Start This Over

Ryan and Brendon were curled up on the couch in the latter's parents' living room. There were siblings and nieces and nephews spread throughout the room. Some on furniture and some on the floor with board games. One of the New Years' shows on the TV and everyone had a glass of sparkling cider or grape juice. There was no alcohol in the house. Brendon's family didn't drink and even though Grace Urie had said it was fine if the two boys wanted to buy a bottle of champagne, they hadn't bothered.

Normally that would have bothered Ryan, but he was fine with it for once. Not that he was an alcoholic. No, of course, not. Nothing like his father. (Or so he told himself.) But on days that required celebrating he liked to imbibe. On those days at least. But this was nice, sitting curled with Brendon on the couch and not thinking about things like alcohol and parties and if he'd be sharing a bowl with Z if he were in LA right now.

It was about fifteen minutes until midnight. Two of the smaller children were already asleep and tucked into a guest bedroom upstairs. Some of the others were dangerously close to nodding off, but kept shaking themselves awake so they could stay up with the grown-ups like they never got to. Ryan remembered being little and going over to Spencer's house where his friend's mom would let them drink cider out of plastic champagne glasses bought just for the occasion. The trouble with them had never been staying up; it had been getting them into bed after.

"Remember to make a wish when we kiss at midnight." Brendon whispered to Ryan, squeezing his arms that were around the other boy's waist. "And make it a good one. Make it count."

"You're so weird."

"This coming from you." Brendon teased back, putting his face in Ryan's hair and laughing. "The guy who used to draw birds on his face."

"Coming from the guy who still can't say 'penis' without laughing." he whispered back.

Brendon giggled. "It's a funny word." he insisted, his chin now resting on Ryan's shoulder.

"You're twenty-three."

"You're still weird."

Grace was wandering around the room, making sure everyone had a glass or that their glass was full for midnight toasts. Ryan's glass was half full and Brendon's was empty. "Behaving yourselves right, boys?" she asked, but with a smile so they would know she didn't really suspect them of any wrong-doings.

"We always behave ourselves." Brendon lied with a grin.

"And I'm the Queen of Persia."

"Persia isn't even a country anymore." Ryan replied automatically.

Grace laughed. "Case in point." She poured more cider into their glasses and wandered off again.

At about five minutes 'til midnight the board games started getting put away so everyone could focus on the ball drop when it began. Ryan squeezed Brendon's hand. "Remember when we were there and we got to see it for real?" he whispered.

"I remember you kissing someone else." the boy whispered back, voice still slightly tinged with sadness even though it had been years before.

Ryan decided not to respond. It just wasn't worth it. Not tonight.

At two minutes everyone was partnering up to make sure they were sitting next to the person they were going to kiss. One of the pre-teen girls had her cell phone out and was texting, probably a boyfriend. The younger kids were fidgeting with their glasses. They knew in a few minutes they'd be sent off to bed.

Then the countdown started and everyone was saying the numbers, except Ryan who felt self conscious all of a sudden. He kept his eyes on the ball, his fingers threaded with Brendon's. And when it hit, their lips met, soft and gentle, just comfortable and not desperate. It was a new beginning, not an ending. No need for desperation here.

The kids were jumping around yelling 'Happy New Year' and Auld Lang Syne was playing in the background. Ryan pressed his face to Brendon's neck when they broke appear and breathed in, trying to remember everything. It was their first real New Year's together without fear, without girlfriends, without lies.

"I love you," he whispered as Brendon's fingers ran along the bones of his spine.

"Did you make a wish?" the boy whispered back.

---

Brendon had broken up with Sarah by phone so he wasn't really sure what to expect when he got back home. He was expecting the dog to be gone (even though he'd asked Spencer to go pick Bogart up) and possibly everything to be in shambles. So when everything seemed all right when he first stepped in, he wasn't sure what to think. (Ryan was at his apartment. They hadn't discussed moving in yet and Brendon was okay with that.)

Sarah appeared at the top of the stairs as soon as he set his suitcase down and then the state of the house seemed to make a lot more sense. She wasn't wearing any make-up and was in a pair of sweatpants and one of his shirts. Her eyes were red, like she'd been crying. "I'm not leaving until you actually say it to my face," she told him, voice soft, hurt. He felt like shit.

Brendon just really hadn't seen another option. He couldn't spend the week with Ryan and feel okay about cheating on her, but he wasn't going to blow off his family and fly home just to tell her they were over. The phone had really been the only option. "Look, I'm sorry. I just . . . I didn't plan it."

She crossed her arms. "Is it him?"

Brendon hesitated. He'd never confirmed anything about Ryan to Sarah, simply because she had a temper and he was fairly certain she wouldn't hesitate to tell some stupid magazine everything he told her if they ever broke up. "This is just isn't working anymore. And, yes, there's someone else. But, no, I didn't cheat on you."

"I find that a little hard to believe."

Brendon bit his bottom lip and stared at his shoes for a minute. "You don't have to believe it. It's the truth."

"You're an asshole."

"I can handle that."

He'd never been in this position before. He and Ryan hadn't even really lived together. Not officially, at least. Was she supposed to go pack now? Was he supposed to help her? Was she supposed to leave with a suitcase and he'd send her stuff to Michigan?

Brendon sank into the couch after she disappeared down the hallway, putting his face in his hands and cursing under his breath. It was easier for Ryan. Ryan's girlfriend had practically begged him to dump her for Brendon. She'd understood. But, then again, they hadn't really had a real relationship, had they? Unlike Brendon who, at least for the first six months, had actually tried.

He hated hurting people. It wasn't his strong suit. Even though he was getting what he wanted and he knew it was for the best (for both her and him), it still made his stomach twist in knots. He felt paws on his leg and looked down to see Bogart standing on his hind legs, looking up at Brendon. "Mommy's going away." the boy whispered, immediately making a face at how stupid he sounded.

Bogart just whined and started scratching at Brendon's knee. He wanted picked up.

---

Ryan and Z didn't technically live together. She still had her place, but they spent more nights together than they did apart (at least when tours weren't tossed into the mix). So he went to her place instead of his. Brendon had said he needed to survey the damage and probably call her and neither of them really wanted Ryan there for either of those things. Plus Ryan needed to get some clothes and things together for the drawer he would claim when he got back to Brendon's.

"Hey there, stranger," Z greeted him when she opened her door, flashing a smile and pulling him in for a hug and a kiss. "Missed you."

Ryan was going to remember everything about her. Not that he was going to stop hanging out with her, but he knew eventually it would happen. It always did. And even before that there were just things they weren't going to do anymore, and he would remember those things. Like the way she looked when she slept and the way her hair smelled when she just got out of the shower and it was dripping on the floor while she was still naked. He'd remember the way her lips parted with gasping breaths as she said his name when he was on top of her. Those were things he'd always remember. She had been his anchor.

"So how's the boyfriend?"

"He's making sure his ex didn't totally trash his place."

Z turned to look at him, eyes widened slightly, interested. "He didn't . . . He dumped her over the phone, didn't he? Son of a bitch." She smiled and then tried to bite it back, knowing she should.

"He didn't want to cheat on her for a week." Ryan defended.

"Oh, please. He's just been cheating on her since they started dating. He just never consummated the affair." She let the door shut behind Ryan, locking it and walking into the kitchen, the boy on her heels.

Ryan grabbed her by the wrist, not hard enough to hurt, just hard enough to pull the girl into him. He almost kissed her, just out of habit, but didn't. "So was I cheating on you the whole time we were dating?"

Z rolled her eyes. "Baby, please. There were three people in our relationship the whole time. But I knew about it. She didn't." Her eyes softened slightly, however, as she wrapped her arms around Ryan's neck. "I really am happy for you. But dumping someone over the phone is pretty shitty."

"I dumped you over the phone."

The girl huffed, dropping her arms and walking back to the oven, pulling it open to check on her vegan pizza. "Yeah. I think I told you to dump me, though, if I remember correctly. And you're welcome for talking you into going to Vegas to get him back, by the way."

"I did love you, y'know." Ryan said quietly, not really paying attention to what she'd just said.

She nodded, shutting the oven door and hopping up on the counter. "I know you did. But loving someone and being in love are two very different things. It's fine, Ry. I knew what I was for you. I was okay with it. I would have left you if I wasn't."

"The guy you end up with is going to be so lucky."

Z smiled.

---

Sarah insisted on Brendon driving her down to the Post Office to ship her things before she got on the plane. She'd said some pretty nasty things along the lines of 'if i can't trust you to go to your parents' for a week, how the hell can I trust you to send me my stuff'. He could have said something back. He could have refused. He could have been a jerk.

But Brendon didn't really want to be. He just wanted to get everything over with as quickly and smoothly as possible, put her on a plane, and forget the failed science experiment. He wanted Ryan to take Sarah's side of the bed and her dresser. He wanted to get another dog that his boyfriend would name. He wanted to be happy without having to hide it. He wanted to forget her.

The car ride may have been the most awkward twenty minutes of Brendon's life. Sarah was pissed, not even crying. She just kept saying things about how he was an asshole and a liar and how could he do this to her. The tears would come later. He knew how this worked. He'd done it himself. She'd get home to Michigan and lie in her bed and realize that she didn't want the last words she said to him to be in anger. He felt guilty about that, but he wasn't going to change his mind. He couldn't take care of everyone else all the time. Sometimes he had to be selfish and take care of himself.

He didn't really pay attention to how much it was costing to ship the boxes. It was expensive, sure, but nothing he couldn't afford and nothing he wouldn't pay to just get it over with. After the post office was the drive to the airport and Sarah was quieter then, sniffling on occasion. Brendon was happy to have the excuse of driving so he didn't have to look to see if she was crying or not. Penny Lane was whining in her dog carrier in the backseat.

"I really never meant to hurt you." Brendon said suddenly.

"But you did." Sarah was definitely crying now. She wasn't sobbing, but he could tell by how quiet and shaky her voice was.

"I'm sorry."

"Okay." She shrugged, staring out the window again. It really didn't matter what he said. She couldn't change his mind and he wasn't going to turn the car around. She wasn't about to forgive him just to make him feel better. She was lying to herself that he was going to feel guilty about this tomorrow, but that was fine. She just needed to feel better.

Brendon wanted to walk her into the airport, just to make sure everything worked out. Part of him was the gentleman who knew it was the right thing to do. Part of him just wanted to make sure she wouldn't change her mind and get a cab to bring her back. But she told him to just pull up, that she could take care of it. Even with two suitcases and a dog. So he did.

As he drove off, his eyes flicked to the rearview window and he could tell she was shaking, trying to hold everything in. It would be the memory of her he would probably remember the longest. He just wanted to get home and call Ryan, tell the boy to come over. Fuck and forget everything. Get drunk and pretend the world was theirs.

---

There was a car waiting in Brendon's driveway when he got home and when he pulled up, Ryan got out of the passenger seat while a girl he recognized as Z got out of the driver's side. "Got sick of waiting for you." Ryan told Brendon, kissing him on the cheek when they were both standing on the cement.

"Hey, I'm not carrying this shit in by myself." Z called from the trunk of her car. Her eyes danced as they met Brendon's. "Hope you're ready for this."

He grinned at her, cheeky almost. "Baby, I was born ready."