Hold on Tight and Don't Look Back

My body was shaking. There was a strange, cold hand pushing up against my shoulder, lightly rocking me back and forth. Warm breath was cascading onto my cheek, my body was beginning to wake from its slumber as I felt lips press themselves against my face and slowly pull back.

“Lexi, baby, it’s time to get up, we’re in Chicago,” Mikey said, pushing my hair back out of my face.

“What?” I looked around at my surroundings. I wasn’t in my bunk, I was in Mikey’s and I was lying on his chest. What the fuck were you doing? You’re not dating him, you can’t do that. No, no, bad, bad. He probably thinks you’re a creep. Great, just great. “Oh, God, did I fall asleep? On top of you?”

“Yeah,” he smiled and kissed my forehead.

“Oh. My. I am so sorry I didn’t mean to, I guess I was just tired, I, I, I’m-”

“Get the fuck out of bed you lazy asses, I’m sick of this bullshit,” Gerard interrupted me as he made his way down the hall. His normally well tamed black hair was tangled in every direction and his pajamas were crooked.

I hopped down from the bunk, ran down the hallway, and attacked Gerard with a hug from behind.

“Someone woke up on the wrong side of their bunk, didn’t they?” I teased him.

“Get off of me. Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you, Alexa.” Gerard pushed himself out of my grip, grabbed a cup of coffee off of the counter, and was out the door faster than I could have counted to ten.

“What was that all about?” Mikey asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“I don’t know, I was only teasing him and he ran away.” I flopped down onto the couch. “I told you he has something against me.”

Mikey sat down beside me, “that’s not it, I thought we covered that last night.” He pushed my hair behind my ears, exposing the tears forming in my eyes. “I’m going to go see what’s up with him, go get Frank and Ray up,” he kissed the top of my head and ran out the door.

I slowly stood up, ensuring that my purple, zebra striped slippers would remain on my feet. I took a few steps down the hall into the familiar bunk area and sat down on Frank’s bed. I gently shook him awake.

“Frank?” I asked into the darkness.

“Lexi?” he responded. Thank God, he was awake.

“Gerard ran off. Mikey went to go talk to him.”

“What the fuck do you mean he ran off?” Frank shot up, startled by the news.

“This morning, when Mikey woke me up, Gerard walked by and got all pissy with us, so I attacked him from behind and said he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and he got ticked, and left.”

“Ray!” Frank threw a pillow across the hall towards Ray. “Wake the fuck up, Gerard ran off!”

Before I knew what was going on my feet had carried me to the back corner of the bus and my hand had locked me in the tiny 4x4 bathroom stall. I sat on the ground, my knees clenched tight against my chest and allowed the tears to fall. This is all your fault. If you weren’t here then Gerard wouldn’t have ran off and Frank wouldn’t have just brutally screamed at Ray. Face it, you’re not cut out for this, you need to go back home and admit that your teenage hero hates you guts and wishes you would just go die.

“Lexi! Stop crying, come out of the bathroom, and tell me what’s wrong!” Frank was screaming as he violently pounded the tiny door that protected him from seeing me in my current state.

“No, Frank!” I yelled back, I was probably too loud, too harsh, but I didn’t care. “I can’t calm down, this is all my fault. Mine. I’m responsible for this. If I wasn’t here Gerard wouldn’t have ran off like that and you would all be happy right now!”

“Who says we’re not happy, I’m happy as a lark,” Ray butted in, obviously he was oblivious to the current state of affairs.

“Ray, this is serious can you please just go try to find Mikey or something?” Frank snapped, he clearly didn’t appreciate Ray’s interjected thoughts either.

“He’s gone,” Frank whispered. “I’m coming in.” He opened the door to the tiny room that surrounded me and all my fears and sat down next to me.

“It’s not your fault, Lexi,” he pulled me in tight as his arms surrounded my tiny, fragile body. “Gerard has his moments, and clearly this is one of them. Having another person on the road with us is a big adjustment for him, it’s always been the four of us. Just the four of us. But, he’ll get used to it, just give him time. Please, just give him time.”

I looked up from my crouched position to see Ray sanding at the door.

“Gee and Mikey are out front, we have to go in for sound check, come on Frank,” he said.

“Why don’t you watch a movie on the couch and relax, it’ll do you some good,” Frank pushed my hair back behind my ears, kissed my hand, and vanished out the door.

**

“What color eye shadow should I wear tonight?” Gerard asked me.

“Uhm, I don’t know, that one,” I pointed to a random color on his palette. He was trying to act like nothing ever happened and everything was okay. I know for a fact it’s not, and that something is bothering him. Until I figure out what it is, I’m going to keep my distance. It’s not worth my time if I’m only going to end up pissing him off in the end.

“Hey, Lex, can you come back here for a minute?” Mikey was smiling as he stood in the middle of the hallway.

I flashed Gerarad a fake, half-hearted smile and made my way down the long dark hall where Mikey was standing.

“I need help with my hair,” he giggled. “Can you straighten it for me?”

“Who normally does it?”

“Well, I do, but I want you to do it.” I could tell he was smiling as he looked down towards the ground.

“Alright,” I laughed. I grabbed the heated straightener off of the counter and began separating his hair into easy to manage sections.

“Are you excited for tonight?” I wasn’t sure if excited was necessarily the right word, it was the last show of the tour before Christmas and we’d be starting our long drive back to Jersey tonight.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Mainly I’m just happy to think that in a couple of days I’ll be sleeping in my own bed and doing what I want when I want.”

“Is that it?” I laughed as I joked with him.

“No, what I’m really excited for is the simple fact that you’re coming home with me,” he smiled at me through the mirror.

“Hey, Lexi, where’s your guitar?!” Frank yelled from the living room.

“Back here on the stand, why?”
“I need it!”

“Can’t you use your own?”

“No, I need yours, too!”

“Okay, whatever,” I laughed, confused as to why he needed two guitars.

“What’s he doing with that?” I asked Mikey as I quickly snatches his glasses and placed them on my face.

“I don’t know,” he smiled. “But, hey, give those back, I can’t see!” He stood up and placed both arms out in front of him. He pretended to stumble around.

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep you safe!” I exaggerated my response and allowed myself to catch him as he fell backwards.

He grabbed his black and white rimmed plastic glasses from the top of my nose and returned them to their proper place. “It’s time to go prepare for the show,” he said frowning.

“Oh, okay. Well, I’ll get ready and meet you inside,” I laced my fingers through his, his warm skin sent my heart racing. I watched as his hazel eyes slowly closed, and his tall, thin body inched closer to mine. I closed my eyes, and his lips graced mine. His movements were filled with an immense passion and for the first time in a while, I felt loved.

**

Dark wash skinny jeans, distressed riding boots, and a purple Truman State University tee were all I had to protect my body from the bone chilling cold. I had always heard Chicago winters were brutal, but I guess you have to learn for yourself to truly realize just how cold it can really get. As I made my way from the bus to the back doors of the venue there was a single star shining in the night sky.

“Are you Lexi?” the security guard questioned me. I was so busy staring up at the beautifully painted sky and its shades of dark blue that I failed to notice the rather large man standing in front of me.

“Yes, that’s me.” I smiled, and he moved his big hands slowly as he opened the door for me.

My Chemical Romance to the stage in two minutes, two minutes! I heard a voice from the loudspeaker say. To my left I spotted Frank, Gerard, Ray, and Mikey in the middle of the pre-show huddle. I saw Ray’s bushy afro rise up a few feet, signifying the end of their meeting.

“Hey good luck tonight, guys,” I smiled.

“Good luck?” Mikey seems confused. “Lex, the shows almost over. We’re about to do the finale.”

“Has it really been that long?” Perhaps I had spent a lot more time getting ready than I thought, either that or day dreaming.

“Yeah, what planet have you been on?” Frank joked. “We thought you were going to miss the whole show!” He playfully made a frowny face at me.

“I would never,” I was smiling again.

“Good, because you’re playing in the finale with us. We’re jamming to Thank You For The Venom and I’m Not Okay. Are you ready?” Mikey took my hand in his, it was only slightly comforting, Gerard and I are barely speaking and I’m expected to take the stage with him and enjoy it? Fuck, fuck, fuck. What do I do now?