So Far Away

He stared off at the living room wall, a half-empty bottle of Jack resting against his body as he slumped on the couch. He lifted the bottle up to his lips, took a large swig, and swallowed. The alcohol traveled smoothly down his throat and he let out a long, heavy sigh. This was what his life had come to in the last week; nothing more than sitting in his living room, feeling sorry and pitiful as he drank himself into oblivion. He never thought that he would be like this; he never imagined that one woman would break him so badly, but with all the stress and heartache he’d already suffered in the last year and a half, it happened. Just when he thought that things were getting better he thought that maybe, just maybe, the tears and pain were finally beginning to fall behind him, but it looks like he was wrong.

First, he had lost his grandfather. And while on the outside it may not have seemed like he had taken his passing hard, it had been like a punch in the gut; it had knocked the wind out of him. He and his grandfather were close, he loved him very much, and to know that he wasn’t going to see him again on this earth shattered his heart to pieces. It made him wish that he had spent more time with him while he had the chance.

And then, Jimmy. His jaw clenched and he tried his best not to let the tears that began to well in his chocolate brown eyes spill out onto his cheeks. But it was difficult not to cry, especially after having a few drinks. It seemed like the more alcohol he consumed the easier it was for the tears to fall. That’s how it seemed to be for all of them. He remembered sitting in this very room with his friends, drinking and crying after Jimmy’s passing. To them, Jimmy was more than just a bandmate and a friend, he was their brother; he was family.

Now, he’d lost the one thing that he thought he could always depend on; the one thing that he thought would never go away. His marriage. He didn’t even see it coming, but looking back at it, he probably should have.

He should have known something was wrong when she didn’t want to go out on tour with him, but he just figured that she had gotten tired of life on the road for a while. After all, it’s not the easiest life. It’s hectic, it’s tough, and he didn’t blame her for wanting to take a break for a little bit. But when he got home from tour, he found her things gone from the house and he had been served with divorce papers. That had happened a week ago. And he’d been moping around his house and drinking away his sorrows ever since.

His friends had tried to talk to him, they tried to cheer him up, to get him to go out, but it was no use. While they could understand the pain he felt when they all lost Jimmy, they couldn’t understand what he was going through now. How could they? Matt had been with Val for pretty much his entire life. And as for Zacky and Johnny, while they may have experienced heartbreak, they didn’t know the gut-wrenching pain of coming home to an empty house with no real explanation why the one you love left you other than a piece of paper that said there were irreconcilable differences.

What the fuck did that tell him? As far as he was concerned, it just told him that she thought that filing for divorce behind his back was better than actually talking to him about these “irreconcilable differences” that they had.

This whole thing made him wonder what he did wrong. Just how long she had felt this way and didn’t bother telling him. It made him question their whole relationship in general. What if she had never really loved him? It seemed so easy for her to just get up and leave him without saying goodbye. What if their entire relationship was nothing more than a lie? All those years wasted loving and caring about someone that didn’t truly feel the same way about him.

A knock came at the door and he briefly turned his head before ignoring whoever it was on the other side of the door. Whoever it was at the door, it wasn’t someone that he wanted to talk to. If it was the guys, then they’d invite themselves inside in a few seconds to make another feeble attempt at getting him to leave the confines of his home.

He lifted the bottle up to his lips again and took another long drink, letting the alcohol numb the pain. He closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and let out a long, shaky sigh. If only the alcohol could go one step further and didn’t just numb, but completely eliminate the pain.

If only.

“What are you doing, Brian?” a voice asked, startling him and causing his eyes to quickly pop open.

He turned his head and glanced at the woman standing in the living room’s entryway. He gave a small shrug of his shoulders. “What the fuck does it look like I’m doing?” he replied as he turned his attention back to the living room wall and took another swig from the bottle at his side.

She drew her lips together into a thin line and sighed. She hated seeing him like this. He was completely miserable, he was broken, and it was all because of some stupid girl. “It looks like you’re being pathetic and feeling sorry for yourself,” she answered simply as she took a couple steps towards the couch. “Seems like this has become the norm for you now, which has me wondering, when the hell did Synyster Gates become so pitiful?”

“I’m not Synyster Gates,” he stated, glaring at her. “I’m Brian, and Brian’s fucking pathetic.”

“Bri…” she trailed off as she sat down beside him, not sure what to say next. There were so many things that she wanted to tell him, so many things that she thought he needed to hear, but right now none of those things seemed appropriate.

“Why are you even here?” he spat, his brown eyes meeting hers.

She shrank away from him a little, taken back by his tone. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing, that’s all,” she mumbled, looking down into her lap and away from his gaze.

“Well, I’m fine. So why don’t you just go do whatever the fuck you were going to do today?”

She bit the inside of her bottom lip and took a deep breath, gathering up courage to speak. “You’re not okay, Brian,” she started shakily. “You’ve been sitting in this house doing nothing but drinking and sleeping for a fucking week. It’s not healthy and we’re all worried about you. You can’t let her break you like this.”

“You don’t fucking get it,” he grumbled as he shook his head and ran his long, tattooed fingers through his hair.

She leaned forward and rested her forearms on her thighs. “What don’t I get, Bri?”

He let out a long, exasperated sigh and gently shook his head. “You don’t know what it’s like,” he simply stated, turning his head to meet her gaze. “Everyone I love is leaving me, and I can’t fucking do anything to make them stay.”

She stared at him for a moment, completely dumbstruck by the words that had just spilled out of his mouth. Her brown eyes met his chocolate orbs and she felt a pang in her heart at the sight of the tears beginning to well up in his eyes. This was much more than his wife leaving him. So, so much more.

“Brian… I… I’m sorry,” she whispered, resting a comforting hand on his knee. She knew that her words did little to make him feel better, but she couldn’t think of anything else to say. This whole time she thought that Michelle was the only reason he was acting like this, but it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“That’s all you have to say? That you’re sorry?” he scoffed, shaking his head at her. “Do you even know what you’re sorry about?”

“I know that you’re hurting… And I know that you feel like you’re losing everyone that you love and care about, but…” She bit her lip, unsure of what to say next. It felt like the words were right there on the tip of her tongue, but they just weren’t coming out. She sighed and looked up at him again, her eyes scanning his face. He looked so sad, so heartbroken, and his eyes had a far off glint in them, as if he wasn’t even aware that she was there anymore. Or perhaps he just didn’t care. “But you still have people here that love you and care about you. And we aren’t going anywhere.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“Yes, I can. I promise that I’m always going to be here for you. I’m always going to care about you, Brian. You’re my friend, and I’m not going to leave you. Why can’t I promise you that?”

“Because you don’t fucking know!” he growled, his tear-filled eyes searing. “You don’t know if you’re always going to fucking be here. For all we fucking know, you’re going to get hit by a goddamn truck on your way home and die, so don’t go making fucking promises that you can’t fucking keep!”

She swallowed hard. “You’re right, I don’t know if something like that is going to happen, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be with you,” she softly whispered, praying that the words coming out of her mouth were the right ones. “I mean, just because I’m not…here…doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be watching over everyone I love. Just like Jimmy and your grandpa are watching over you now…”

He sucked in his bottom lip and released a shaky sigh. “So you do know what you’re sorry about…” he trailed off, and she nodded softly.

“Yeah, I do. And, Brian, I know that you’re hurting a lot right now and you’re afraid to lose even more people that you care about, but you can’t keep pushing the people that are still here away. You can’t just hole yourself away. You need to cherish the time that we’ll all have together because I know that if I did die today, I wouldn’t want our last time together to be this. I wouldn’t want it to be where you were so distant that I didn’t even feel like we were in the same room. You’re so far gone, so far away from us, and it hurts to see you like this.”

“If it hurts so much, why are you even here? No one’s forcing you to stay.”

“I know,” she answered, anxiously biting her bottom lip. “But I still care about you. I don’t like seeing you like this, but I still want to see you…” She sighed in defeat. Nothing was coming out the way she wanted it to. In her head, everything sounded so elegant and perfect, but what came out of her mouth was just one huge mess. “I just want to help you, that’s all.”

Brian’s gaze flickered over to her again and his hard expression softened at the sight of her blinking away a few hot tears. He had heard her say that it hurt to see him this way, but he didn’t realize until that moment just how sincere her words were. He took a deep breath and sighed heavily, sitting himself up a little bit on the couch. The bottle at his side shifted a little, and she watched him as he picked it up and placed it onto the coffee table in front of them.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured as he leaned forward, placing his forearms on his thighs, his eyes fixated on the bottle he just set on the table. “It’s just that… I never thought that all this would happen… I mean, I knew I’d lose my grandpa, but losing Jimmy was like a fucking slap in the face.” He paused, pulling his lips together and inhaling deeply through his nose before continuing. “He was so fucking young. It just didn’t seem right. It still doesn’t seem right.”

“I know… None of us saw it coming.”

He sighed again and sat back, resting his back against the couch, his eyes still trained on the bottle sitting on the table. “I still wonder if there was anything I could have done to save him, you know. If I had done just one thing different, would it have changed everything? Would he still be here? Or would things be like this no matter what?”

“I think we’ve all wondered that at one time or another. I know that I have. And I’m sure that the guys have, too. I think it’s only natural to be curious about something like that. Is everything really just set in stone, or do certain events lead to one another like a Domino Effect? It all makes you question everything,” she replied softly as she looked towards the mantel, and several pictures stared back at her; pictures that included Jimmy.

“Yeah, it does,” he agreed, his eyes following hers. He inhaled sharply at the sight of images; Jimmy’s crystal blue eyes shining in each photograph. “It was too fucking soon.”

She turned her head and followed his gaze, seeing that he too was staring at the pictures of Jimmy. “I know,” she breathed. “He was taken away so suddenly.”

“Yeah, he was, but I wasn’t talking about Jimmy,” he whispered, glancing back at her. “I was talking about me and Michelle.”

She knit her brow in confusion. “What do you mean? You guys were together for so long, how was it too soon?”

“We got married too soon after Jimmy died. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be a good husband,” he answered simply with a shrug of his shoulders.

“You know that’s bullshit, right? I mean, sure, maybe it was too soon. But losing Jimmy made us realize even more that we need to live our lives and cherish every moment we have with each other. You were amazing to her, Brian. Don’t think for a second that you weren’t.”

“If I was so great, then why did she just fucking up and leave?” he asked bitterly.

“Because she’s an idiot. I mean… You’re a great guy. You’re amazing and kind and sweet and smart and talented, maybe a little cocky, but you’re still incredible,” she swallowed hard. “And if she couldn’t see that, then she’s stupid.”

“How are you so sure I’m as great as you think I am? I mean, my own wife clearly didn’t think I’m all that great, so how can you?”

“Well, you are Synyster Gates, and Syn Gates is awesome by default,” she answered with a tiny chuckle, but he didn’t seem to find her words amusing. “But you’re also Brian, and I think he’s pretty great, too. He’s the one that’s one of my best friends in the world. He’s the guy that’s been there for me whenever I’ve needed a shoulder to cry on, even if it was just over the phone. He’s the one that’s taken care of me when I’ve felt hopeless… I don’t know about you, but I think that makes someone pretty amazing. And if you’ve done all that just for me, then you must have done a million more things for her.”

A tiny smile pulled at his lips, but it quickly disappeared. “I guess all those things weren’t enough for her, then.”

She sighed in frustration and shook her head. “This probably isn’t something that you want to hear, but I’m going to go ahead and say it. You’re too good for her. Okay? That’s the God’s honest truth. If she can’t appreciate what she had, if she could just give up on a good thing so easily, then she didn’t deserve you. I know that you’ve had a difficult time dealing with this; I know that you feel like you’re losing everyone that you love, but you need to realize something. Your grandfather and Jimmy didn’t want to leave you; she chose to walk out of your life. Nothing took her away from you; she took herself away.”

He stayed quiet for a moment, letting her words sink in, but he simply shook his head. “How do you know it was all her? For all you know, I did something to drive her away.”

She released an exasperated sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. Why was he so insistent that this was all entirely his fault? Why couldn’t he just see that he wasn’t completely to blame for this? Why was it so hard for him to see that he had done all he could for Michelle but it just wasn’t enough?

“You’re so fucking stubborn, Brian Haner,” she whispered, biting her lip as she gently shook her head, fighting back tears of frustration. “I just don’t get why you insist that this was your fault. You spoiled her to no end, and here you are, thinking that you should have done more. I don’t understand you.”

He didn’t reply. He simply sat there and watched her as she continued to bite back tears. He didn’t know what to tell her. And even if he did, he didn’t know if she would even want to hear it. Everything else that had spilled from his mouth only upset her, and he didn’t want to do that anymore.

She took a deep breath and regained her composure, squaring her shoulders as she started to stand up. Brian stared at her, puzzled.

“What are you doing?” he asked her, his brow knit together in uncertainty.

“I’m leaving,” she answered simply. “If you’re not going to listen to me, if you aren’t even going to try to take my words to heart, there’s no point in me being here anymore. I don’t want you to think that I’m leaving you or abandoning you in any way, because I’m not. I’m always going to be here for you, Bri. But until you realize that this wasn’t your fault, that all this shit that’s happened to you wasn’t something that you caused, I can’t be around you. It hurts way too much to see you beat yourself down like this.”

She sighed and glanced down at him. Her heart ached to see him so defeated, and part of her wanted to stay, but she didn’t know what else she could do. She already told him most of what she thought he needed to hear and it didn’t get through to him. Why should she stay even longer while he had his pity party? There was just no point. He was too far gone.

“Bye, Brian. I hope to see you again soon,” she softly said before she turned her back to him and started walking out of the room.

His brown eyes followed her as she stepped out of the living room and into the hallway. He swallowed hard and let out a heavy breath. “I just… I don’t want to think that our entire relationship was a lie,” he said loud enough for her to hear, and she stopped in her tracks.

“What do you mean?” she queried, taking a step towards the living room.

“If I didn’t do something wrong, if I didn’t do something to fuck everything up and she was able to leave me like that… It just makes me wonder if all those years I spent with her meant nothing. What if she didn’t really love me like I loved her? Why couldn’t she just tell me that there was something wrong instead of just leaving me like this?”

“I… I honestly don’t know why she left like she did,” she started, anxiously licking her lips as she returned to the sofa. “That’s one of the sucky things about love. It’s those that we love and care about that can hurt us the most. When you give someone your heart, you also give them the power to break it, and you have to trust that they won’t… Sometimes, they cherish it and everything is good, and then other times they crush it… But it doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. It just means that things weren’t meant to be…”

“Well, I wish that someone had told me things weren’t meant to be before I wasted all those years of my life,” he muttered.

“Would you have even listened if someone had?” she whispered, her eyes meeting his intense gaze. He sucked in his lip, and she nodded her head. “Sometimes, we just have to make the mistakes and learn from them. But please, stop blaming yourself for this and for everything else,” she murmured, glancing towards the framed pictures of Jimmy. “I know it won’t be easy, but at least try?”

He licked his dry lips and his eyes followed hers towards the mantel full of pictures. If Jimmy were still here, he wouldn’t let him stay cooped up in the house like this. He would have been the first one to pull him up off of his ass and get him out. He would have told him to go out, have fun, and keep living his life.

“I can try,” he finally said, and she smiled at him widely. “But it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to need someone to stick by me to kick me in the ass when I need it.”

“Oh, I think I can find someone to do that,” she chuckled.

He leaned in and hugged her tightly, and she gulped, slowly lifting her arms to hug him back. She inhaled deeply and let her eyes fall shut. It felt good to know that he was going to try. It felt good to know that he was back.

“Thank you,” he breathed into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

“You’re welcome,” she breathed back, trying to keep her voice steady as she gathered up the courage to say the one thing she had held back; the one thing that she needed him to know. “I love you, Bri.”

“I love you, too,” he replied softly, pulling her even closer.

She smiled softly to herself and buried her face into the crook of his neck. She knew that he probably didn’t know the gravity of her words, but that wasn’t important. She was just thankful to have her best friend back. That was all that mattered to her.

He was all that mattered.