Spinning Out of Control

“Emma!” I grin as we step inside Mom and Dad’s house, plopping her hospital bag on the floor before setting her done on the ground. “We’re home! Wanna go say hi to Gamma?” I ask, using both my hands to smooth down her unruly hair.

“Yeah!” Emma shrieks, running out of my arms and toward the kitchen, where the smell of cookies was basking. I laugh and grab her bag, swinging it over my shoulder.

I was making my way toward the stairs when I hear my father call out.

“Ravyn?” He was in his office. “Could you come here for a moment?”

I turn around and go the other way towards his sanctuary, grinning upon walking in. Everything was the same; deep mahogany wood flooring, warm brown walls, chocolate leather chairs in front of his desk, the large bookcase behind him where he kept his readings and family pictures. I immediately spotted the recent one I had given him of Emma, sitting right beside his picture of me as a little girl. I just then noticed the large resemblance between Emma and I.

“Hey, Dad,” I smile, walking over and leaning down to kiss his cheek. I then drop Emma’s bag beside his desk, getting a large feeling of déjà vu.

Everyday after school when I was younger, Dad would call me into his office. I was set my backpack beside his desk and sit in one of the large chairs in front of him. And he would then offer me a cup of coffee. I wasn’t allowed caffeine, according to my mom, so it was just a secret between my father and I. He spoiled me like no other. Then, after I had a warm mug in my hands, we would talk for hours and hours about meaningless things. Things that fathers and daughters talk about.

Those were the best days.

But other times, if my dad had a stressful day at work, his door would be shut. I wouldn’t be invited inside. These days were the worst because it was like my dad was blocking me off from his life. Although, on the bright side, everything would be back to normal the next day, his door open and his coffee machine full.

“Hi, sweetie,” he replies with his own smile, removing his glasses from his face and setting them on his desk in front of him. He runs a hand over his shiny, bald head.

“What’s up?” I ask as he, of course, stands to pour me my mug of coffee.

As he’s pouring, I sit down in the usual leather chair, breathing in the musky smell and grinning. I slip my flip-flops off and sink lower into the cushions, basking in the familiar surroundings. I had no idea just how much I missed Maryland.

“How’s Emma?” he asks after handing me my French Vanilla coffee. I smell the roast, feeling my entire body warm from head to toe. Damn, my Dad makes great coffee.

“She’s great,” I tell him after taking a sip. “The doctor said she’ll be fine.”

“As long as she stays away from marshmallows?” Dad asks pointedly.

I laugh. “As long as she stays away from marshmallows.”

We both pause as we take collective sips of our caffeine. He always had an extra stash of French Vanilla creamer for me, next to his own Crème Brule cream. He was such a caring father. I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else; even for Morgan Freeman. And that’s saying something.

“At the hospital,” he begins, setting his World’s Greatest Dad 2004 mug down beside his glasses, “I couldn’t help but notice you and Alex.” His brows rise.

I raise my own brow. “What about me and Alex?”

“You two were…close.”

A fierce blush attacks my face as I stumble for words. “Dad…uhm, that…that definitely wasn’t what you’re thinking.” I take a deep breath, calming my self and letting my mind catch up with my mouth. “He was comforting me. My daughter had been rushed to the hospital. We were two parents concerned for their child. Nothing else, all right?”

“Hm. Seemed like something more to me.”

“Dad, stop,” I put up a hand, a pang going through my chest. “We aren’t…together like that anymore. And besides, he has Jasmine.”

My dad puts his mouth into a thin line. “Hm. Jasmine.” He breathes out loudly before shaking his head like he was disappointed at something. “I am not very fond of that girl.” The distaste in his voice immediately made me burst out laughing.

I sigh, setting my own mug down. “Join the club.”

“What is it about her?” Dad sighs, running a hand over his goatee. There were more flecks of gray in it then brown. Man, Dad was getting old. “Why is she so unlikeable?”

I knew what he was doing. Dad was trying to dig a little deeper to see what was really going on. Fuck his therapist-side. I hated when he got all shrink-y on me. But he was a therapist, so it was all he knew. So I played along and answered. “She’s a bitch.”

My dad chuckles. He didn’t care when I cussed. Mom hated it.

“And why is that?” he continues his digging.

I shrug my shoulders, looking down at my fingers. I pick at a hangnail. “She’s just so put-off with me. Like I don’t deserve Alex’s attention just because I kept Emma from him. Which, I guess, I can understand since it was wrong of me to hide his child from his knowledge. But she doesn’t have any right to think she has any kind of superiority over me. I probably know things about Alex that she only dreams she knew about.”

“Which is probably why she is a bitch to you,” my Dad plays off of what I said. I cock my head to the side. “Ravyn, she wants to be you. She’s jealous, can’t you see?”

“Why would she be jealous of me?” I scoff. “She’s a model and gorgeous and—”

“Because you had Alex for a long time,” Dad continues, cutting me off. “You knew him long before she did. You were basically his other half. And then you just showed up again after three years, unannounced. How was that supposed to make her feel? She thought she had him all to herself. And then you came back.”

I felt my face droop. “Are you trying to tell me that she’s like Loki? That she just misunderstood?”

“Definitely not,” Dad laughs at my comparison. “She has no right to be a bitch. But step into her shoes. She feels like she’s losing Alex. Be aware of that.”

I sigh. God, I hate when my father is right.



Alex—

“Jas?” I yell as I walk inside the house, throwing my keys on the side table. “I’m home!”

I hear a clang from the kitchen, like pots banging together, before Jasmine walks into the front room with an apron tied around her waist and a wooden spoon in hand. A smear of flour was across one of her cheeks and I laugh at her cute little face. She grins upon seeing me and comes closer.

“Hey,” she grins, pecking me on the lips lightly.

I pull back, rubbing her arms. “What are you up to?” I ask, gesturing to the flour on her face. She wipes it off, laughing, as I pull my leather jacket off my body and sling it over the back of the couch.

“Making dinner,” she shrugs. I follow her back into the kitchen, leaning against the counter as she uncovers a plate, my eyes widening at the large stack of pancakes.

“Mm,” I grin. “Pancakes? Is that really dinner material?”

“Shutup,” she rolls her eyes. “They’re delicious.”

I smile, walking over and wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. “Hm, just like you,” I murmur in her ear, kissing below her ear. She giggles, her shoulder moving up and blocking me off.

“You have always teased me about never being able to make pancakes,” she continues. “So I decided to prove you wrong.” She grabs a fork and cuts off a piece of pancake. She dunks the chunk in some syrup before holding it up. “Open.” I sigh and prop my jaw open, and she places the food in my mouth.

I chew slowly before swallowing.

“Well?” she asks thoughtfully.

I shrug. “Pretty good.” She grins, kissing me in triumph. “So,” I say as I move to sit on the stool behind the counter. “What did you do today while I was off helping Jack move his heavy-ass couch?”

“Nothing really,” she says. “I watched Ellen for awhile, and then I watched some Once Upon A Time. After that I fed Sebastian and Peyton, ate a sandwich, replied to some emails. It was really boring without you here.”

“Sorry babe,” I mutter. “I wish I could’ve been here.”

It was quiet after that, both of us just walking into our minds. I swivel on my stool for a few moments, watching Jasmine as she cooks. I let my gaze wander from her head to her toes, a tingle curling up my spine as her figure suddenly shifts into the shape of Ravyn. Suddenly, Rae was in front of me, her blonde hair piled on top of her head in a messy bun, her hands white from the flour, her skinny waist hidden under one of my Glamour Kills shirts. Her feet bare and her hips moving as she danced to a song in her head.

I closed my eyes. The picture was so clear in my head, in front of me, that it hurt me. God, why couldn’t things just be like that now? No complications, no visits, no planning. Just simply being, Ravyn here with me, Emma watching some silly TV show in the living room?

I open my eyes, my gaze widening when all I could still see was Ravyn where Jasmine was. Her arm moving in a circle as she stirred the batter, her head bobbing to that unheard song. My heart pumps faster as my tongue flicks out to lick over my lips.

I couldn’t help but smile, thinking of what could have been.

What life would have been like with her.

“Hm,” I hum to myself, running my hands down my face as my eyes slip closed. “Ravyn.” That’s when I heard a crash and my eyes fly open and my head snaps up.

“What’s wrong?” I gasp, looking down at where Jasmine had dropped her glass of water, the liquid all over the floor and shattered glass flung over the tile. I look up at my girlfriend, her face angry. Her eyes were narrowed and her jaw was clenched. Judging by the direction of her look, she was clearly mad at me.

“Jasmine, it’s not what you—”

“Not what I think?” she hisses, her face steadily growing red. “Oh! So you just said Ravyn’s name in that soft voice for nothing? What is it, huh? Were you thinking about her? Wishing you were with her? What is it, Alex? What?!”

How did she know the exact reason? “No, Jasmine,” I lie, “it’s not like that! I just…I can’t stop thinking about what happened to Em—”

“Oh that’s exactly it!” she screeches, throwing her arms in the air. “Don’t fuck with me!”

“It’s not like that!” I say, a desperate edge to my voice. “I would never lie to you!”

She scoffs, shaking her head. “There you go lying to me again! Of course you would lie to me! You’ve lied to me about Ravyn before, why not now?” She swallows, her eyes sad as she stared at me. “What happened, Alex?”

I knew there was only way to get her to shut up about this. It was a last resort. Something I didn’t want to have to resort to, but it was necessary.

So, I walk forward and grab her face in my hands, crashing my lips to hers.

Without any hesitation, she kisses back. Her arms curls around my neck and mine go around her waist, crushing her body to mine. Her lips were hot and sloppy against mine, almost hungrily like she had something to prove. Like she was proving that I was hers and no one else’s.

This thought was a bitter one, but I swallow it down.

As we stumble toward our bedroom, I knew this wasn’t something I wanted to do. But it was the only way I could keep Jasmine distracted.