Spinning Out of Control

Ravyn—

It had been about fifteen minutes since I called Alex. He seemed pretty regretful on the phone, but I didn’t care. How was this new arrangement going to work if he wasn’t one-hundred percent into it?

If Jasmine was going to be a constant distraction, we would be having problems.

The doorbell rings moments later, my head looking over at front of the house. Emma squeals from upstairs, the sounds of her little footsteps pounding down the stairs waking me up from my nightmare. I grin and get up from the couch, meeting her in the foyer. She had her bag and was bouncing in excitement.

“Ready to go see Daddy?” I ask, smiling lightly as I straightened her shirt.

She squeezes my arms with her tiny hands. “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” she trumpets, still bouncing like she was a ball.

I laugh and walk over to the door, pulling it open and looking out.

My smile drops at the sight of Alex. His eyes seemed hollow, empty. It was the first time I’d seen them that…lifeless. His face looked exhausted, the whites of his eyes red like he had been rubbing them constantly. His hair was in complete disarray, standing in so many directions. And when he looked at me…I just knew everything had exploded.

“Alex,” I say quietly, my heart giving out. “What’s wrong?”

He doesn’t even respond and looks at Emma. “Sweetie, don’t forget your jacket!” The fake happiness in his voice made my stomach swirl. “Go back and get it!”

Our daughter nods before running back upstairs.

I look back at Alex, who kept his expression vacant. I didn’t know what to do. “Alex,” I say his name again. I don’t know why. “What happened?” I cross my arms over my chest, trying to look like I was impassive. When really, I wanted to bundle him up in my arms.

His eyes close, a deep breath escaping his nose.

I wait.

“You called and Jasmine knew I was upset about something,” he mumbles, averting his gaze. I try to not show that I didn’t want to discuss his relationship. “She pestered me before I said you were mad at me. But I didn’t call you Ravyn.” He shakes his head, almost like he thought this was ridiculous to be saying. “I called you Rae. And Jasmine flipped and ran out.”

My brow rises. “She…she ran out?”

He nods. “Gone. Before I could even explain myself.”

A pang hits my chest. I have to grab hold of the open door to keep from falling over. Fuck, he’s so broken. Was he this bad after I abandoned him?

“I’m sorry,” I finally speak, trying to focus on deep breathing. “I…I don’t know what to say…should I do—”

Before either of us could continue further, Emma was running down the stairs again. She looked so happy, so excited and it broke my heart to know I had kept her from this joy for three years. My eyes slip closed as I swivel my head away from the direction of Alex. Emma runs past me.

“Daddy!” she grins, jumping into his arms.

He catches her easily, a smile settling on his lips. It was half-hearted. “Hey, honey. Ready?” Emma nods. “Then let’s go!”

He begins to walk down the porch before he stops and looks back at me.

“You sure you’ll be okay all alone?” he asks, the hint of hesitation in his voice. I didn’t want him to worry about me. He should be worrying about Jasmine. Emma plays with a lock of his hair as she waits.

“I’ll be fine,” I nod, assuring. “I’ll probably just finish my book.”



It was raining outside. It didn’t really start after I’d gotten in the car, so I was grateful I’d grabbed my jacket on the way out after Alex and Emma left. Fortunately, it was only a drizzle so I was able to get to where I needed to be quickly.

The one place I knew Jasmine would be was Mo’s Bar and Grill.

It’s been a regular place to go. Whether it was for an after school milkshake, an after-work beer, or to just sit and watch the latest sports game. It was always open and always friendly and I knew that would be where she ran off to. It’s where everyone runs off to from time to time. We all need an escape.

I pull into a parking spot and shut off my car, pulling my hood up and huddling away from the rain as I run through the lot toward the door. I made it in record time.

I don’t know what pushed me to go search for my ex-fiancé’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because I felt guilty. Maybe it’s because this is all my fault.

Maybe because I feel like I owe him at least this one thing.

Inside, it was relatively empty. It was a shock since it’s usually stock-full of customers, but then I remember it’s noon on a weekday. My eyes scan for that head of dark hair, my stomach churning when I spot her.

She was at the bar, a glass of beer in front of her. She wasn’t staring at it.

Before I could convince myself to turn around and walk out the door, I make my feet move forward and stop beside her bar stool. She looks over when she sees me, her eyes widening as I slide into the seat beside her, my hair dripping and my coat soaked. She looks me up and down. God, I’m a mess.

“Ravyn,” she breathes. She seemed at loss for words. “What…what are you—”

I hesitate, but finally shake my head. I fold my arms before me on the bar. I order a beer before looking back at her. She seemed confused. If I were her, I would be too. My fingers tighten over each other.

“I’m here to talk you out of leaving Alex.”

A large breath leaves her mouth. “Look, if he put you up to—”

“You and I both know he didn’t do that,” I stop her as my beer is placed in front of me. “I would never do this. Even if he asked. So, that goes to show that I did this on my own accord.” I sip at the ale, my nose wrinkling at the taste.

Jasmine’s lips were a pale pink O. I let her process what I said. “So…you came to find me by yourself? Did you tell him where I was?”

“No,” I shake my head. “I wanted to talk to you myself.”

She nods, waiting for me to say more.

I organize my thoughts. “I know I’m Alex’s ex-girlfriend,” I start, my hand finding the lip of my beer and tracing the glass. I feel her stiffen beside me. “But not only that; he’s my best friend. We were friends long before we started dating. So what if he still calls me by my old nickname? He’s not the only one. Jack calls me Vynnie from time to time. It’s an instinct, you know?”

She swallows. “Look, I know it’s a stupid thing to be mad over. It’s just…when I heard him call you that I just…I got this weird feeling you know? Like he didn’t love me anymore. Like…he loved someone else.”

I felt all oxygen leave my body. I know that exact feeling.

I suck in a breath and try to shake that weird feeling off. “Listen…I know we hate each other. But listen to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I walked out on him once,” I say, my voice tight. God, is my throat closing up? “I’ve regretted it everyday since it happened. Do you want to be in my position? I’m not trying to make this about me, but do you understand what I’m saying?”

She nods. “I think so.”

I nod back. “He can be idiot. Trust me, I know. But don’t you love him?”

She nods a second time.

“Then don’t you ever let him go,” I continue, my voice thickening with each word. I had to calm myself down by pitching my arm. “He’s all you have. I already made my mistake and I have to live with it for the rest of my life. But you have him. Hold onto him for as long as you can.”

She opens her mouth before closing it. She takes a deep breath before speaking. “When I first met him…you were all he could talk about.”

I felt my heart stop beating all together.

“He wouldn’t shut up about you,” she continues, looking down at her hands. “I was…I was so jealous, you know? He loved you. He really loved you. And then…everything changed. We were happy.”

I felt like I was going to pass out. Everything was darkening.

“And then you came back and…everything’s different again, you know? It’s like I’m on the outside looking in. Can you see what I’m saying.”

I nod, my smile wry. “Definitely.”

She smiles back.

“Just…go back. He’s…he’s already been hurt once,” I say, my throat thick with tears. I hold it in. “Don’t let him feel that pain ever again.”

Jasmine immediately brightens. “You’re right.”

I shrug. “I know.”

She laughs before hopping off her stool and pulling me into a hug. It was a bit awkward but I squeeze back, glad when she pulled back. “Thank you so much,” she murmurs. “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

I smile. “Go get him.”

She grins before running out of the bar, straight into the rain.

Once she was gone and I was alone, I fold my arms on the bar and let my head fall into them. What the hell did I just do?



When I got back home, it was around five thirty.

Alex would be back with Emma at six and I was regretting what I did. I’ve been feeling more and more awful ever since I chatted with Jasmine five hours ago. I just can’t get the conversation out of my head and I want to take the film out of my head, cut it up into pieces, and throw them over my head so I can’t put it back together.

But I can’t find the scissors.

Within that half-hour, I showered, ate with my mom, and watched about two minutes of some TV show. Then the doorbell was ringing and I was standing and walking over to the front door. My heart pounded in my chest.

I open it, my breathing stopping.

Emma was asleep in Alex’s arms, her head against his shoulder. He grins at me, his face more lively and his eyes open and welcome. I felt sick again.

“She had a long day,” he tells me, walking and placing her on the couch.

I nod. “She gets tired easily.”

Once he was done tucking Emma in a blanket, he turns to me. I felt uncomfortable as I shift from foot to foot, keeping my arms crossed over my chest like it would shield myself from Alex’s wrath. “What?” I finally ask, quietly.

A small smile lights his lips. “Thank you.”

I stay silent.

“You know…” he clears his throat. “For talking to Jasmine. It was…unexpected. I would have…honestly; I couldn’t have done what you did. It was…amazing, Rae.”

I inhale sharply. “No problem. I…I owed you.”

He ignores this last part, coming over and stopping right in front of me. “Seriously,” he murmurs, “thank you.” As I give a weak smile, he opens his arms and pulls me into a hug. It was warm and smelled of his Old Spice and I felt so overwhelmed and truly, truly alone that it all just bubbled up before I could stop it.

And before I knew it, I was crying into Alex’s shoulder.

He pulls back at the sound of my sobs. “Rae,” he murmurs, his brows scrunching. His voice was so genuine, so concerned. I cry harder. “Whoa, what’s wrong? Are you okay? I don’t…I don’t under—”

I push back, shaking my head. “Could you please just leave?”

“Rae, I—”

“Please.”

I don’t let him walk out or respond, just spin on my heel and run up the stairs, my shoulders shaking as the tears flowed faster and the sobs came louder.