Spinning Out of Control

It felt easier to breathe when I woke up the next morning.

Like, the burden that had been pressed against my chest was now absent and I could let oxygen flood my veins without a worry. The past three years seemed gone and now I could stop being so concerned.

But all of that seemed to stop when I roll over. I then realize I am on my bed. Not on the couch where I had fallen asleep with Alex.

Emma slept peacefully at my side.

I sit up quickly, grabbing at my clothes. I was still in the dress from last night.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to think of what happened. I came to the house, Alex and I argued… My eyes pop open. A smile flits across my face. We kissed. We kissed and everything tied back together. My smile widens to a grin as I flop back against my bed again, my lips curled as I stared at the ceiling.

Everything feels so right.

“Mommy?” I look over to see Emma was waking up, rubbing at her eyes. “Can I have some pancakes?”

I reach over and peck her head. “Of course. You can have breakfast before you go over to Daddy’s okay?” She nods eagerly and I kiss her head again before she jumps up off the bed and runs to her suitcase, opening it up to find clothes.

I get out of bed myself, looking in the mirror of my vanity. I look like hell. I groan and grab my own clothes, changing into them quickly. I then go into the bathroom and brush my teeth and clean off my face. It was sticky with mascara and tears. “I really need to stop crying every five minutes,” I scold myself before throwing my hair into a ponytail.

When I got downstairs, I already heard my father making food for Emma.

My mother was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping at her coffee and reading her book. I walk over and take a seat beside her, leaning over to kiss her cheek. “Morning.”

She grins. “Morning, Hun. How was the party last night?”

My mind immediately flits to Alex and I’s stolen kiss. I shake my head to rid of the image. “Great. Mom, I wanted to talk about Emma’s birthday that’s coming up soon. Are you okay with me having a little get together in the backyard?”

She shrugs. “Of course. But our backyard is a tad small. Wouldn’t you rather have it at the Gaskarths?”

I could feel my face fall. “Mr. and Mrs. Gaskarths?”

My mother nods. “You’ve been there before, of course. You know how big it is. What’s the harm in the doing so?” That’s where Alex proposed to me, that’s why. “And anyway, they haven’t met Emma yet. I think it’s a wonderful idea.”

I nod, clearing my throat. “Sure. I’ll…I’ll ask Alex to give them a call.”

Ten minutes later, after Emma had gotten syrup all over her shirt so she had to put on a new one, she was carrying her Barbie backpack and we were on our way to Alex’s house.

I felt nervous. More nervous than I’d ever felt before walking up to Alex’s house. My knees were knocking together and the butterflies in my stomach were flapping so hard that I felt like my insides were going to break apart. I had to hold my tummy as we come upon the door. Emma gets on her tip-toes to ring the doorbell.

Jasmine answers the door.

Looking at her made guilt swirl through my torso. I had to blink to clear that phlegm in my throat away. “Jazzy!” my daughter was screaming before jumping into her arms. I wanted to throw something. “I haven’t seen you in fo-ever!” She hugs Jasmine around the neck while said woman just laughs.

“M&M!” she grins back, hugging her tightly. I felt vomit curling inside of me. Jasmine finally sets her down. “Go say hi to daddy, kay?”

“Kay!”

Then she was running inside and I was about to take a gun out of my pocket.

“Hey, Ravyn,” she says, leaning against the doorjamb. “Look, Alex told me about what I did last night and…” she takes a deep breath. “I’m really sorry. I just…you know how insecure I am about my relationship with Alex and I guess I just thought something wild up in my head and…I took my anger out on you and…”

I put a hand up to stop her. This is the last thing I wanted to talk about. “It’s fine. I get it. You were drunk and didn’t know what you were doing. It’s really fine.”

“It’s really not,” Jasmine contradicts. “Look, can I buy you a drink? Just us. Girl time.”

“I…” I swallow, trying to come up with a viable excuse. “I can’t. I have to plan Emma’s birthday party that’s next week and my mom and I already had a time set to do it. I’m really sorry. But I promise you, I’m fine. The slap didn’t actually hurt that bad.”

Yes it did.

“Oh,” Jasmine nods, nipping at her bottom lip before gazing at the floor. “Anyway, did you want to speak to Alex? He’s just in the kitch—”

“No,” I shake my head, answering a bit too fast. “I really have to get going.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” I reply with a grim smile. “See you ’round kay?”
I barely acknowledged her nod before I turn around and book it off their porch and down the driveway. Once I was on the sidewalk did I finally let out the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding in.

I was only a few steps away from my driveway when I heard someone calling after me. I ignored it at first, trying to hurry my way up to my house.

But I would recognize that voice from anywhere. And he was persistent.

“Rae!” he screams before finally grabbing a hold of my arm, keeping me from walking up to my porch. I grit my teeth. “I need to talk to you.” He sounded out of breath. So I turn to look at him, my face expressionless.

“What?” I ask, ripping my arm back and crossing it with the other across my chest.

“We need to discuss last night.”

“There isn’t a whole lot to discuss,” I tell him. I didn’t want to talk about last night because he would ruin it for me and I wanted to keep that blissful feeling for a little longer. “We kissed, it was great. You left, and I woke up alone.”

“You have to underst—”

“I do understand,” I admit. “It’s just that understanding sucks. You have to go back to Jasmine while I sit alone. It’s fine. That’s what we are stuck in.”

He sighs exasperatedly, pulling a hand back through his hair. My eyes flick to his lip on instinct. God, it felt amazing to press my mouth to his after three years. “I don’t want to be stuck in this. She already thinks I’m hung up on you as it is.”

I let those words hang in the air before replying. “Are you?”

He hesitates. I watch as his mouth hangs open for a moment, before he snaps his jaw closed again. I take a deep breath. “This is stupid,” I say out loud before he can speak. “She doesn’t need to worry about me. We’ve been done for years.”

Alex gives a sad shrug. “She does need to worry. We kissed last night, Rae. Do you not remember that?”

“Oh, I remember. I just wasn’t sure if you remembered.”

His voice goes soft, like a caress to my skin. “I remember.”

There was a vast silence after that. I couldn’t stop looking into his eyes, the chocolate gaze replaying last night in my head. It was like watching an old movie screen, one that flickered as if trying to pause what was happening, but couldn’t quite do it.

“I should go,” I clear my throat, taking a step back. “By the way, Emma’s birthday is next week. I was planning on a party. Do you think we could have it in your parent’s backyard?”

He nods. “Of course.”

“Ask anyway.”

“I will.”

I swallow awkwardly, reaching up to run my hand through my ponytail. “I’ll see you later then.” I take one step back again, waiting for him to say something. But he didn’t. So I take this opportunity to leave, spinning on my heel and storming up my driveway to my front door. I bang the door closed on my way in.