Spinning Out of Control

Alex—

I felt her legs squeeze my waist as we crash through the doors, my legs stumbling until we fall back onto the bed. My arms tighten around her waist as her lips greedily bite at mine, as if she were claiming my mouth as hers. Her fingers claw at the roots of my hair.

I felt suffocated as her body straddles mine, my hands finding her hips to steady her. Her mouth moves away from mine, leading a trail of kisses up my cheekbone until she was at my ear. In what I think was supposed to be a sexy move, her teeth grasp at my lobe and tug. I felt a very small tingle shoot downwards but it wasn't enough to get me excited.

"Jas, I—"

She shushes me but connecting our lips again.

On the way back from the carnival, after having dropped Emma and Rae off, she went on and on about how great of a time her and Emma were having. I was going to start up a conversation with her that entailed her new possession of my daughter, but once I said "Ravyn" out loud, she lost it.

All the way home, I had to hear about how I spent all of my time with Rae at the carnival, how I paid no attention to her, and how I was so inconsiderate of her feelings.

So, when we got in to the house, to shut her the fuck up, I kissed her.

I didn't think kissing her would lead her to attacking me like an animal and basically forcing sex on me. Now I was lying on the bed like a dead weight as she moved over me, going for my belt and undoing it was fumbling hands. I was going to allow this, but stop her at the last moment, just after she'd slid that leather out of the loops.

"Jasmine," I say, squeezing her wrists lightly to tell her to cease her motions. She looks up at me, her eyes darkened with lust. "Not now. I'm...I'm exhausted. Maybe later?"

It was a poor excuse and she knew it.

The look she was giving me clearly told me that she knew it was for some other reason. I couldn't think of anything with her staring at me like that. And I couldn't very well tell her the truth. Oh, I can't get it up for you because I just confessed my requited love for my ex-fiancee. How about a quickie before I go visit Rae behind your back later this week? Fuck no.

I groan out loud before pushing her off of me. I didn't notice, but somewhere along the way, she had unbuttoned her shirt. Her tanned stomach and lacy purple bra were on full display. I stare at her bare torso blankly. How did I used to feel something for this woman?

"I...I just..." I exhale and run my hand back through my hair. "I just need a breather, okay?"

She opens her mouth, hesitates, then closes it. She looked...flabbergasted. "What's gotten into you? Five seconds ago you had a different opinion on—"

I shake my head. "I just...leave it alone. I'm gonna go visit Jack since you won't stop riding me."

As I go for the door, a pillow zooms by my head, missing me by three feet. I look back at her. "I would be riding you if you weren't so damn indecisive!" I roll my eyes and ignore her before turning around and going out of our bedroom. I hear her groan loudly in frustration, hearing another bang as she throws yet another object.

I grab my leather jacket from the hook, throwing it on as I practically run outside. If I had been in that house for one more moment with her, I probably would have committed a crime. I take a deep breath of oxygen, closing my eyes. I take a moment before walking over to my car.

As I sit in the driver seat I debate my options.

I could be truthful and actually go see Jack. But I felt myself itch to put the key in the ignition and drive the few yards that would take me to Rae's parents' place.

Should I? I am treading through some dark and dangerous water with the thoughts running through my head. Even though I said "I love you" back to Rae today at the carnival, the tremendous weight of guilt on my chest made me want to get out of the car and return inside my house, back to Jasmine.

But that idea of Rae, idea of family, made me start the engine and drive.

As I pull up to her house, I felt that familiar squeeze of guilt in my lower stomach. I brush it off as I remember what had happened today at the carnival. A smile graces my lips as I get out of my car, shoving my keys in my front pocket as I walk up the drive to the front door. I counted each step up to her porch, just like I used to do in high school whenever I would come over. Three steps up, turn right, four more steps, then I was there.

I poise my hand to knock, hesitate, then pound against the cherry wood.

"Hang—" I hear her begin before a loud noise, a 'fuck!' and a thud. I chuckle quietly to myself. "Shit, fuck!" I hear her curse again. "One second!" There was a few moments of silence, then I hear Rae to tell Emma to go back to the living room, then the door was opening.

She had changed since the carnival. She was now in her sweatpants and a large t-shirt that said No shit, Sherlock. I then remember her father had won her that shirt at some festival back in high school. I chuckle again. "Alex," she breathes, a smile flitting onto her face. Butterflies immediately erupt. "I...I didn't expect you. Uhm, come in..." She steps aside to allow me entry.

"I assume you fell on your way to the door?" I ask jokingly, my eyes landing her on her scraped elbow.

She rolls her eyes as she shuts the door behind her. Her bare feet padded against the floor and I happened to notice the turquoise nail polish. I crack another grin. "I did. Dad's shoes were in the way." She waves her hand at said shoes, tucking her blonde hair behind her ear absentmindedly.

I nod, sneaking a glance into the living room. Emma was peacefully watching Disney channel. I quickly lean over, allowing my arm around her waist, and peck her forehead. "How are you?"

She breathes in, her nose touching my neck. "Better than yesterday." I smile. "You?"

I shrug. "I'm all right." I look back at the living room.

I feel her lips gently press against the skin of my neck, right under my pulse. My eyelids flutter shut and my arms tighten around her waist. "Why are you here?" she asks softly, leaning into me further so almost every part of our bodies were touching.

I inhale her scent. It was intoxicating as always. "I wanted to see Emma." I kiss her forehead again, wanting to just bend down and capture her lips. "And you."

A smile tugs at her lips. "Mm. We're treading in dangerous waters."

"You started it."

A brief pause. She was thinking about today at the carnival. "I know."

"Mommy?" Emma calls from the living room. "Is dinner ready?" The sounds of an old rerun on her channel laughed in the background as Rae pulls away from me, touching my chest lightly as a make-up for it. I shiver.

"Almost, hun," she answers. "How about you go wash your hands?"

Our daughter nods and jumps off the couch, running down the opposite hall to the bathroom. I follow Rae into the kitchen, wear I saw a pan warming as a carton of eggs open beside the stove top. I lean against the counter as I watch her crack an egg and let the yolk fall into the pan. There was silence before Rae spoke again. "I assume you are here because Jasmine was getting on your nerves."

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. Because she knew that was the reason why.

I let her flip the egg once before replying. "Nothing gets past you." I could tell she wanted to smile, but she refrains herself from doing so. "And yes. She, uh, she was bothering me."

"About what?"

"Today. At the carnival. She said I was paying too much attention to you and not to her."

Rae flips the stove off as the egg sizzles on the heated pan. I watch as her teeth grit, the muscle in her jaw flexing so hard it looked purple. "Maybe you were paying so much attention to me because she was paying so much attention to our daughter." Rae angrily slaps the egg onto Emma's plate, taking a deep breath to calm herself. I reach out and gently touch her lower back.

I open my mouth, close it, then open it again. "I'm sorry."

She breathes, opens her eyes, and looks at me. "I know."

Emma runs back into the kitchen, catapulting into the back of my legs in a hug. I laugh and reach down, pulling her into my arms. "Hi Daddy!" she giggles as I smile at her, kissing her curly-haired head. "What you doin' here?" she asks.

I shrug. "I wanted to see you, silly goose!"

My daughter giggles again. I'd never seen anything more perfect. I grin again before setting her down. She runs over to the table and hops into a chair, where Rae was waiting to give her her food. Emma began eating, her eyes staying trained on the TV as she ate. Rae's eyes meet mine as she comes back to the kitchen, her face still grave.

I watch as she walks in. She goes over to the sink and leans over it, her back to me. Her head hung low, her shoulders drooping. I squeeze my eyes shut. God, she's like this because of me.

I stay where I am for a moment, contemplating.

Then, when I see her shoulders start to shake, I walk over and curl my arms around her from behind. I peck her shoulder, huddling her into me. After a few moments, she folds her arms over mine in response, leaning her head back against me.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be, ya know."

"What do you mean?" I ask softly, kissing below her ear.

"We weren't supposed to be like this," she murmurs, her voice quaking. I grip tighter at her sides to try and sooth her. "Separated. Apart. You aren't supposed to be with someone else." I wince a bit. "I'm not supposed to be alone. I'm not...I'm not supposed to have...I wasn't supposed to leave." Then she really breaks down, her entire upper body shaking like she was having some sort of spasm.

"Shh, shh," I hush in her ear, holding her closer to me, if possible. "Don't blame this all on you. It's in the past okay? Just forget about it."

Her head moves back and forth. "How can I? I screwed everything up." A sob pushes out of her throat. "I just wish things could be different. We could have gotten married, could have had Emma together, could have raised her together..." A fresh wave of tears overcomes her again. I felt my heart break a thousand times and there was nothing I could do. "I just wish I could go back and redo it all. I just...I want to go back and not fucking leave."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to console her. All I could do was hold her close and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Because I wanted what she wanted. I wanted what we couldn't have and what we couldn't have was what we needed.

So, we watch as our daughter watched TV and giggled and laughed. I watch as Rae slowly broke down. I watch as the past three years of my life completely slip away.

Because this, this right here, was what I'd wanted from the start.

And this, this right here, was where I knew I should've been all along.

With my family.