Spinning Out of Control

Before we began arguing, I took a moment to appreciate him growing up.

His hair was reddish brown, small stubble across his jaw, which had also become quite more defined. His arms had a lankier bulge to them, with the muscles pushing out when his arms crossed across his chest. He had most definitely matured, looking even more gorgeous than three years ago.

I take a deep breath and find his piercing eyes again, the way he was assessing me making me feel like he had been examining me as well. But our gazes pull to each other, and silence envelops me again.

Finally, Alex clears his throat and speaks. “So. You’re back.”

Such an easy thing to say, a simple way to break the ice. But even though it was a small phrase, it hit me hard in the heart. “So. I’m back.”

He clears his throat a second time, cocking his head to the side. “You grew your hair out.” This hit me so hard that I’m sure I had a deer-in-the-headlights look on my face.

I give a dumbfounded nod. “Yeah. You…you always wanted me to.” I wince.

My tense shoulders relax, knowing Emma was out with my parents instead of here. Because if Alex had seen her, I would have to explain myself. And I wasn’t ready to that just yet. His teeth grind together, the vein in his jaw pulsing. If anything, it made him look even more appealing.

And finally, foreplay out of the way, Alex asks me the dreaded question. “Why did you leave?” God, such an Alex thing. He has to get straight to the matter hand. He never beats around the bush.

I swallow to soften my dry throat, trying to find a good lie.

When I couldn’t stall any longer, I lick over my lips. “Uhm, I had to,” I try to sound convincing. “I…I was afraid I would…hurt you.”

He seemed to buy it, his eyes narrowing a tad. “You hurt me by leaving,” he immediately responds, his voice sour. I wince at his tone. “It would’ve been easier if you’d stayed.” The way he was saying things; it was like he had been thinking of what to say to me ever since I left.

I don’t blame him.

“Listen, I’ve wanted to say some things for years now—” he begins, but I interrupt.

“Why did you write that song about me?” I knew getting his mind off my disappearance would be best. I knew he still wanted to tell me off, which I wasn’t ready to here yet, but for now I wanted the answer to this.

His head cocks slightly, his brows lowering. “Which one, Rae? I’ve written quite a few songs.” His joke goes unnoticed.

I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart.

Rae. He called me Rae. I haven’t been called that in three years. For him to call me that…it’s insane. Even before we dated, when we were just friends, he only called me Ravyn. And when we started dating is when he called me Rae. And we aren’t together anymore. So for him to call me Rae just reminds me how I left and that things between us have ended.

Well, at least, he thinks things have ended. He’s oblivious about our daughter.

“The one that goes, I would’ve married you in Vegas had you given me the chance to say ‘I do’?” I tell him, crossing my arms over my chest. I remember the first time I’d heard that song. I immediately knew it was written for me.

“How else was I supposed to get my feelings known?” he asks bitterly, eyes blazing like melted chocolate. “I didn’t know where to find you.”

“It hurt though, Alex,” I bite out, not meaning to sound so harsh. I didn’t know I had such dark feelings about this song. “How would you like it of someone wrote a song about you, basically bashing the fact that they dumped you, even though you were head over heels in love with them?”

“It’s not my fault the lyrics are true! You did leave.”

I couldn’t argue with that. “It still made me feel like shit. Did ever consider how I would feel about it?”

“Of course I did.”

I throw my arms into the air incredulously, as if Alex were some stupid guy who didn’t know about anything. “Then how come you still put it on the album?” I could feel my fists clenching at my sides in ire.

Alex opens his mouth to answer, but stops half-way, instead allowing a grin to take over his face. “You listed to So Wrong, It’s Right?” he asks, almost smirking.

“Uh,” I hesitate, blood rushing to my cheeks. “No.”

His smirks widens as he crosses his arms over his chest, his biceps enlarging once again, making me even more flustered. “Yes you did. How else would you know about Vegas?” He shakes his head. “After all this time, you still listen to my band. Incredible.”

“Of course I still listened!” I argue, pointing an accusing finger. “Did you think I started hating you after I left or something?”

“Then if you didn’t hate me, why did you leave?”

Leave it to Alex to round our conversation right back to what tore us apart. I let a slight groan fall from my lips, my hand uncurling from the pointing finger and reaching up to run through my tangled blonde hair. I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. I was sick of fighting with him right now.

But, luck was in my favor. I was saved from answering as Alex’s phone goes off, the sound of a Blink-182 song filling the foyer of my parent’s house. He gives me a look before pulling it out, pressing Talk.

“Hello?” he asks, his eyes still level with mine. I look away, my top teeth digging painfully into my bottom lip. “Oh, hey Jasmine. Yeah…nah, I’m just visiting a friend.” I noticed the way his eyes flashed on this last word, almost like he never thought he would be considering me as just a friend. “Mhm. I’ll be home a few minutes. Yeah. Love you, too.” I swallow thickly. “Bye.”

He ends the phone call, shoving his iPhone back in his pocket. There was an awkward pause before I finally clear my throat.”

“Girlfriend?” I ask quietly, looking down at my shoes when his eyes met mine.

Alex nods, exhaling deeply. “Yeah, she’s expecting me.” He gestures his head toward his house five doors down, my stomach doing roller coaster flips. “I better go.” He takes a step back, waiting to see if I’d say anything.

When I don’t, he turns around and heads off down my sidewalk, not looking back once.

I shut the front door behind me, letting a sob wrack up my chest and bubble out of my throat. Guilt and anger spreads from my head to my toes, and I fall to the ground.

I don’t think he knows how many tears I’ve truly shed for him.