Spinning Out of Control

My heart pounded in my ears as I don’t even look back at Alex and Jasmine, walking up the pathway to get to my daughter, who has now wandered out onto the front porch. I heard footsteps behind me.

I pick her up, setting her on my hip. “Want some chocolate milk?” I ask her, giving her a soft smile even though my vital organs had fallen to the pits of hell just now.

As I walk inside, I didn’t notice Alex had followed me down the driveway.

He steps in behind me, peering out of my front door to give Jasmine the one-moment finger, before shutting it. I could feel a lump forming in my throat and my heart began to beat loudly at the thought of knowing that this was about to happen. Alex and I were about to have the talk.

I don’t even look back at him as I stroll in the kitchen, trying to build up my confidence. My throat was going dry already, and that was never a good sign. I seat Emma in her high chair, completely ignoring Alex as his figure stops in the doorway of my kitchen. I pour a glass of milk for my daughter and add some Nesquik chocolate, stirring it until it was the correct color. I then move back toward Emma, setting the glass down in front of her with a crazy straw perched inside the liquid.

I could feel Alex looking at me, his eyes piercing the back of my head and making my skin prickle.

“What’s her name?” he finally asks, breaking the steadily growing tension.

I clear my throat, my mouth still feeling like cotton. “Emma,” I answer in half of a whisper. I notice him nod in acknowledgement that I had answered. “Alex, I can explain. I—”

“Emma,” he interjects, a small smile on his lips. I couldn’t tell if it was real or not as he shakes his head in incredulousness. “You always wanted to name your daughter that.” His voice was soft, as if he were returning to the past; another time. “Ever since middle school.”

“Alex, please—”

But once again, he cuts me off. “How old is she?”

I sigh, giving up, and decide to just answer his questions. “Two and three quarters,” I respond, crossing my arms over my chest. “She turns three in a few weeks.”

He nods a third time, not looking at me as he just gazes at Emma, who was giggling quietly at her crazy straw. For a few moments, we just sat there, staring at our daughter, as if we were a real family. My heart broke at the thought.

Then, Alex was grabbing onto my upper arm and pulling me into the living room.

“Why didn’t you tell me that I had a daughter?” he asked once Emma was out of earshot. His voice wasn’t unkind, but it wasn’t understanding either. It was almost like it was a mix of hurt and disappointment. And that was the worst kind of tone I could’ve predicted him using with me at this moment.

I could feel tears well in my eyes, but I gulp them down.

I’ve played through this conversation dozens of times, but in all of them, I’d never been able to say the right words that I felt suited the situation. And right now, I was stuck in that exact predicament.

So, I came up with the dumbest answer in the history of dumb answers.

“How do you know she’s your daughter?”

I regretted saying it the moment it came out of my mouth. And I could tell Alex knew I regretted it. He’s always been able to read me like an open book.

I could see his eyelids flick at the thought of rolling his eyes; I discovered that twitch of his sophomore year of high school. “Don’t mess with me, Rae. You don’t think I can’t tell when my own kid is mine?” He had a point. If there was a girl version of Alex, it would be Emma.

I inhale deeply. Alex, stop using my old nickname. We aren’t dating. He shouldn’t be allowed to call me that. My name is Ravyn, Alex. Ravyn! But I kept those thoughts in my head, knowing this situation was delicate enough.

“Fine,” I mutter, crossing my arms again. “She’s your daughter.”

His gaze finds the ground as he takes a deep breath. I wanted to cry but I made sure to keep my composure; this shouldn’t be so difficult.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he repeats, bringing his eyes back up slowly.

I had to avert my gaze down to my fidgeting hands, using my shaking fingers to smooth over the hem of my wrinkled shirt. I could still feel his eyes burning into me, creating a gaping hole in the top of my head as I kept my gaze fixed south. I knew I had to face it now; everything was out in the open. And Alex deserves to know everything. Even if it kills me inside.

“Uhm,” I swallow, tears stinging the back of my eyes, “it’s complicated.”

“Nothing’s complicated,” he replies softly. It’s me, Rae.”

I had to hold back an eye roll when he called me that again. “A few days before our wedding, I went to CVS because I was feeling sick a lot. Before I knew what I was doing, I had picked up a pregnancy test. I told myself I was just paranoid; I mean, you and I had only had sex a couple times. I didn’t think my crazy thoughts were true.”

I lower myself onto the bottom step of my staircase and Alex sits beside me, keeping a good amount of space between us.

“But, when I got home, I found out it was true. I was pregnant.” I gulp again, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek and I hastily wipe it away, not wanting Alex to see me cry. “I kept it to myself until it was finally the night before we were supposed to get married. And…everything I had just built up to that point and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So many different thoughts and emotions were just swimming through my mind and all these awful scenarios just itched at me. I was so afraid our relationship would fall apart if you found out.”

“Why would you think that?” Alex asks, not unkindly.

I shrug, my tears getting thicker, and I use the sleeve of my jacket to clean them away. “We were so young and…I didn’t know how you would feel about me being pregnant at nineteen years old. So, like every great love story…I left.”

There was a pregnant pause as we waited, sitting still on the bottom of my staircase. It reminded me of when we used to sit in comfortable silence when we dated.

But this silence was anything but comfortable.

“Ravyn,” he breathes out, the sound of my full name coming out of his mouth almost like a caress to my ears. “I would’ve been ecstatic if you’d just told me the truth.” I made a pointed notice to not look at him. “I was marrying you and you were the only girl for me. To find out you were pregnant? It would’ve made everything that much better.”

“It made sense in my head when I left, Alex,” I say bitterly, crossing my arms over my chest as I shudder. “Don’t scold me about it just yet.”

He exhales. “If you thought it was best, then why did you come back?”

I pull a hand back through my hair, the tangled knots coming loose. “I thought it was time Emma met her grandparents. And…” I trail off, taking a deep breath through my tears, “somewhere inside of me, I knew…I knew it was time she met her father.”

We look over at each other, our eyes connected as we sat there, pondering in what I admitted. Finally, I get to my feet, once again wiping under my eyes.

“You, uhm,” I bring my glance back to the floor, “you better get back to Jasmine.”

Alex seemed to hesitate; his face conflicted, before he gets to his feet, dusting off his jeans. He sticks his hands in the front pockets of his pants, glancing at me one more time before striding toward the front door, his hand poised on the doorknob. But at the last moment, when I was filled with relief to know he was leaving, he looks back at me, his eyes full of an inexplicable emotion.

“One more thing,” he says, a catch in his throat.

I nod, rubbing at the goosebumps that had broken out on my arm. “What?”

“You will let me get to know my daughter, right?” he asks, almost afraid that I would say no. My gaze softens, a small smile forming as the edges of my lips tug upwards.

“Of course,” I breathe, breathlessly chuckling through the tears that were still streaming down my damp cheeks. He smiles back before opening my front door and walking out, shutting it behind him with a resounding click.

When he was gone, I broke down fully, the sound of Emma yelling my name coming from the kitchen.