Spinning Out of Control

Every day leading up to Emma’s next sleepover at Alex’s house she was telling me all of the fun games and amazing things she did with Jasmine, or how much she loved “Jazzy” and how she was so great and so fun.

I couldn’t answer with anything but a fake little smile on my face, but inside, it killed me to know my daughter was getting so close to Jasmine.

Finally, to my relief, Friday arrived.

I had seen Alex drive Jasmine to the airport, his car passing by my house with her in the passenger seat, so it relaxed me to know she was truly going out of town. I helped Emma pack her bag before I grabbed her hand and began walking her over to Alex’s. It was going to be hard to leave her alone for an entire weekend but it soothed me to know she was only a few houses down.

I ring the doorbell, letting my tense body calm down. I don’t know what I was so worried about. A weird feeling kept blooming in my stomach like something bad was going to happen. I just must be paranoid because Emma as never been away from me for so long.

“One sec, Rae!” I hear Alex call out, my chest tightening at the last word he said.

I heard some rustling and even a small bang before Alex opens the front door, a grin on his face. Hmm, he’s growing a bit of stubble along his jaw.

“Emma!” he smiles, her squeal and excitement contagious. I laugh softly as he bends down to her height, pulling her in for a hug. “Why don’t you go upstairs and get settled so I can talk to Mommy?”

She nods, her curls bouncing, before she was running inside.

“You’re so good with her,” I murmur, smiling, biting my bottom lip harshly.

He nods, reaching up to pull a hand through his hair. God, I missed it when he did that. “You are, too,” he returns, flashing his own small smile.

There was a moment of silence as we just look at each other. Before I could say anything else, Alex clears his throat. “I wanted to say sorry for what Jasmine said the other day, when you two had been fighting,” he says, his voice soft. I nip at my bottom lip. “About me being happy that you left.” I felt all breath leave my body.

“Alex—“

“That isn’t true,” he interrupts, the look in his eyes genuine. “I wasn’t happy at all. She threw that at you to make you angrier. Jasmine has no idea how I felt when you left.”

“Thank you for that, Alex,” I breathe, trying to keep my head from spinning. “It means a lot.” I hand him Emma’s bag, blowing out a breath. “I’m gonna come over to say goodnight again,” I tell him, shoving my hands in the pockets of my skirt. “Make sure she’s in bed by the right time, all right?”

Alex nods and I turn to leave, my heart clamoring.

“Rae?”

I freeze upon hearing that. Not only because he was obviously calling out because he wanted to say something else, but because it’s hard to hear him call me that still.

“Why don’t you stay over for the weekend?” he asks, his voice hesitant. I spin around at that, my eyebrows pulling up at the question. “I mean, just so you can get used to Emma being at my house. Make sure it’s not hazardous, you know, for our child to be in.” I could tell he felt awkward asking me, his hands fidgeting.

I smile easily, nodding. “Sure. I mean, as long as I’m not intruding or anything.”

“You aren’t. Don’t worry. That’s what guest rooms are for.”

I laugh and cross the threshold after he steps aside, once again admiring how the house looked almost exactly like it had three years ago before I left. Upon thinking that I felt a sour taste fill my mouth.

I swallow it down.

Alex walks past me after setting Emma’s bag down, gesturing me forward as I stand there uncomfortably. I felt my cheeks flush after he turns back toward the living room.

“Mommy!” Emma laughs from her spot on the couch, standing up on the cushion.

I grin. “Hey Ems. I guess I’ll be joining you at Daddy’s house tonight.”

“Oh!” she giggles, jumping up and down as Alex takes a seat beside her. “It’s like a family sleepover!” I felt myself grin as well, but it almost felt too tight and controlled. A bit bland, if you will.

“A family sleepover,” Alex repeats, chuckling, his eyes sliding over to look at me.

I nod back at him, tentatively taking a seat on the recliner, tense all over again.

…

“Goodnight, Emma,” I smile down at her, pushing her blonde curls out of her eyes. She grins up at me, returning with a, “Night, Mommy.”

My heart swelled as I peck her forehead before turning away.

I walk downstairs, reaching up to pull my tangled locks back into a ponytail. On the first story, I see Alex still in the living room, sitting on the couch with his feet tucked under his legs. A music video was playing on the television.

“You watch yourself when you’re on TV?” I snort, announcing my arrival.

Alex looks back at me, grinning. “Just making sure I look as sexy as ever.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, rounding the couch and tucking myself into the recliner. We sit there for a few moments, not saying anything, just watching his video play through on Fuse. When it was over, he picks up the remote and mutes the DVR, turning his body to look over at me.

“What?” I ask, seeing something coming from a mile away.

He scratches at the back of his head, shifting slightly on the couch cushions. “You know how Emma called today a family a sleepover?” he asks quietly.

I felt my teeth nip at my bottom lip, my gaze averting to the ground. What was he getting at? “Yeah.”

“Well,” he says slowly, the look on his face almost telling me that he wasn’t sure why he was saying this, “it just reminded me of all the times you slept over with me. Those late nights at my parents’ house.”

I wanted to smile, I really did, but all I could do was flinch. Did he really have to bring the past up? A catch follows into my throat. I wasn’t in the mood to talk about my relationship with Alex. Or any relationship for that matter. “Mmm,” I hum, exhaling deeply. “That seems like forever ago.”

“Rae?” he asks, my stomach clenching. I bring my eyes to his to see he was looking at me already. “Can I ask you something?”

I hesitate but eventually nod.

He seems to think for a moment before glancing at the floor, then at me, then at the floor again. His thumbs before twiddle, a habit I knew he did when he was extremely nervous. “Do you ever miss…well…us?”

I suck in a breath, pretending to have to sneeze so he wouldn’t hear me.

“Yeah,” I return carefully, gulping. “I guess I do.”

It was awkwardly quiet for a few minutes. I could feel Alex glance over at me every once in awhile, my heart pounding in my ears like a metronome.

“Why are you dating Jasmine?” I blurt out suddenly.

I guess the filter on my mouth decided to retire for the night.

I couldn’t decipher the look Alex was giving me. It was almost a gaze of surprise and wonderment and something else I couldn’t describe. But it made me wish I could withdraw my question.

“Well,” Alex clears his throat, looking down at his hands in his lap, “I met her at AP magazine when we came in to do an interview. She was a model for their clothing line then.” I felt a weird flavor on my tongue. I tried to swallow it away. “She eventually quit and we ran into each other one day at the store. We hit it off pretty well.” He brings his gaze to mine. “She was bright and full of life. I got back that old feeling when we started dating. The feeling that I had…with you.”

My heart ceased its beating at his last sentence, my throat closing up. Those words rang in my head like a school bell does at the end of the last hour, signaling everyone that another day had passed and you would pick things back up tomorrow. I got that old feeling back…the feeling that I had with you.

“Really?” I ask quietly, my voice hoarse. “You never thought you’d feel it again?”

He shakes his head, looking away again. Tears brimmed in my eyes and I take a deep breath, a shudder going down my spine. If only I hadn’t left.

“So,” Alex breaks the tension, clearing his throat for a second time, “do you have a boyfriend back in Chicago?” The question caught me off guard and I knew he could tell judging by the way I jumped in my chair.

My brows crinkle. “How do you know that’s where I went?”

He shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant, but I could see the look in his where he wished he knew that all this time. “Your mom told me.”

I nod, suspecting as much. “Well, no. I don’t have a boyfriend back in Chicago. I tried to date, but guys tend to steer clear of a girl who is a single mother. And besides, when I did have a date, none of them really compared to—”

I shut my mouth real fast, my cheeks flushing on demand.

Alex smiles dryly. “None of them compared to me?” he finished quietly.

What’s the point in trying to hide it? He knows me too well. So I nod, waiting for the heat on my face to cool down. “Yeah.”

It was quiet again, the only sound being the wind whooshing in the backyard, rustling Alex’s trees and branches clicking together. My pulse was still reaching high volumes and banging against my brain, drowning out everything.

“I’m going to bed,” Alex announces, getting to his feet hurriedly.

He smiles at me as he passes the recliner before retreating upstairs.

Once he was out of earshot and out of sight, the tears spill over, streaming down my cheeks and my chin, splashing onto my shirt. I groan, hating myself for crying over Alex again.

And as I drifted off to sleep, his face burned in my brain.